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 Sad one... Palindrome's syndrome for Sve
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Passions in Poetry

Sad one... Palindrome's syndrome for Sven's challenge

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Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


0 posted 05-19-2000 01:00 PM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

It was very difficult to come up with something for a very difficult challenge, yet I tried a play with words. I hope this is at least readable. I do not have a high opiniion of myself anymore, so please judge me and pass on your suggestions...

Thanks for bearing...

Sven, is this what you expected?

..... Death becomes him .....

...Feeling sad
Reeling and drowning
Jealous and mad
Wife cheating

Aloud, destiny laughs
Bleeding heart
Hurting Soul
Life Fleeting

He walks
slow steps
measured death
full stop

"Me becomes death", said he
even before killing himself,
twisted fate
wasted life

Alas! Glass reflecting,
mirrored loss
broken, shredded
lost soul

Eye to eye
soul to soul
cry for cry,
sobbed I.

I sobbed,
cry for cry
soul to soul
eye to eye

soul lost
shredded, broken
loss mirrored
relecting glass, Alas

life wasted
fate twisted
himself killing before even
he said "death becomes me"

stop full
death measured
steps slow,
walks he

Fleeting life
Soul hurting
heart bleeding
Laughs destiny, aloud

Cheating wife
mad and jealous
drowning and reeling
Sad feeling...

.......... him becomes death........


 Life is like a painting,
That in an art gallery is left hanging,
Though many come just to look at it,
A very few actually come to enjoy it.


[This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 05-20-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Sudhir Iyer - All Rights Reserved
Jon Mewett
Senior Member
since 03-04-2000
Posts 1306


1 posted 05-19-2000 02:31 PM       View Profile for Jon Mewett   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jon Mewett

Wow Sadir this is a whirlpool of feeling,
it drags you in with it's current.

Nice

Jon
Sven
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 11-23-1999
Posts 15611
Lansing, MI USA


2 posted 05-19-2000 06:56 PM       View Profile for Sven   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sven

This is excellent Sudhir!!  You have done very well with this. . . it reads perfectly, I noticed that you changed some of the words, but you had to do it for the flow of the poem. . .

A superb response to a difficult challenge!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------

 That which gives light must endure burning
--Victor Frankl

dhuron
Member
since 03-19-2000
Posts 476


3 posted 05-19-2000 07:01 PM       View Profile for dhuron   Email dhuron   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit dhuron's Home Page   View IP for dhuron

This was very good...and yes Sven's challenge scares me...but perhaps I will give it a whirl...

Simply wonderful here...
Tara Simms
Senior Member
since 08-12-99
Posts 1285
Honea Path, SC USA


4 posted 05-19-2000 07:12 PM       View Profile for Tara Simms   Email Tara Simms   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Tara Simms's Home Page   View IP for Tara Simms

Wow, you did a great job with this!  Such painful feelings expressed in this piece.  
Lone Wolf
Member Ascendant
since 03-16-2000
Posts 5900
Lansing, MI USA


5 posted 05-19-2000 09:35 PM       View Profile for Lone Wolf   Email Lone Wolf   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lone Wolf

Sudhir....

Excellent job!!  You did well with Sven's difficult challenge.  Hope it is not true to life though...

Lone Wolf


 Friends are friend forever if the Lord's the Lord of them and a friend will not say never cause the welcome will not end.
--Michael W. Smith
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


6 posted 05-19-2000 09:39 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

I think you more than met this challenge!!! Excellent work...most impressive...  
tracie66
Member Elite
since 01-18-2000
Posts 4587
Victoria, Australia


7 posted 05-19-2000 09:50 PM       View Profile for tracie66   Email tracie66   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit tracie66's Home Page   View IP for tracie66

Sudhir~
You have more than met the challenge with this. A most powerful, sorrowful piece. Very well done.
Tracie~


 Love is the life of the soul...
It is the harmony of the universe


Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


8 posted 05-20-2000 04:26 AM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Jon,
Thanks for your response.

Sven,
Actually, I was trying something, but it seems it probably failed. The mistaken word is in the second stanza, and I will correct it. Thank you for your 'superb' comment

dhuron,
I hope you do, read from you soon!!

Tara,
Thanks for reading and posting your appreciative response...

Lone Wolf, Thanks. No, this is not true to life. I hope this is not true for anybody, the feelings that I felt just writing this fictitious one was heart wrenching to me...

Poet deVine. Thank you. I am honoured.

Tracie, Many thanks, I owe you. By the way, I am following what you said and putting up the reponse poem for all to see. I hope others like it...

Once again, thanks to all of you for reading...and posting your comments too!!!!

Regards, sudhir.



[This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 05-20-2000).]
brian madden
Member Elite
since 05-06-2000
Posts 4532
ireland


9 posted 05-20-2000 05:11 AM       View Profile for brian madden   Email brian madden   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for brian madden

Wow, It is a difficult challenge and you excelled in your repsonse. Tragic and powerful.
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


10 posted 05-20-2000 12:49 PM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Thanks Brian,
I just read your poem too, it is brilliant in itself too...

