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CHILI
Member

since 2002-09-08

Posts 244

0 posted 2002-09-12 06:25 PM

OUTLAWS AND OUTCASTS

Each one of us,
Our own secrets hide.
Each personality a plus.
Our tokens to life's ride.

Some days are hard,
Others just pass by.
We just play our dealt card,
And hoope the well don't run dry.

Whenever times get rough,
One of us arrives,
To tell the other to "Cowboy Up!"
This is how we survive.

Happy times are shared,
And with the sad times we do deal.
All of us geniunely care.
This is true and very real.

We have those that stray.
We hope they aren't gone long.
We patiently await the day,
They return to where they belong.

Upon each other we depend,
To keep ourselves on track.
Society just can't comprehend,
Why we watch each others back.

None of us have much at all,
Yet, quite more than most.
If we're needed, it takes but a call.
Our loyalty is our boast.

Whatever we have, we freely give.
It comes only from the heart,
With the prayer that we each live
To find a horse to pull our cart.

Street Heart
Member

since 2002-09-05

Posts 349
Pennsylvania,USA

1 posted 2002-09-13 02:54 PM

Hey,Kathy,I thought your offering here was good.I believe you are talking about the USA, am I wrong?
   I want to stress here that I am not picking your work apart,OK?I just wanted to suggest a few things and inform you about the edit feature that is available when you make a "whoops!",OK?
   Your one verse that begins with,
"Some days are hard
Others just pass by.
We just play our dealt card,...",your next line needs a little work..."And hoope the well don't run dry".There is an icon at the top of your work where you can correct the spelling of "hope" and your grammar there is a little off,of course,but then by fixing it,your meter runs a little off.And you are mixing metaphors using two different references within the same sentence(no biggie).I always try to keep the rhthym of my writing in mind,which can be a little tricky when you are striving for congruity and cohesion of your subject matter.
   I hope you aren't offended by me.I just wanted to help you improve the talent you already have for perspective and expression.Believe me,I am always reediting...even things I have written years ago.
Just one more thing...your line,"We patiently await the day [when] they return to where they belong",the word "when" brings cohesion to that line.The whole verse where that line lies,to me,is my favorite within your poem.And I liked "Cowboy up" too.I don't see that very often.

Again,I hope you didn't mind my suggestions.

Peace,Geoffrey

[This message has been edited by Street Heart (09-13-2002 02:55 PM).]

Joyce Johnson

Member Rara Avis

since 2001-03-10

Posts 9912
Washington State

2 posted 2002-09-13 05:22 PM

I see our friend ahead of me has given a few suggestions. We all need that once in awhile so please don't take offense when we offer advice. I found your poem very heart warming. And someone had to tell me how to correct errors once they had been posted. That is very helpful. Love, Joyce

A. L. Becker
Member

since 2002-09-06

Posts 167
San Francisco, California

3 posted 2002-09-13 10:03 PM

dear CHILI,
i loved the romantic picture you painted. i saw a cowboy's life and code of honor when i read your poem. really nice.
Annie:-

"Oh, do not ask, 'What is it?'
Let us go and make our visit."
-Eliot

CHILI
Member

since 2002-09-08

Posts 244

4 posted 2002-09-15 07:14 AM

Thanks guys. No offense taken, but I guess I got back to the poem to late to edit it. I await more help.

Street Heart
Member

since 2002-09-05

Posts 349
Pennsylvania,USA

5 posted 2002-09-16 01:51 AM

Hey,Kathy,it's not too late!At the top of your submission there are 4 icons.There is one for your profile,another to email you,and one for you to go in and edit any time you want(I forget what the fourth one is for).So,now you know!

Peace,Geoff

P.S.If you look at some of my poetry sites,you will see down at the bottom of the poem a statement which declares the time the work was edited.It comes in handy when you make a "whoops!",don't you think?You can even edit your responses to someone else.By the way,do you also know that you can send greeting cards to friends and family using yours or other's poetry as the centerpiece?They give you lots of options and are very beautiful!

CHILI
Member

since 2002-09-08

Posts 244

6 posted 2002-09-16 08:04 AM

StreetHeart, I have tried to edit this several times. It keeps telling me that I have to do so within 24 hours. I will contact a moderator and see if they can help. Thank you for making sure I know what options are available.

Street Heart
Member

since 2002-09-05

Posts 349
Pennsylvania,USA

7 posted 2002-09-16 10:33 AM

Sorry,Kathy.It has been over 2 years that I have been absent from "Passions".I totally forgot about the 24 hour deadline.Well, tell me what happens with the moderator,I'd like to know,OK?

Sheepishly,Geoffrey

CHILI
Member

since 2002-09-08

Posts 244

8 posted 2002-09-16 10:39 AM

StreetHeart, not a problem, I tend to overlook things more then I should, so I hold no ill will. Thanks for being so helpful.

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