»
Archives
»
Corner Pub #2
»
Invocation
| Corner Pub #2 |
|
Invocation |
|
|
pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa 
|
this is my first Shakespearean sonnet. Would appreciate some feedback. thanks. ---------------------------------------------------- Invocation She glides like a swan, my heartbeat, my love her skin like fine silk, soft hair spun from gold shy gentle lady so blessed from above you are the one my eyes ache to behold Oh, how I long to embrace tenderly the prize that my heart holds ever so dear the queen of my world I wish her to be no trouble would vex me if she were near turn now my princess, look kindly at me do not reject this offering in haste mull the thought slowly for then you will see love is too precious a diamond to waste Am I the one, how I pray you’ll chose me forever your mate I so want to be the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost [This message has been edited by pegasus111 (02-07-2002 04:28 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 pegasus111 - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Wobbly Head Bob Member
since 2000-05-15
Posts 299Virginia, USA |
Nice one, buddy! I loved the line, "you are the one my eyes ache to behold"...quite powerful indeed. Every line in every stanza is 10 syllables long...save for the second line in the first. Why is that? I'm not familiar at all with sonnets, it just seems strange. The last night of the second stanza fits alright...its just missing something. Some quality, it doesn't roll right if you say it outloud. But a great piece all the same...rivetting! |
||
|
pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
ooops. you're right of course. I left out a word. sorry.  the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
||
Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
Oh I spent several minutes trying to find the sentence that didn't fit and then I see you have corrected it. This is fine. A love sonnet. Seems to fit the criteria. My only comment is that this formal style should start with capitals for each line should it not? Joyce [This message has been edited by Joyce Johnson (02-07-2002 08:11 PM).] |
||
|
Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Wow, this is pretty cool! Your theme develops really good, your syllable count and rhyme scheme are in order, but... LOL... you knew there'd be a but  sonnets are supposed to be written in iambic pentameter. Instead of even trying to explain that to you I'll give you the link to last month's Workshop. /pip/Forum22/HTML/000400.html Other than that... I love it. |
||
|
pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
yes, I know...you caught me!!..lol..hard as I tried, I just couldn't get the rhythm of iambic pentameter for this one. Maybe if I leave it for awhile and then come back to it I'll be able to work it out. Thanks for the insightful comment. the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
