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Passions in Poetry

Things I've Always Wanted To Say ( child abuse challenge)

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Jeffrey Carter
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since 04-08-2000
Posts 2424
State of constant confusion!


0 posted 04-19-2000 08:33 PM       View Profile for Jeffrey Carter   Email Jeffrey Carter   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Jeffrey Carter

I cannot express the pain I feel
when I look upon your face
It's sad to think that you made me
feel such an awful hate

What did I ever do to you
that's what I would like to know
All I ever wanted was to love you
but now the answer is NO!

Why did you have to take
my childhood dreams away?
I'm here just to say a few things
I've always wanted to say

No longer will I just sit by
and pretend I don't feel the pain
I'm here to stand up to you
and to keep it from happening again

I see the look in your eye
when you look at my kids
I WILL NOT let them trust you
the way that I once did

You will not see them anymore
and that goes for myself too
This is the last you will hear from me
'cause I am through with you

So listen very closely
to every word I say
For everything you did to me
One day you'll have to pay

I know how this must hurt
to hear me say good-bye
But you're not my father anymore
You're just a man who made me cry


To my friends at passions,

I cannot tell you how difficult this was for me to write. These words are being aired for the first time anywhere. Thank you for all your understanding and kindness. I was once ashamed to tell anyone of my pain, but Through all of the posts I can see that I am not alone. Thank you for being there.
I owe a special TY to Marina. Thank you for bringing this topic to this forum. So many lives can and will be touched. You are a very special person with a very special heart.

Jeffrey

© Copyright 2000 Jeffrey D. Carter - All Rights Reserved
kaile
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since 02-06-2000
Posts 5323
singapore


1 posted 04-19-2000 08:59 PM       View Profile for kaile   Email kaile   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kaile

Oh dear,what a dilemma you must be in now....
not knowing how to come to terms with your dad and hesitant about whether he will harm your children...
my thoughts are with you and i hope you will find inner peace soon ")
best regards ")
Marina
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since 02-10-2000
Posts 2267
Pickering, Ontario


2 posted 04-19-2000 09:02 PM       View Profile for Marina   Email Marina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marina

Jeffery, I believe so many of as are coming forward for the first time.  It is the first step to healing our minds and souls. I know how difficult it is to express pain to paper.  You have done so beautifully my friend. A friend in need, is a friend indeed and you have many here at Passions I can asure you.  Thank you for opening your heart and posting to this most difficult subject.

Your friend,
Marina
WhiteNite
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since 04-09-2000
Posts 249
Montgomery, AL


3 posted 04-19-2000 09:07 PM       View Profile for WhiteNite   Email WhiteNite   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhiteNite's Home Page   View IP for WhiteNite

  

Hate to see it happen "so close to home" so to speak.  

You know what's best, I surely don't know all the details.  But if there is hope for change I hope things work out between you and your dad.  

My dad and I were never really close for a loooooong time, and within the past few years he's become one of my best friends.  It took me losing just about every other friend I had to get me to that point, but even at such a price I'm glad he's in my life.

Best wishes to you and your family.  I'm sorry to hear of your pains and tribulations, but they were very well expressed through this work.  Thanks for the read

[This message has been edited by WhiteNite (edited 04-19-2000).]
Jeffrey Carter
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4 posted 04-19-2000 09:45 PM       View Profile for Jeffrey Carter   Email Jeffrey Carter   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jeffrey Carter

I would like to say thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Marina,
As I said before, you are a very special person with a vey special heart. It is truly good to know that this place is like a family. I feel more at home "hiding" here than I do anywhere else.
Thank you again Marina, and everyone who has ever lived with the "shame" of abuse.

All my love,
Jeffrey
Marina
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since 02-10-2000
Posts 2267
Pickering, Ontario


5 posted 04-19-2000 10:01 PM       View Profile for Marina   Email Marina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marina

You are truly welcome my friend.
Welcome home!

Marina
netswan
Senior Member
since 03-28-2000
Posts 1395
Washington


6 posted 04-19-2000 10:13 PM       View Profile for netswan   Email netswan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit netswan's Home Page   View IP for netswan

Congratulations  Jeffrey, and welcome
to this group of people grown who have
finally stood and shouted out their
pain.

Yes, it is good, I know your fear and no,
he should not be near.  I know its hard
as childhood pain binds us with hate and
shame and love -----But, you have the chance to say goodbye and do it with finesse.

Once my stepfather called me when my children
were small ---I was shocked, when he said,
"Hi princess - I am in town."  MY heart went
snap, and I hung up fast and
ran outside and called my kids
and cuddled them safely tucked at my side.

Then called the police and had the phone
call traced - not an easy task back then,
but when it was done - he was miles and
miles away --- I watched my windows and
and my doors, my kids must have thought
I had taken some kind of over protective
mother "looney pills"  

He died a couple of months ago, I am so
relieved.

netswan.

