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Passions in Poetry

My First attempt at a Sonnet...please post your thoughts!

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Kellsue
Member
since 05-06-2000
Posts 221
Waukesha, WI USA


0 posted 05-14-2000 10:08 PM       View Profile for Kellsue   Email Kellsue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Kellsue

Ok Friends...I've never written a Sonnet before, so please post your thoughts and pointers at my first attempt.  The notes I was using were aimed towards a Shakespearean Sonnet theme...ok here it goes...!

Sonnet 1
By Kelly

You sent me flowers with, your good-bye note
A note filled with heartless and empty lies
The hurtful words you penned, left my heart broke
And my head clouded with questions of why
Being alone is what Iíd come to fret
And with that notion my fearing did feed
Although years have gone by, I sit here yet
Recalling the tears, which made your words bleed

Today I look back without bitterness
Iíve conquered my demons and have moved on
My heart no longer, holds that heaviness
Youíve been freed from my soul breaking the bond
I no longer regret it has ended
Knowing without you, my hearts been mended




 ~Kellsue

Reflect upon your present blessings-of which every man has many-not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some. ~Charles Dickens

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. ~Winston Churchill


© Copyright 2000 Kelly S. McDonald - All Rights Reserved
Denise
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since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


1 posted 05-14-2000 10:42 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Kelly, you have done a very good job with your first attempt. The meter is off a bit in a few of the lines, but you can easily fix that. Your first and third lines, for instance, to my ear, you have the imabic pentameter down pat. The second line is a bit off, but you could change it very easily to: 'A note so filled with heartless empty lies'

Read each line aloud, placing the stress in the words as you would normally and see if it falls into the iambic rhythm....ta/Dum, ta/Dum, ta/Dum, ta/Dum, ta/Dum.....if is seems a bit 'off' try to find other words that would convey the meaning you are aiming for but has the stresses falling where you need them or rearrange the words in the line if necessary to give you the flow that you are after. Again, good first attempt Kelly!

Denise
netswan
Senior Member
since 03-28-2000
Posts 1395
Washington


2 posted 05-14-2000 11:43 PM       View Profile for netswan   Email netswan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit netswan's Home Page   View IP for netswan

Kelly this is wonderful -----)
I am not a sonnet expert by any
means ----
but remember writing songs with an
ex of mine I would put them in an
eight syllable rhythm and he would
jump on me, and say you can't use that
word there it doesn't fit, it doesn's stress
it doesn't this and that ------
and I would listen and listen to try to
figure out what it was that he wanted,
and truly never really got it. LOL
so he would write the music to the songs
for me - and tell me to improvise another
word, and HE would Say Yah, that is much
better ----LOL  I could not tell the
difference  on the stressed words,
He was very English you know --)

warmly with hugs,
netswan
Sven
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 11-23-1999
Posts 15611
Lansing, MI USA


3 posted 05-15-2000 12:36 AM       View Profile for Sven   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sven

Very Good Kelly, I am not an expert either, but I like the words. . . they really speak well here . . .

Keep it up, you can only get better. . . and with the guidance of those here, that'll be very soon. . .

---------------------------------------------------------

 That which gives light must endure burning
--Victor Frankl

Kellsue
Member
since 05-06-2000
Posts 221
Waukesha, WI USA


4 posted 05-15-2000 05:15 PM       View Profile for Kellsue   Email Kellsue   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kellsue

Thank you all for comenting...I'm going to look at it again and see if I can determine what I need to change.  I think I may be in the same boat as you netswan!  Thank you Denise for all the pointers and thank you Sven for liking what I wrote even though it wasn't accurate for a sonnet      I need all the help I can get with this!

~Kelly
  


†~Kellsue

Reflect upon your present blessings-of which every man has many-not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some. ~Charles Dickens

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. ~Winston Churchill






[This message has been edited by Kellsue (edited 05-15-2000).]
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


5 posted 05-16-2000 04:31 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Kelly, if you don't have an 'ear' for where the stresses fall in a word, you can check them in the dictionary. That will show you how the word is pronounced and on what syllable the stress falls!  

Denise
brian madden
Member Elite
since 05-06-2000
Posts 4532
ireland


6 posted 05-16-2000 04:42 PM       View Profile for brian madden   Email brian madden   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for brian madden

When it comes to the technical side of poetry I know very little, I have developed some sort of instinct and structure with my poems. Anyway while, and I am only going by the comments here, it may not be the perfect sonnet as a poem I really enjoyed it, great poem.

[This message has been edited by brian madden (edited 05-16-2000).]
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