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Passions in Poetry

NEED HELP...this poem is dying :)

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Blondie
Member
since 08-06-99
Posts 307
Ohio


0 posted 05-05-2000 06:13 PM       View Profile for Blondie   Email Blondie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Blondie

*I have to have a poem by tomorrow for this seminar on mothers...I have come up with this but for some reason parts don't fit, can anyone help me? e-mail me if you need to...I am desperate  *

So to my dear beloved mother,
Whom I cherish through the years.
You gave sweet life to me
and in my youth you dried my tears.

You held me to your bosum,
Sang me a childhood song,
As a toddler I would stumble,
But you helped me to grow strong.

When each disease of childhood
Came up to my front door.
You were always at my bed side,
And your sweet love was the cure.

When nightmares did awake me, mom
And my eyes were filled with tears
You were always there to help me, mom
And your words would soothe my fears.

But where you won the prize, dear mom,
The merits and the cheers.
Is how you stuck with a part of me
Even through these teenage years.

But  I have come to ask you this
“How did this happen to you?”
You have Ears that can hear all
And eyes in the back of your head too.

Ah, Your nose is my favorite part
And the most interesting I might add
You can smell a dirty diaper 50 yards away
And up you jump, like a launching pad.

Then you have those ears of yours
that can tune into me when I talk,
Man, how can you hear under my breath
then tune me out when I squawk.

Those shoulders of yours, mom
are great as I can see,
They can hold the weight of the world
and almost never be set free.

So mother I just came to say:

Some people are inspired by fortune and fame
Some by the unique traits of another
Some by soceity’s prestigious name
But I, by the values instilled in me from my mother.


© Copyright 2000 Melissa - All Rights Reserved
Dawn Eclipse
Senior Member
since 01-31-2000
Posts 640
The Horsehead Nebula


1 posted 05-05-2000 07:33 PM       View Profile for Dawn Eclipse   Email Dawn Eclipse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dawn Eclipse

I don't think this poem sounds funny at all.  It is a beautiful piece, and very inspirational.  I enjoyed it very much!  

 "Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying."
Harry Anderson, "Night Court"

*Cassandra Roseen*
Jeffrey Carter
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 04-08-2000
Posts 2424
State of constant confusion!


2 posted 05-05-2000 07:39 PM       View Profile for Jeffrey Carter   Email Jeffrey Carter   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jeffrey Carter

What parts don't fit?
This is PERFECT.

All my love,
Jeffrey

 I lie awake in a world filled with dreams,
but dreams can be so real when you don't know you're asleep
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


3 posted 05-05-2000 11:36 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Ok..remember you asked..*S*. I see some problems with the meter. I am not an expert on meter but I read a poem in a rythum and when it doesn't work it makes me stumble.

In the first stanza...1st line. I would remove the word So. It breaks the rythum you create through the rest of the poem.

In the third line of the first stanza you need another syllable for it to work for me.

Hmm...I'll do it this way and you tell me what you think...lol.

To my dear beloved mother,
Whom I cherish through the years.
Who gave to me the gift of life,
In my youth you dried my tears.

You held me to your bosum,
Sang to me a childhood song,
As a toddler I would stumble,
But you helped me to grow strong.

When each disease of childhood,
Came on up to my front door.
You were always at my bed side,
Your sweet love was the cure.

When nightmares did awake me, mom
And my eyes were filled with tears
You were always there to help me, mom
And your words would soothe my fears.

But where you won the prize, dear mom,
The merits and the cheers.
Is how you stuck with a part of me
Even through these teenage years.

But  I have come to ask you this
“How did this happen to you?”
You have Ears that can hear all
And eyes in the back of your head too.
(I am not sure what you are trying to say in this last stanza??? How did what happen to her? What does having eyes in the back of her head have to do with what happened to her?)

Ah, Your nose is my favorite part,
And the most interesting I might add.
You can smell a dirty diaper 50 yards away (this line doesn't work..can't think on how to make it fit. "You can smell a dirty diaper." works but then you loose the distance remark.)
And up you jump, like a launching pad.

Then you have those ears of yours,
That can tune into me when I talk,
Man, how can you hear under my breath
Then tune me out when I squawk.

Those shoulders of yours, mom
Are great as I can see,
They can hold the weight of the world
And almost never be set free. (what do you mean by almost never be set free? What was the intent of this line?)

So mother I just came to say:

Some people are inspired by fortune and fame
Some by the unique traits of another
Some by soceity’s prestigious name
But I, by the values instilled in me from my mother.


I hope I was of some help. these are just suggestions and I am sure I have missed something that I should have gotten in the lines that confused me. If you have any questions please feel free to e-mail me.  




 When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shodows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face...

William Butler Yeats
Blondie
Member
since 08-06-99
Posts 307
Ohio


4 posted 05-06-2000 10:37 AM       View Profile for Blondie   Email Blondie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Blondie

THANKS EVERYONE, I'll have to fill you in on how the seminar went!    I appreciate all of you!!
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


5 posted 05-06-2000 10:03 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Lovely sentiments in this Blondie! How did the seminar go?

Denise
netswan
Senior Member
since 03-28-2000
Posts 1395
Washington


6 posted 05-06-2000 10:09 PM       View Profile for netswan   Email netswan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit netswan's Home Page   View IP for netswan

Well done Blondie - You got lots of great
help in here. Hope it arrived in time.
Your poem is lovely.
And, gosh you should know, my dear, that
all mom's have ears and eyes in back
of their heads. --- WE just know things.
Weren't you ever told? LOL

Lovely poem for your mom, sweetie.

hugs from netswan
Blondie will be notified of replies
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