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Open Poetry #7
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Joannak
Member
since 2000-03-11
Posts 121
Indiana, USA

0 posted 2000-04-24 04:56 PM


Under a full moon ~
two bodies, join together
become one shadow

jk



 What better way to become immortal than to wake up each day and write? Ray Bradbury



© Copyright 2000 Joannak - All Rights Reserved
EagleOne
Member Elite
since 2000-03-07
Posts 2829
Between a laugh and a tear...
1 posted 2000-04-24 05:36 PM


I like this one very much, thanks for sharing.  

 Not all those who wander are lost. ~J.R.R. Tolkien

vandana
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Patricius
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463
USA
2 posted 2000-04-24 05:58 PM


Welcome to passion,nice poem!!!!
Beki
Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1569
Newport Beach, CA, USA
3 posted 2000-04-24 06:08 PM


this is beautiful, one suggestion...haiku is never repetitive, and saying "join together" is a waste of syllables. BEcause ifthey are joined we naturally assume it is together, is redundant to say so. You can write it with less than 17 syallables, something like

Under a full moon ~
two bodies join,
become one shadow.

but it is better for the second line to be longest so you could format it

under a full moon -
two bodies join, become
one shadow.

or you could add syllables to the second line, describing a little more....

just a thought.

Mike
Member Elite
since 1999-06-19
Posts 2462

4 posted 2000-04-24 06:14 PM


Enjoyed your poem.
brandondinsmore
Member
since 1999-10-27
Posts 142
OKC, OK
5 posted 2000-04-24 07:24 PM


Actually, Becki, I think that you are straying from the true form of the Haiku.  But, either way, it is a good one, and I like it' sdifference...Good job, my poet.
INclan
Senior Member
since 1999-07-20
Posts 1024
Indiana, USA
6 posted 2000-04-24 07:47 PM


Joanna,

This is great!  It doesn't matter to me if it is Haiku or Senryu, it is still good.

Inclan

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
7 posted 2000-04-25 06:53 AM


Joanna~
Your thoughts are unique ...
and I like your thoughts very much.
~*Marge*~


 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com


mariee66
Senior Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 596
Recess, OfYourMind
8 posted 2000-04-25 01:22 PM


This is great~
I love reading your work~
Marie~

Beki
Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1569
Newport Beach, CA, USA
9 posted 2000-04-25 01:31 PM


Brandon, there is much more to haiku then the 5-7-5 syllable count and it has long been accepted, even required in some places, for English haiku to be shorter (more like 6-4-6,) because of the differences in our languages (english and japanese)...17 japanese syllabes would translate more like 13-14 in english. But the fact is the syllable count is really the least important attribute of the form, which I studied extensively for 2 years, so you see this is something I know about.In fact, it is probably what I know MOST about when it comes to writing poetry.

Interesting INclan should mention senyru, because it more truly is a senyru poem. The difference is a haiku's theme is the nature of the universe while a senyru's theme is the nature of man BUT as INclan says, it is a wonderful poem in either case, I never meant to imply it wasn't. Just thought you could tighten it up a little.Sorry if anyone found that offensive.

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