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Passions in Poetry

Please Wait" (help please)

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Jeffrey Carter
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Member Elite
since 04-08-2000
Posts 2424
State of constant confusion!


0 posted 05-06-2000 12:36 AM       View Profile for Jeffrey Carter   Email Jeffrey Carter   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Jeffrey Carter

This was written to be one of those tear-jerker country songs. So I'm gonna put it in song form.


"Please Wait"

1.)  I said I don't love you anymore
    And I wouldn't try to stop you if you wanted to
    leave
    That all the memories we made no longer
    mattered to me
    And somehow in my mind, I thought I wouldn't
    hesitate
    But girl I've changed my mind, so I'm begging
    Please wait

ch.)Please wait, I don't want you to go now
    Please wait, If only I could change your mind
    somehow
    If I could only turn the clock back to
    yesterday
    You wouldn't be leaving me
    Oh baby, Please wait

2.) I didn't mean the things I said
    I didn't mean to break your heart
    I would never do anything to tear this love
    apart
    Without you I would be a ship lost at sea
    Never again to see dry land, my life would no
    longer be


It's still kind of a rough draft. Please tell me of any changes you think should be made.

All my love,
Jeffrey



 I lie awake in a world filled with dreams,
but dreams can be so real when you don't know you're asleep
© Copyright 2000 Jeffrey D. Carter - All Rights Reserved
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


1 posted 05-06-2000 01:21 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

I love it....keep going..give it more verses and repeat the chorus...
there's some really great lines in there,
as I read/sang it in my head...
I imagined Dwight or Travis singing it with those twangs I love so.
"Oh baby please wait"..oh yeah...
later-jeff-gator

 ~as always, Take Care,JM~
--------------
I know it's been a long road
To get these towns behind me and I
Will gladly reap what we may sow--
I am there for you ...
and you're there for me ...
Are you waiting for
Heart in hand
Woman and man
See me where I stand I am
Heart
Heart in hand
~vertical horizon~

Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 06-15-99
Posts 7276
Mobile, AL


2 posted 05-06-2000 03:46 AM       View Profile for Temptress   Email Temptress   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Temptress

Definetely country material here, but it seems to need a little something else to make it a tearjerker.


 Nothing can deter a poet, for he is actuated by pure love. Who can predict his comings and goings? "Thoreau"
tracie66
Member Elite
since 01-18-2000
Posts 4587
Victoria, Australia


3 posted 05-06-2000 04:53 AM       View Profile for tracie66   Email tracie66   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit tracie66's Home Page   View IP for tracie66

I agree with the above. Great stuff but yep needs something else to make it a tear jerker Jeff  
Tracie~


 Love is the life of the soul...
It is the harmony of the universe


Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


4 posted 05-06-2000 09:50 AM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Hmm lets see Jeffrey. I liked the first verse and the chorus. The second needs some work.

2.) I didn't mean the things I said
    I didn't mean to break your heart
    I would never do anything to tear this love
    apart
    Without you I would be a ship lost at sea
    Never again to see dry land, my life would no
    longer be

You jumped right from; I didn't mean to break your heart to- I would never do anything to tear this love apart. The problem I have with this is the fact that the tearing apart was already done. It needs to sound more apologetic before you jump into the rest. More verses to complete the theme is necessary.

I was going to give you some suggestions but my time is limited this morning. I will get back to you with some ideas.   (if that is alright with you?)



 When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shodows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face...

William Butler Yeats
A Romantic Heart
Member Ascendant
since 09-03-99
Posts 5497
Forever In Your Heart


5 posted 05-06-2000 12:42 PM       View Profile for A Romantic Heart   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for A Romantic Heart

and all these lonely nights without you,
I've been crying myself to sleep,
Knowing How I hurt you baby,
Seeing the tears I made you weep,

We said our I dos and forevers,
Vows we promised together,
Thought you would always be in my life,
The day You became my wife,

Now my heart is breakin'
From this pain of hurting you,
Please darlin, don't say were through...

(Please forgive me)
For the things I've done and said,
For the times I hurt you baby,
For the times I've made you mad,

Times I should've held you when you cried,
Times I should've told the truth but lied,



[This message has been edited by A Romantic Heart (edited 05-06-2000).]
amazon_lover
Member
since 04-09-2000
Posts 491
Dublin,Ireland


6 posted 05-06-2000 03:46 PM       View Profile for amazon_lover   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for amazon_lover

Hi Jeffery!
Are you some kinda alter ego. You capture my emotions,love and even you appreciate it. Hold on to your love man as its the best feeling one can get.
I was not the kinda guy who probed into my own heart and cherished the feelings and emotions. Lately I'm just a bundle of feelings and emotions. I crave for love but I won't demand.
Be sure it'll come someday if it was meant to be. Also love can't be onesided affair and feelings are mutually exchanged at all times either with the physical presence or not.
I have a friend who speaks with his girl for 2 hrs a day over phone and I'm amazed what can they speak. He told that he hardly remembered what he spoke and hardly felt he had spent 2 hrs.
I wish I could do the same or atleast some sorta communication I desire. Its a difficult situation for us. I wish we recover.

Sincerely
A_L
Marina
Member Elite
since 02-10-2000
Posts 2267
Pickering, Ontario


7 posted 05-06-2000 04:46 PM       View Profile for Marina   Email Marina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marina

Well.....personally ,I would add a pick-up truck, old hound dog at your feet,tight jeans,cowboy hat,...Oh yes .....and snake skin boots!    Oh.....you mean what would you add to the poem.....I thought you meant my fantasty!!!

Marina
CocoBaci
Member Elite
since 05-06-2000
Posts 3084


8 posted 05-06-2000 05:06 PM       View Profile for CocoBaci   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for CocoBaci

Your lyrics are off to a great start
The voice I hear to sing this song
Would be Jim Brickman a man of true heart.
The feedback posted by the'romantic heart'
Has indeed complimented the dimension to your song.
netswan
Senior Member
since 03-28-2000
Posts 1395
Washington


9 posted 05-06-2000 05:38 PM       View Profile for netswan   Email netswan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit netswan's Home Page   View IP for netswan

Oh twang at my broken heart
I always play country records backwards,
that way I get the old man back, the dog,
the cat, my house, my job----and my guitar  ---)

This is good Jeffrey.  I will copy and
see what I can come with on my guitar,
Only way I can write a country song ---
first I slice onions then get the old guitar
out -- and think about Hank Williams

Hugs from netswan



[This message has been edited by netswan (edited 05-06-2000).]
lorilockheart
Member
since 05-06-2000
Posts 206
Alabama


10 posted 05-06-2000 05:40 PM       View Profile for lorilockheart   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lorilockheart

Jeffrey,

You really ought to think about a career in song-writing.  I am a big country music fan, and I think this is definitely song material.  I can just hear Alan Jackson, Randy Travis, or Brad Paisley singing these words.  

I really enjoyed it!
 
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