Compare Version of White Mountain

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Corner Pub #2

Compare Version of White Mountain

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

0 posted 2003-03-20 03:57 PM

Compare Version of White Mountain

Orginal:

White Mountain

White mountain stands quietly among the wind;
The sky acts as a shade to sun rays.
The clouds are swayed by the wind,
Slowly shepherded across wide pasture
Of evening, which all are observed
By the white mountain under the shade.

©Mar 12, 2003
Eliza Simmons

Comment by others:
From:   "Raven"
Date:  Wed Mar 19, 2003  2:12 pm
Subject:  Re: White Mountain [Please Critique]

This poem has a good handle on description, but instead of seing it
in front of me in nature, I imagine it is on a poster.

Give it a little more substance. Description and give the mountain
more personality. Anything will do. Give it human traits to grab the
reader. Reader connect with that. ;->

But keep this poem. You can make a followup. ;->

Raven

White Mountain (v2)

White mountain rest among the wind
With a sigh under her umberalla.
Day and night went by,
She indeed seemed to have an easy life.
But if you count the sand and rain
That once hit against her skin,
Or that the air withered her trees,
How sorrow and borken heart she must have felt.
Yet she is content with nature.
Nature is beauty, yet sometimes she will mock
The meaning of living and the sobbing tears.
Tonight the sun has grace on cloud.
Yet another night soon be coming by,
Sigh the mountian, observing sun
Guiding the crossing clouds.

(c)Mar 20, 2003
Eliza Simmons

Which version you like better? Both are done by me.

Eliza Simmons
~Every girl has a dream within.

Joyce Johnson

Member Rara Avis

since 2001-03-10

Posts 9912
Washington State

1 posted 2003-03-20 05:26 PM

I think perhps the second one has more substance. Lovely though. Joyce

Trillium

Member Patricius

since 2001-03-09

Posts 12098
Idaho, USA

2 posted 2003-03-20 11:05 PM

Eliza: I really like both versions, but the second one is a little more interesting, because the mountain becomes more active in the poem. It is not just a mountain standing there, but an entity.

Betty Lou Hebert

SPIRIT
Senior Member

since 2002-12-29

Posts 1745
California Desert

3 posted 2003-03-20 11:24 PM

I like both as well, but the second one holds my attention more. Lovely writes both of them.

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