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Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania

0 posted 2000-07-15 05:12 AM


City of Steel


Lonely is the steel-made city,
Place of hope and wrought with pity
Bustling crowds where you can hide the gritty pain of broken dreams
A face that you once knew before
Is all that you are hoping for
An old friend knocking at your door, who readily redeems

The thought of one more lovers dance
Your lonely heart would beg the chance
For one soul in the night perchance to listen to your song
A face that you can recognize
With depth of spirit in his eyes
A face that you had well apprised in secret all along

A dream that he would feel the same
And gently whisper out your name
A voice that without warning came from out of long ago
You are but just an isle atoll
Within the crystal city wall
And many are the dreams that fall in archipelagos

A city is a lonely place,
But you can hide your sorrow’s face
Within the steel and mirrored space you cherished once before
You left the best in search of wealth
Now in despair you find yourself
Just waiting now for someone else to knock upon your door

The crystal, steel and cold concrete  
It is an island of deceit
And you an isle among elite who promise fortune’s day
A promises is an empty word
An emptiness that breeds absurd
And now your heart has truly heard his call from far away

The question is, are you too late
Did he love you enough to wait
Or did the road you chose to take completely mark your fate

Elizabeth Santos



[This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (edited 07-15-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Elizabeth Santos - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
1 posted 2000-07-15 09:08 AM


There are many lines here that stretch the imagination, and quite a few of them sing...

quote:
You are but just an isle atoll
                                   Within the crystal city wall
                           And many are the dreams that fall in archipelagos


amazing...as always...

Sunny

~~~Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.
Helen Keller ~~~

When you want to be loved, look within...KRJ


Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
2 posted 2000-07-15 09:16 AM


I really enjoyed your thoughts in this Elizabeth!  This seems to have a little different form and flow for you ... and I like it   I like it!   Lovely writing!

Best wishes,
/Kit

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
3 posted 2000-07-15 09:28 AM


Elizabeth,
Your words are like flowers and this is a bouquet. Lovely
Love Sy

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

4 posted 2000-07-15 10:16 AM


The thought of one more lovers dance
Your lonely heart would beg the chance
For one soul in the night perchance to listen to your song
A face that you can recognize
With depth of spirit in his eyes
A face that you had well apprised in secret all along

A dream that he would feel the same
And gently whisper out your name
A voice that without warning came from out of long ago
You are but just an isle atoll
Within the crystal city wall
And many are the dreams that fall in archipelagos
-------------------
you rhyme so divine my dear ...
this is such a cool poem
such creative imagery
and unique vocabulary choices
such depth as well.
very cool indeed my poetic queen  
take care sweet poet
jm

There are places inside our souls -
that have never been touched.
There are places inside our hearts -
that need to be loved this much.
~jm~

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
5 posted 2000-07-15 11:55 AM


Thank you for your comments.I don't honestly think this is very good, but I do apprecate all of your remarks,
Thank you
Liz

[This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (edited 07-15-2000).]

Yu Lan
Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462
New Zealand
6 posted 2000-07-15 07:44 PM


an interesting read.. this is good, Liz.. but I think u r right, it isn't as good as most of your others.. not bad tho.. ^_^

All mah luv,

Lynne



[This message has been edited by Yu Lan (edited 07-15-2000).]

Lone Wolf
Member Ascendant
since 2000-03-16
Posts 5842
Lansing, MI USA
7 posted 2000-07-15 09:26 PM


Liz,

Unusual style here for you, but I like it.  If he really loves you, he will always wait.  Nice writing.  

LW


Poetry should surprise by fine excess...it should strike the reader as a wording of his own highest thoughts and appear almost a remembrance. -J.Keats

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
8 posted 2000-07-15 09:40 PM


It's a very difficult style but you performed it admirably. Nice work, Elizabeth  
Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
9 posted 2000-07-15 09:56 PM


Boy, I know I have friends when you are complimenting THIS poem. It really stinks. But you don't have to say, Liz, this stinks. Just say, "Liz, nice read", and I'll know exactly what you meant . Does everthing we write have to be good? NO. But I write a poem evry morning and this is what came out this way. Sorry about that. Now don't forget, "Nice read, LIz" will do just fine. And thank you so much for getting through this one and for commenting.
This forum gives me a lot of laughs sometimes. And Yu Lan thanks for being honest. hehe
But this poem really stinks.
LOve ya
Liz

Trew
Member
since 2000-06-10
Posts 365
Ottawa, Canada
10 posted 2000-07-15 10:00 PM


Not very good?  Hmm... guess it shows my inexperience.  I like it!
Beauty, I suppose, is in the eye of the beholder.  I thought it a very skilled poem, with some great images.

Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

11 posted 2000-07-15 10:31 PM


Stinks? You're being a bit hard on yourself, Elizabeth. I, too, enjoyed this. You ask questions that aren't easy to answer and that I'm sure most of us have asked ourselves at one time or another. And I think you've done so beautifully!

Denise

Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

12 posted 2000-07-15 10:36 PM


whats this I see...Ms Liz is disputing MY
poetic eye....no no no this wont do ...
I have a reputation to uphold here my dear poetic queen ...I do not give frivolous
replies...I do not "fib" on poetry...
it is sacred ground...
bad Karma will happen  
so perhaps I need to make my case...
AHEM ... *pulling out trusty cut and paste magic wand* ...

"The thought of one more lovers dance
Your lonely heart would beg the chance
For one soul in the night perchance to listen to your song
A face that you can recognize
With depth of spirit in his eyes
A face that you had well apprised in secret all along<<<<<

this verse is perfect...look at that
rhyme and then feel the sensuality of the
emotions in it...
YOU KNOW how I LOVE sensuality in a poem..
>>>>>>

A dream that he would feel the same
And gently whisper out your name
A voice that without warning came from out of long ago
You are but just an isle atoll
Within the crystal city wall
And many are the dreams that fall in archipelagos" <<<

now this verse is awesome...
any poem that has the word whisper gets to me..
and ANY time I have to go get a dictionary and learn a new word...the poem gets extra credit....

SO...to answer your question..
NO we dont always write our best poetry
and yes this is a different type of poem for you..different subject matter...
BUT it still is a well written poem and
has very cool imagery and rhyme and as the person above said Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and THIS beholder LIKES the view
from where shes sitting..
OKAY....OKAY...
class dismissed...
and now off to worship more poems  
and Lizzie...
me loves ya...
smile for me OKAY      
later poet-queen-gator
jm



There are places inside our souls -
that have never been touched.
There are places inside our hearts -
that need to be loved this much.
~jm~

LoveBug
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697

13 posted 2000-07-15 11:28 PM


Liz, this is wonderful! I especally love the structure of this poem. Only a great poet could pull that off. And great you are, my friend.  

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -Oscar Wilde
"The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief" -Shakespea

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
14 posted 2000-07-16 03:25 PM


Liz,

I think you just are being too harsh on yourself...

Remember each poem is never a masterpiece, and of late you have been creating a lot of them with a penchant of doing so... Now this one might not measure up to those... but as I might add, this poem doesnot take of the same subject or in the same style of presentation... I ditto Janet on this that the rhyme, and the words are well present... and it is as always an enjoyable read...

so you might have to take your words back a bit...
stinks definitely not...
A Picasso or a Rembrandt... also not...
A good poem certainly yes....


Cheer up my friend,
regards,
sudhir

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