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If I killed you, would you still love me?
| Corner Pub #2 |
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If I killed you, would you still love me? |
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X Q poet Junior Member
since 2003-03-25
Posts 47 |
If I broke the vow I made of old And tarnished lives, not made of gold... If I killed you, would you still love me? I'm full of lies and foul deceit And even with my sin complete If I love you, will you still kill me? Hi guys... I've posted a littlebit around, but not much... I would appreciate harsh critiques...  Thanks... http://www.xqpoetry.com <-- Now with forums! :) |
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| © Copyright 2003 Andreas Chernus - All Rights Reserved | |||
Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
A mother would still love. Joyce |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
quote: Stop. Not made of gold? That sounds very, very forced. I'd definitely revise that. I know you were probably pleased with yourself for rhyming three whole syllables, but the way you chose to do that just ends up sounding awkward. Revise these lines, maybe give yourself an easier rhyme to deal with if you can't think of anything better than "not made of gold." quote: This here... I think the "even" sounds too much like a meter filler. Revise that last line, again it seems a bit like you're struggling to fit into your format. It's not that bad really, but in a short poem like this you want to have as few weaker lines as possible... otherwise you risk having a simply weak poem. There's not much more I can say about this... it's not a bad concept, I think in addition to the cited lines above this poem is too short. You could expand it a lot more and go into greater detail on the subject you're discussing, clear out some of the ambiguity. But if ambiguity is your game, then by all means, leave it as it is. Just some suggestions. Hope this helps. Parasite "Faith" means the will to avoid knowing what is true. |
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X Q poet Junior Member
since 2003-03-25
Posts 47 |
Thanks for the review! I didn't think about the three rhyming syllables in "not made of gold" actually... But I agree, it does sound forced, I will revise that! Could you explain what you mean a little more on the "even" part... I'm aware that the word is un-necessary for the poem as a whole... It's there for the rythm, and it doesn't add anything content-wise... But why should I drop it? Thoughts? Thanks again, I appreciate it! http://www.xqpoetry.com <-- Now with forums! :) |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
As Parasite suggested, you can add a more descriptive word to better describe your 'sin' like the word evil or dreadful or horrid or rancid or pleasured etc. etc... So, this line would read something like this... And with my (evil) sin complete That way you're not just filling in to make your syllable count and/or your meter come out correctly, but you are now actually painting a clearer picture for your reading audience to better understand your poem by adding an adjective of your choice. I hope this helps to answer your question. -Bob |
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X Q poet Junior Member
since 2003-03-25
Posts 47 |
Yeah, thanks! That's really helpful... As to the first line you mentioned. I've considered it a littlebit back and forth. And I think I'm going to keep it. Because the expression "people made of gold" and "lives made of gold" isn't just picked up at random. It's actually an expression I use in several of my poems. So I'm thinking about keeping it, unless you have some strong opinions against it... Thanks again, this is really helpful! http://www.xqpoetry.com <-- Now with forums! :) |
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