Jeffrey Carter
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7 posted 04-19-2000 11:22 PM       View Profile for Jeffrey Carter   Email Jeffrey Carter   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jeffrey Carter

Netswan,
I'm not saying I want him dead. What I am saying is I want him to suffer with the pain of knowing what he did and the fact that that is why he can't see me or his granchildren.
I know this is a bad thing to say but if he did die today I hope he burns in....well you know.
I know I am bitter, but I believe I have the right to be.

Jeffrey
Tara Simms
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since 08-12-99
Posts 1285
Honea Path, SC USA


8 posted 04-19-2000 11:27 PM       View Profile for Tara Simms   Email Tara Simms   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Tara Simms's Home Page   View IP for Tara Simms

Jeffrey, I'm glad you've found an outlet for your pain.  I'm also touched that you trust us here enough to share it.  
Marina
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since 02-10-2000
Posts 2267
Pickering, Ontario


9 posted 04-19-2000 11:31 PM       View Profile for Marina   Email Marina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marina

Jeffery we all go through the "bitter" stage, and that's ok.  It is all part of the healing process.  It doesn't make you a terrible person.  Perhaps it just reminds us that after everything we've been through....you can still feel. Healing takes time, and friends and family can help.  All you have to do is let them in.  If you would like to talk Jeffrey, I am but an e-mail away!

Marina
Butterflies_dont_cry
Member Elite
since 03-06-2000
Posts 3768
Michigan


10 posted 04-19-2000 11:35 PM       View Profile for Butterflies_dont_cry   Email Butterflies_dont_cry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Butterflies_dont_cry


Jeffrey,
How I wish your words were my words...I can always feel sorrow for others as I read the posts but still feel that my own pain is my fault...sad how that works.  Your words and your note at the end were very truthful and heartfelt.  My heart goes out to you my friend and I can honestly say....you are not alone. **Angel Wing Hugs** for they ask nothing in return.


 Hold me for yesterday
Kiss me for tomorrow
But love me for today.

Martie
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since 09-21-1999
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11 posted 04-19-2000 11:53 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

I admire your courage in writing your pain...it is the first step towards healing, along with speaking up to the pain giver.  You are right to protect your children...a sexual preditor does not just stop.
Janet Marie
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since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


12 posted 04-20-2000 12:35 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

No,Jeff, you are never alone, and now no longer silent...and with writing and sharing comes healing...take little steps and breathe my friend...your doing just fine.
I am deeply moved by this and very proud of you.
stay strong.
take care, jm
A Romantic Heart
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since 09-03-99
Posts 5497
Forever In Your Heart


13 posted 04-20-2000 03:10 AM       View Profile for A Romantic Heart   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for A Romantic Heart

Jeffery this is good to let go and flow it out through your poetry and it will help others who have been through it....my prayers are with you and the pain your feeling!

Alot of courage...
netswan
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since 03-28-2000
Posts 1395
Washington


14 posted 04-20-2000 03:22 AM       View Profile for netswan   Email netswan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit netswan's Home Page   View IP for netswan

Jeffrey, I never thought you wanted him
dead.  Just going along with you on your
decision to put him out of your life
and for you to protect your children, of
which I can only guess.

I wanted my stepfather dead, as to my knowledge he damaged over ten little girls
and my thoughts were thank GOD - he can
hurt no others. I am glad he is gone,
and so many times I wish it was many years
ago, and I had been brave enough to do
it myself.

And should those death wishes ever surface,
please Jeffrey, that is totally "normal"

Through my life, I have had horrid thoughts
and even sat one night with my sister and
a butcher knife over his neck. We were more
worried about the "fingerprints!"  Then she
chickened out, not me. -----and those
thoughts stick sometimes with me.

She was nine and I was seven and he was
sleeping - and all we could think is that
mommy said -- "He won't die, so don't try
to kill him. I know you guys want to do
away with him, but don't try, cuz you can't kill him!

Well, my mom may have saved us from a horrid
decision with her lies. And the sad part was
mom, truly believed what she said.

netswan
Jeffrey Carter
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Posts 2424
State of constant confusion!


15 posted 04-20-2000 04:54 PM       View Profile for Jeffrey Carter   Email Jeffrey Carter   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jeffrey Carter

Again I would like to thank all of you for listening and giving me the courage to talk about this. I must say it feels like alot of weight has been lifted from these shoulders of mine. Thank you all again.

All my love,
Jeffrey
redwriter1
Member
since 07-22-99
Posts 476
Franklin, TN


16 posted 08-13-2000 12:06 PM       View Profile for redwriter1   Email redwriter1   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for redwriter1

Trying to type with blurry vision here. (sigh).....


I don't think Im strong enough to write my story just yet.

I think you said what you needed to and I hope he burns somewhere too, along with all the ones like him.
 
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