Nature's Beauty ( suggestions welcome... it doesn't flow right to me...)

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rosepetals25

Member Elite

since 2000-05-31

Posts 3076
PA

0 posted 2000-07-27 11:22 AM

I've been working on this for a few days.. and it still doesn't seem to be right to me yet.. any suggestions are more than welcome.

Nature’s Beauty

The sunrise in the brisk morning air
The world slowly awakening.
Dew kissed leaves that sparkle
Shining in the new day’s light
White clouds fill the baby blue skies
Soft and light, all shapes and sizes.
Sunlight shining down from overhead
Casting shadows that swirl and dance
The day goes on as the daylight dims
Twilight settles over the land.
Brilliant colors fill the gradually darkening skies
Blues, pinks, lavenders, oranges…
Like fingers reaching towards the heavens.
Do you ever stop and look around…
Take the time to see the beauty
That surrounds us everyday

ma miller
Senior Member

since 2000-07-11

Posts 806

1 posted 2000-07-27 11:29 AM

Nature's Beauty ...

A sunrise in morning's brisk air
World slowly awakens to behold
Dew kissed sparkling leaves
Shining in the new day’s light
White clouds fill the baby blue skies
Soft and light, of all shapes and size
Sunlight shining down from overhead
Casting shadows that swirl and dance
The day goes on as the daylight dims
Twilight settles over our eyes
Brilliant colors fill darkening skies
Blues, pinks, lavenders, oranges
Fingers reaching towards the heavens
Do you ever stop and look around
Take the time to see the beauty
On a new day's heavenly surround

(just a suggestion)

My calling before me, let quill be my offering;
For to be called poet, no greater gift to receive.

M.A.

ethome
Member Patricius

since 2000-05-14

Posts 11858
New Brunswick Canada

2 posted 2000-07-27 11:35 AM

You got the words, you need a dash of atmospheric mood, one tablespoon of arrangement, a pinch of rhyme, just a half a cap of chilled Liebrafamilch (for warmth), mix together generously and all those beautiful ingredients that you already have will start to flow like a Tindal, a JM, a Santos, and many many others just as worthy......watch how they all do it..it's amazing sometimes...

Bill Charles
Member Patricius

since 2000-07-11

Posts 10619
highways, & byways, for now

3 posted 2000-07-27 12:08 PM

Rosepetals25,
This sounds good to me, a little more rhyming of words perhaps. The thoughts are definitely there.

Zion
Junior Member

since 2000-07-23

Posts 33
Melbourne Australia

4 posted 2000-07-27 02:39 PM

leave it as is
Apoem like nature is never really finished
beauty is in the eye of the beholder

rosepetals25

Member Elite

since 2000-05-31

Posts 3076
PA

5 posted 2000-07-27 08:59 PM

MA Miller - I like that ending.. it fits the poem much better. Thank you for your input.

ethome - I've seen how they do it and it is amazing.

Bill - Rhyming.. no matter how much I would love to do that.. it's just not one of my strong points. I am always in awe of poets who can rhyme and keep the flow of the poem. I will attempt it though.. wish me luck..lol

Zion - Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate your input as well

T McCoy
Member

since 2000-07-24

Posts 186

6 posted 2000-07-27 10:47 PM

I wouldn't change it any.
Course I change all my stuff....but...that's different.

Tony

Walter Poe
Senior Member

since 1999-10-13

Posts 787

7 posted 2000-07-28 08:25 AM

I have to say i like this poem as it is but using the word THE to often makes many poems dull so this is my suggestion

A sunrise in brisk morning air
The world slowly awakens.
Dew kissing sparkling leaves
Glistens in the new day’s light
White clouds fill baby blue skies
Soft and light, all shapes and sizes.
Sunlight shines down from overhead
Casting shadows swirling and dancing
The day slows as the daylight dims
Twilight settles over the land.
Brilliant colors fill gradually darkening skies
Blues, pinks, lavenders, oranges…
Like fingers reaching towards the heavens.
Do you ever stop and look around…
Taking time to see the beauty
That surrounds us everyday

Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling
From glen to glen, and down the mountain side
The summer's gone, and all the roses falling
'Tis

Butterflies_dont_cry
Member Elite

since 2000-03-06

Posts 3733
Michigan

8 posted 2000-07-28 08:31 AM

I love the idea of this one... we each have our own ideas on how they should flow and I've found the more I work with my the MORE "off" they sound to ME

...have quite a few sitting waiting to be blessed with "flow".
Great imagery and feeling in this piece whether it flows right to you or not

Mark Bohannan
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-21

Posts 7269
In the winds of Cherokee song

9 posted 2000-07-28 08:45 AM

Nature in itself has no even flow. Your words and the vision are still there and
the flow you seek may be the one you want
to ignore. It is hard for me critic someone
elses works as I spend much time beating
myself up over mine.

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