Regards,
Sudhir
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


11 posted 05-21-2000 03:03 PM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

In appreciation of Sven's mighty challenge, and to get more poets involved in this challenge, I send this back to visibility range...

One might say 'Nice try Mister, but next time be more smart instead of being cheeky...'  

Less than a month here, and I am feeling poetry run in my veins. Reading all the wonderful poetry here by the ven more wonderful people make same a wee bit small, I must truly admit...

... well more of all that later...

Regards, sudhir.
Aimster
Member Elite
since 02-19-2000
Posts 4367
Charlotte, NC


12 posted 05-21-2000 03:40 PM       View Profile for Aimster   Email Aimster   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Aimster

I could feel the intensity and sadness in this piece from beginning to end. you more than met sven's challenge in my personal opinion. you write with such sadness that it broke my heart to read. however, i am very glad that i did. take care sweetie!

amy  


 ~Live today as though it were your last but prepare for tomorrow as though it were here~
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


13 posted 05-23-2000 05:41 AM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Amy,
I will take care. Thanks for reding and even more thanks for your friendly concern. I am blessed to have well-wishers like you around...

Regards,
Sudhir
Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 04-30-2000
Posts 16920
Ontario, Canada


14 posted 05-23-2000 06:05 AM       View Profile for Kit McCallum   Email Kit McCallum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kit McCallum

I've been off-line a fair bit and must have missed this challenge Sudhir ... I'll have to look for Sven's original a little later in the week when I'll have some more time. Your poem regardless was amazing!  Forward then backward with incredible flow in both directions ... Excellent Sudhir!

Best wishes,
/Kit
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


15 posted 05-24-2000 02:23 PM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Kit, Many thanks for taking some time off to read this one...

Regards,
Sudhir
Corazon
Senior Member
since 02-02-2000
Posts 1301


16 posted 05-24-2000 02:35 PM       View Profile for Corazon   Email Corazon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Corazon

well I don't have time for most challenges, and don't write well when it is forced, my poems just come to me at odd times, no explaining, but this is not only a challenge well met, but an incredible poem....wow...I had never seen this form...the way you used it is very very powerful!!
Crystal Lynn
Junior Member
since 05-21-2000
Posts 19
Miami, FL. USA


17 posted 05-24-2000 02:42 PM       View Profile for Crystal Lynn   Email Crystal Lynn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Crystal Lynn

this was an awsome poem...im speechless....needless to say i loved it...cant wait to see more like this

crystal
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


18 posted 05-25-2000 03:06 AM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Corazon, Crystal Lynn,
Thanks to both of you. This was just an attempt to overcome the inspiring challenge... Believe me, this was a very difficult challenge, involved a lot of play of words, and confluence of ideas...
I am sad this had to be a sorrowful one...

Corazon, it is the same story here, and mostly for all poets. Words just come up at the oddest moments in time, and sometimes, while travelling in a packed train, where you can't even write them down. Later, you try to recollect the words, and then it is too painful to note that the flow has been disrupted etc...

Crystal Lynn,
Thats too much of dosage of appreciation...

Regards and thanks once again,
Sudhir.

[This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 05-25-2000).]
ESP
Member Elite
since 01-25-2000
Posts 2574
Floating gently on a cloud....


19 posted 05-25-2000 04:18 AM       View Profile for ESP   Email ESP   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ESP

Excellent answer to the challenge. Your whirpool of words sucked me right in!

Love and hugs,
Lizzie


 "Poetry is the true expression of my soul, it is my ultimate means of communication. It is my rainbow of delight."
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 08-04-99
Posts 10270


20 posted 05-25-2000 11:03 AM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dark Angel

WOW, this is terrific, loved it. you did great!  

 Je t'aime plus qu'hier et moins que demain."
I love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow
(unkown)


Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


21 posted 05-25-2000 06:00 PM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Lizzie and Dark Angel,
I wish you could imagine, how much your words of appreciation mean to me...

Thanks for reading and posting,
Regards, Sudhir.

 Life is like a painting,
That in an art gallery is left hanging,
Though many come just to look at it,
A very few actually come to enjoy it.
shilpi
Member
since 05-24-2000
Posts 73


22 posted 05-29-2000 01:08 AM       View Profile for shilpi   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for shilpi


ohh sudhir....to say that this is absolutely gr8 would be an understatement, what a play with words !!! Its magnificent, truly !!!

Your poems are a pleasure to read....I cannot think of a better way to enjoy poetry !!

shilpi
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


23 posted 05-29-2000 12:37 PM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Thank you shilpi, you have been very appreciative....

Regards, sudhir.

 Hey you, out there in the cold,
Getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me?
Hey you, standing in the aisle,
With itchy feet and fading smile, can you feel me?
Hey you, don't help them to bury the light.
Don't give in without a fight.
Hey you, out there on your own,
Sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me?
Hey you, with your ear against the wall,
Waiting for someone to call out, would you touch me?
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I'm coming home....

by Roger Waters (Pink Floyd) - The Wall
 
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