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Silkdragon
Member

since 2000-06-24

Posts 65

0 posted 2000-07-14 11:28 PM

Well, this is my first post in poetry, so tell me what I'm doing wrong and how I can change... LOL

The world is black, a continual night.
There is no life to catch my eye;
When I look, I see only darkness
And through my spirit blows a frozen wind.
People speak, they laugh and smile,
But her voice is the only one to reach my ears.
The soft echoes of her whispers tremble through my being,
And I yearn for her, but she has gone.
And I have failed her.
Her blood is on my hands, it drips through my fingers.
The innocence of my youth has been stained red.
Yet there are no tears; my eyes are empty.
My soul is a barren snow field, there is no warmth within.
And the world cries to me, calls me to life.
It reaches out its hands to me.
But I am unworthy; I do not listen.
I turn my back.

My heart is dead.

Alwye

Moderator

Member Elite

since 1999-06-16

Posts 3850
In the space between moments

1 posted 2000-07-14 11:35 PM

Extremely powerful and heartwrenching words, my friend. I like the darkness and the freeverse form flows well also! Keep on writing poetry, you've got talent!

*Krista Knutson*

"We are not seperate from spirit, we are in it." ~Plotinus~

Dawn Eclipse
Senior Member

since 2000-01-31

Posts 637
The Horsehead Nebula

2 posted 2000-07-14 11:35 PM

Erin, that poem was great! I don't think anything is wrong, nor anything should be changed! Post much more, I loved it!

"The universe is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper."
Eden Phillpotts
*Cassandra Roseen*

ma miller
Senior Member

since 2000-07-11

Posts 806

3 posted 2000-07-14 11:36 PM

silkdragon,

H
  e
   a
    v
     y ... (but well put) ...

good start ...

Ruby dagger
Member

since 1999-08-01

Posts 76
Wyoming, MN, U.S.A

4 posted 2000-07-14 11:44 PM

I still love this poem. I love how you have descibed his pain, his despair. Wonderful job.

Luv

Kelly

"At the right time and place, a question was more deadly than any sword." -Mercedes Lackey

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

5 posted 2000-07-14 11:44 PM

my goodness this lovely dark piece
has so much imagery and emotion.
very well expressed emotions Silkdragon
welcome to the poetry forum.
take care
jm

There are places inside our souls -
that have never been touched.
There are places inside our hearts -
that need to be loved this much.
~jm~

spiked
Senior Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 873
Hammond, La USA

6 posted 2000-07-14 11:49 PM

Pain can sometimes let us know how alive we are.
Very well done Dark.
Keep up the great writing
Rich

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

7 posted 2000-07-15 12:36 PM

This is a wonderful piece! Your first poem, you say? It's magnificant! I hope we'll see lots more after this!

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -Oscar Wilde
"The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief" -Shakespea

Dusk Treader

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-06-18

Posts 1187
St. Paul, MN

8 posted 2000-07-15 01:04 AM

Ah, I loved this poem the first time I read it and I still like it now. I enjoyed the dark air you conjured but as I'm not skilled in poetry I can't offer advice, but I must say I did enjoy this one much.

Abrahm Simons

"Keep on dreamin' boy 'cause when you stop dreaming it's time to die" - Blind Melon

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