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Smile of the Heart - Songwriting - Alt Rock
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Smile of the Heart - Songwriting - Alt Rock |
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PoetryIsLife 
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... 
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Hello  Noah and I were talking, and we decided here would be a good place to venture for crituque/opinion of this alt rock/Pete Yorn style song. I'm just looking to see what you think, and improve.  Thank you."Smile of the Heart" Verse One: Before you go baby, before you go I wanted to tell you I may not understand this love for you but no, I do not regret. It was inevitable I'd fall. The thought you love in return causes a smile of the heart Chorus: I've got a smile of the heart, over you. I may be losing you, but I've got a smile of the heart even without you. Verse Two: I can't comprehend the return, love, the affections you send my way as you walk through that door. My wish is to wake up with a bliss bliss bliss whiff of your hair. It won't happen love, for our pairing seems destines to always fall free (Chorus) I'll hide it away love, the passion for you. That little, should I say large, corner of this battered heart with your imprint, dear ... dear, only you and I know about. When the tears demand fuel, when passion needs a leak, I'll have and endless ... and endless supply. (chorus) Verse Four: When I need a smile, love, I need just think of you and it's it's just unavoidable. The best to me be only you, the owner of my love. Every next day we exist and ever after I'll look forward to you, even... even if I'll never be able to touch to touch you be able to tough, touch you. My love. (chorus) |
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| © Copyright 2002 Daniel Redding - All Rights Reserved | |||
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Hi, Titus You already know I like this. I have no clue how to critique a song, but I do have a clue about what I like..lol. I think this has the potential to be a beautiful song. I love the 'feel' of it and the 'idea' of it. I can't wait till I can hear it put to music. Keep up the great writing, my friend. Hugs, ~Vicky |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
I agree, Vicky, when it's put to music, my vision for the song will be much more apperant. Thank you, by the way. Sincerely, Titus "A life unexamined is not worth living." |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Actually, any of the poetry forums would be appropriate for this, since you can easily ask for critiques on the lyric quality, as I have for some songs, or rather psalms, that I've posted in Spiritual. |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Would a moderator mind moving it there for me? ~Titus "A life unexamined is not worth living." |
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Street Heart Member
since 2002-09-05
Posts 349Pennsylvania,USA |
Titus...I just wanted to tell you that I thought that this not only had so many original lines and ideas,but is just very good over-all.I was surprised to read that you don't have a melody for this yet.It "screams" for it.I don't know if you ever heard of Alan and Marlyn Bergman,but I read a comment that they had made over the well-known french composer,Michel Legrand,stating,"he has words on the tips of his notes."I thought it was such a cool comment,and I'd have to say that the same applies here with your work. Fellow-songwriter,Geoffrey Sonnen |
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aries_luv_ppl Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448Universal Mind |
nice, I hum along the lines. Eliza Simmons |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Geoffrey.... wow. Thank you. You comments mean a great deal to me.Sincerely, Titus "A life unexamined is not worth living." |
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