navwin » Archives » Corner Pub #2 » Roses the Lesson
Corner Pub #2
Post A Reply Post New Topic Roses the Lesson Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448
Universal Mind

0 posted 2002-10-24 03:22 PM


ZtheMeow is here. zZZZZ...
But...
When she walks in rose garden,
She takes her doze away.
Wow...
One lovely day out,
The sunshine lay on her hair.
Roses with transparent touch,
All are work of white shades.
Lying over the wreath of flowers,
With silky green cloth as my bed sheet,
Hours pass by observing the sky.
The clouds seem like a fur scarf on a green blanket
That has lively color of flower patterns.
Trees are like button; stand out from the fabric.
Butterflies seem to be attracted
By the scent of the cloth.
And what about the birds?
The birds embrace the fur scarf with wings,
As though they are sleeping on it,
Singing praises as they awake.
Roses...are just part of the beautiful nature,
Yet through its beauty and sour, we learn to live.
Roses...beautiful but pass way.
The pollen, however, pass on.
Roeses...beautiful but what last
Is the spirit, which can be seen,
When the tender shoots bloom.
Roses...beautiful but with a closer look,
Holes, and bugs can be found.
Beautifiul... is the contrast of characteristic and our perspective
That make roses special.

//please comment on it. (grammer, clarity, image, logic) usually when I post it in critical analyze, not much comment reply to my post


Eliza Simmons
~Sometimes when I look back at what I wrote, I don't recognize the 'Me' in the past anymore.


[This message has been edited by aries_luv_ppl (10-25-2002 03:21 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 Eliza Simmons - All Rights Reserved
Joyce Johnson
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912
Washington State
1 posted 2002-10-24 10:06 PM


Dear Eliza,

I know it must be frustrating to ask for criticism and not get it from us.  The reason I have hesitated is that the way you write is so unique (it is obvious that English is not your first language) that I find it charming.I am afraid to try to put it into proper English would be to destroy it.  To be truthful I did not quite understand the first line.  I translate it as saying "The cat is sleeping."  Am I right?
But saying it in in your words is so much more intriguing.  "She takes her doze away."  So much more attractive than saying "She wakes up."   You get your ideas across even though your English is not the same as I would write it.  I love it.  

This is the way I would probably have written your poem and it would not have been nearly as charming.

The cat is asleep
But when she walks in the rose garden
She awakens.  Wow!
One lovely day
The sunshine reflects on her hair.

Roses of white shades are so frail as to be transparent.

The flowers are as a wreath of flowers Strewn on the silky green which is my bed.

( I don't know if you are the cat here, or have changed to yourself).

The hours pass as I observe the sky.
The clouds are like a fur scarf on a green blanket.  ( I would probably have said blue blanket.)
Patterned with the lively color of flowers.
Trees are like buttons, standing out from the fabric.
Butterflies seem to be attracted
By the scent of the cloth.
And what about the birds?
The birds embrace the fur scarf with their wings.
As though they are asleep upon it,
Singing praises as they fly across.

( I don't quite understand that.  If they are asleep why are they flying?  But in your words it is delightful.)

Roses are just part of the beauty of nature.
Through the beauty and the ugliness of nature we learn to live.
Roses are  so beautiful, but they die.
The pollen, however, lives on
Roses..beautiful but what lasts
Is the spirit, which can be seen
When the tender shoots bloom.
Roses.. beautiful, but with a closer look,
Holes and bugs can be found.
It is this contrast of characteristics and our own perspectives
That make roses special.


( Your logic is clear.  The images are clear.  Your grammar is your own interpretation of our difficult language and I have always loved the way you talk.)

Please don't change to sound like all of the rest of us.  Love, Joyce
  

Trillium
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Patricius
since 2001-03-09
Posts 12098
Idaho, USA
2 posted 2002-10-24 10:26 PM


Eliza:  I have just read Joyce's comments and she has covered my feelings as well as her own.  Your style and your poems are a treat, just because they are different from the usual.  Your command of English is sufficient that you always get your message across and share your thoughts.  Why tamper with a good thing?  We love you just the way you are!

Betty Lou Hebert

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448
Universal Mind
3 posted 2002-10-25 01:19 PM


thanks I find out so many grammer mistakes after I posted! But I'm glad I get the msg across

Eliza Simmons
~Sometimes when I look back at what I wrote, I don't recognize the 'Me' in the past anymore.

Eden
New Member
since 2002-09-28
Posts 5

4 posted 2002-10-27 10:12 AM


Hi, I dont spend as much time here as I would like to and dont respond to as many posts as I would like to, guess im a bit of a lurker...lol

But I really wanted to respond, and once again Joyce's comments pretty much covered what I was going say. I really love the way this feels so free and flow like...as I read, I could just imagine seeing it all in front of me unfolding...the observations, the questions, the emotions. I really think this is truly beautiful. =)

It made me feel a way that I didnt (and probally couldnt) feel ten minutes ago...

Thanks for a really nice work.

~Exoriare aliquis nostris ex ossibus ultor~

Eden

Eden
New Member
since 2002-09-28
Posts 5

5 posted 2002-10-27 10:13 AM


sorry> Double post!

[This message has been edited by Eden (10-27-2002 10:15 AM).]

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Corner Pub #2 » Roses the Lesson

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary