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My First attempt at a Sonnet...please post your thoughts!
| Open Poetry #7 |
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My First attempt at a Sonnet...please post your thoughts! |
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Kellsue Member
since 2000-05-06
Posts 210Waukesha, WI USA 
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Ok Friends...I've never written a Sonnet before, so please post your thoughts and pointers at my first attempt. The notes I was using were aimed towards a Shakespearean Sonnet theme...ok here it goes...! Sonnet 1 By Kelly You sent me flowers with, your good-bye note A note filled with heartless and empty lies The hurtful words you penned, left my heart broke And my head clouded with questions of why Being alone is what I’d come to fret And with that notion my fearing did feed Although years have gone by, I sit here yet Recalling the tears, which made your words bleed Today I look back without bitterness I’ve conquered my demons and have moved on My heart no longer, holds that heaviness You’ve been freed from my soul breaking the bond I no longer regret it has ended Knowing without you, my hearts been mended ~Kellsue Reflect upon your present blessings-of which every man has many-not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some. ~Charles Dickens We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. ~Winston Churchill |
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| © Copyright 2000 Kelly S. McDonald - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Kelly, you have done a very good job with your first attempt. The meter is off a bit in a few of the lines, but you can easily fix that. Your first and third lines, for instance, to my ear, you have the imabic pentameter down pat. The second line is a bit off, but you could change it very easily to: 'A note so filled with heartless empty lies' Read each line aloud, placing the stress in the words as you would normally and see if it falls into the iambic rhythm....ta/Dum, ta/Dum, ta/Dum, ta/Dum, ta/Dum.....if is seems a bit 'off' try to find other words that would convey the meaning you are aiming for but has the stresses falling where you need them or rearrange the words in the line if necessary to give you the flow that you are after. Again, good first attempt Kelly! Denise |
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netswan Senior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 1369Washington |
Kelly this is wonderful -----) I am not a sonnet expert by any means ---- but remember writing songs with an ex of mine I would put them in an eight syllable rhythm and he would jump on me, and say you can't use that word there it doesn't fit, it doesn's stress it doesn't this and that ------ and I would listen and listen to try to figure out what it was that he wanted, and truly never really got it. LOL so he would write the music to the songs for me - and tell me to improvise another word, and HE would Say Yah, that is much better ----LOL I could not tell the difference on the stressed words, He was very English you know --) warmly with hugs, netswan |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
Very Good Kelly, I am not an expert either, but I like the words. . . they really speak well here . . . Keep it up, you can only get better. . . and with the guidance of those here, that'll be very soon. . . --------------------------------------------------------- That which gives light must endure burning --Victor Frankl |
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Kellsue Member
since 2000-05-06
Posts 210Waukesha, WI USA |
Thank you all for comenting...I'm going to look at it again and see if I can determine what I need to change. I think I may be in the same boat as you netswan! Thank you Denise for all the pointers and thank you Sven for liking what I wrote even though it wasn't accurate for a sonnet  I need all the help I can get with this!~Kelly  < !signature--> ~Kellsue Reflect upon your present blessings-of which every man has many-not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some. ~Charles Dickens We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. ~Winston Churchill [This message has been edited by Kellsue (edited 05-15-2000).] |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Kelly, if you don't have an 'ear' for where the stresses fall in a word, you can check them in the dictionary. That will show you how the word is pronounced and on what syllable the stress falls!  Denise |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
When it comes to the technical side of poetry I know very little, I have developed some sort of instinct and structure with my poems. Anyway while, and I am only going by the comments here, it may not be the perfect sonnet as a poem I really enjoyed it, great poem. [This message has been edited by brian madden (edited 05-16-2000).] |
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