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Passions in Poetry

I'm Dumb

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Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


0 posted 05-10-2000 10:43 AM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

This is the first and only time so far I tried something like this. Might probably be good for a song and drama theme, perhaps. I guess, it is upto you all to tell me more about this one...

Thanks in advance for reading and for your feedbacks....


Pleading:
--------
I am a dreamer,
     let me dream your dreams for you,
I am an eye,
     let me see your sights for you,
I am a wheel,
     let me drive your drive for you,
I am a guide,
     let me guide you through this life.


Desperation: Try 1
------------------
The eye of the needle,
     the slit from the shades,
The opening in the tunnel,
     and the hole in the soul,
My darling, my dearest,
     wonít you look through the hole?
Hear me, my angel,
     canít you hear the cries from my soul?

Caring:
------
Sleep well,
     donít let fear grip your mind,
Eat well,
     donít let hunger get into your head,
Rest a little, dear
     donít blink your eyes,
Close your eyes,
     let your heart open up.

More Desperation: Try 1
------------------
The eye of the needle,
     the slit from the shades,
The opening in the tunnel,
     and the hole in the soul,
My darling, my dearest,
     wonít you look through the hole?
Hear me, my angel,
     canít you hear the cries from my soul?


A final try
-----------
You look up to the sky,
     hoping that you scale it,
You look up to the hill,
     hoping that you reach the top,
Don't you look up to the horizon,
     hoping to be there someday,
Please look up and see me me,
     I hope that you feel me bleed.
The eye of the needle,
     the slit from the shades,
The opening in the tunnel,
     and the hole in the soul,
My darling, my dearest,
     wonít you look through the hole?
Hear me, my angel,
     canít you hear the cries from my soul?


Closure and disappointment:
--------------------------
No, I guess you don't and you never might
That's because I am dumb alright,
I canít speak but yet as I see,
I canít tell what I see, because....

... I am DUMB...here in my muted misery.




†In any moment of decision,
The best thing you can do is the right thing,
The next-best thing is the wrong thing,
And the worst thing you can do is nothing.
- Theodore Roosevelt


[This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 05-12-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Sudhir Iyer - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


1 posted 05-10-2000 10:47 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

Dumb? No. Frustration? Yes.

Leaves a lot to think about, this!
Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 04-30-2000
Posts 16920
Ontario, Canada


2 posted 05-10-2000 11:03 AM       View Profile for Kit McCallum   Email Kit McCallum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kit McCallum

Quite an interesting style Sudhir ... I particularly liked the paradox in:

"Eat well,
donít let hunger get into your head,
Rest a little, dear
donít blink your eyes,"

Well done!

/Kit
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


3 posted 05-10-2000 11:10 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Sud,
this is VERY cool...very unique and creative...
lots of emotion and depth...
the only thing I didnt like was the dumb part
took away from the rest of the poem-- though I understand the emotion you were tryng to express...i just disagree..not dumb  
try it maybe with another more "poetic" word
OR not....
its your poem...*smile*
take care, jm

 It's amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and you lose it all ...
And it's unnerving
How one move just puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell ...
I'm not sayin
That there was nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
And I'm not sayin
We ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let you get away from me.
~MB20~Leave


Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


4 posted 05-11-2000 05:09 AM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Sunshine, Kit and Janet,
Firstly thanks a lot for reading this one and for posting your thoughts on it.

Now let me add a few things here:
For me DUMB has several meanings at the same time.
One who cannot speak is DUMB,
One who speaks stupidly and incoherently is also DUMB,
One whe speaks and is neglected or not listened to is as good as DUMB.

In this case, it is a question why the pains of the pleader's heart and the desire to have a friend and loved one is not clear to the person in question, when one look at my soul could show the desperation...The pleader therefore goes into closure and starts thinking he is DUMB because he can't spek his heart out for the other person does not listen...

Janet, could you suggest me a better word. please do so, I would like to improve this one as I would like for every poem I write.

Thanks once again for your kind replies.

Regards,
Sudhir




 In any moment of decision,
The best thing you can do is the right thing,
The next-best thing is the wrong thing,
And the worst thing you can do is nothing.
- Theodore Roosevelt
tracie66
Member Elite
since 01-18-2000
Posts 4587
Victoria, Australia


5 posted 05-11-2000 05:19 AM       View Profile for tracie66   Email tracie66   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit tracie66's Home Page   View IP for tracie66

Sudhir~
Oh you have done well with this my freind I was just captivated and drawn in by this.
EXCELLENT
Tracie~


 Love is the life of the soul...
It is the harmony of the universe


PericolosoAmore
Junior Member
since 04-14-2000
Posts 31


6 posted 05-11-2000 05:22 AM       View Profile for PericolosoAmore   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PericolosoAmore

wowee, wow, wow, wow.
This is fantastic. The style of this poem is very different, which makes it so briliant.
write another like it.
P.A.
PericolosoAmore
Junior Member
since 04-14-2000
Posts 31


7 posted 05-11-2000 05:23 AM       View Profile for PericolosoAmore   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PericolosoAmore

P.S YOUR NOT DUMB IF YOU CAN WRITE LIKE THAT!!!!!! P.A.
REBECCA ALLYN
Member
since 05-09-2000
Posts 91
Lima,Ohio


8 posted 05-11-2000 05:46 AM       View Profile for REBECCA ALLYN   Email REBECCA ALLYN   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for REBECCA ALLYN

You are AWESOME!!
this poem is very different but so well done.
I really like it!!!
WOW,what else can I say?


LOTS of LUV,
Becky
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 08-04-99
Posts 10270


9 posted 05-11-2000 06:19 AM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dark Angel

This style of poem is different and most certainly wonderful... enjoyed it much.  

 What comes from the heart goes to the heart.
Samuel Coleridge


Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


10 posted 05-11-2000 05:33 PM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Tracie, P.A., Becky, Dark Angel,

Thanks a lot for your appreciating words. I am really honoured with your encouraging words.

P.A., I will try and write another one like this one, and maybe for you.

Till the next one, regards,
Sudhir




 Life is like a painting,
That in an art gallery is left hanging,
Though many come just to look at it,
A very few actually come to enjoy it.
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


11 posted 05-11-2000 06:02 PM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

hi again...
I just saw  your question and your explination. It makes a lot of sense and I know what you were trying to convey.
I ususally dont even attempt to critique as Im always afraid of offending or suggesting something that would take away from the emotions the poet was trying to express.
I  truly hope I did neither of those things to you.
for me-- the word was just lacking in poetic strength compared to the other perfect words you used in this unique poem..but again your explination shows me that it is probably the best word for what you were trying to say.

how about dumbstruck?

or maybe just add a word or two to the dumb?
-------------------------
Closure and disappointment:
--------------------------
No, I guess you don't and you never might
That's because I am dumb alright,
I canít speak but yet as I see,
I canít tell what I see, because....


... I am DUMB...here in my muted misery.

rhymes with the "as I see" line above

or not....like I said..your poem *smile*
thanks for letting me act like i know what im talking about LOL  
jm


[This message has been edited by Janet Marie (edited 05-11-2000).]
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


12 posted 05-12-2000 01:16 PM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Janet,
Thanks for your advice. I am never offended by suggestions as good as you gave here. In fact suggestions, good or bad, critisms- appreciative or otherwise are always welcome.

So let the suggestions come in. I am only too glad to review them...

Thanks again,
Regards, Sudhir.

P.S. I am changing the last line now...


 Life is like a painting,
That in an art gallery is left hanging,
Though many come just to look at it,
A very few actually come to enjoy it.
 
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