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Open Poetry #8
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allan
Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620
On the road

0 posted 2000-07-14 03:09 PM


winsome following on in the same style
she sat mute but ready
he glanced at her as he arrived in the rain
sounds reached her but her mind was elsewhere

under the cherry tree
in windy august
tickling jennifers feet with a leaf of grass
and thunder cracked overhead
transparent tears of rain
on her long white dress
as she ran to the pavilion
jack was already there and smiling through
his blond hair hanging down his wicked face

long gone days far away in the
summer mind
waiting days
lost behind lace curtains
when the grass is so silent
seems eternal like a song in the mind
through a day soft as lace

© Copyright 2000 Allan Tierney - All Rights Reserved
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

1 posted 2000-07-14 03:15 PM


beautiful alan---again, that impressionistic style...like wispery feathered brushstrokes of words...gave me a "Great Gatsby" feeling--laugh if ya want, I can't hear you...grin.
Just lovely.

allan
Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620
On the road
2 posted 2000-07-14 03:19 PM


another experiment to see if i could just flow something without edit - ran for about 1 min - to me it reads a bit soap-opera-ey but I'm glad you like it!    

Allan
  

I edited an uggh! out of this - so now it's back!



[This message has been edited by allan (edited 07-14-2000).]
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

3 posted 2000-07-14 03:22 PM


I hate to admit this, but sometimes life is a bit soap-opery!!!   LOL..I still like it...

(I've got an edit button too...ROFL...now cut that out!!! here's winkin' atchya!)

[This message has been edited by serenity (edited 07-14-2000).]

ma miller
Senior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 806

4 posted 2000-07-14 03:26 PM


I like it too, Allan ... Don't you ever surprise yourself? ... It does have a "Gatsby" tone ... Thanks for that thought, serenity ... Nice work Allan ...
allan
Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620
On the road
5 posted 2000-07-14 03:29 PM


I don't surprise my self enough - that's my main problem!

Thanks both!  

Mark Bohannan
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269
In the winds of Cherokee song
6 posted 2000-07-14 03:29 PM


Count me in for beautiful.  Great read.
allan
Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620
On the road
7 posted 2000-07-14 03:31 PM


Thanks Mark... Nice of you...  
lotharingia
Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897
saarbruecken, Germany
8 posted 2000-07-15 06:28 AM


Ah. I know what you mean – those cheesy blurred flashbacks you get in soap operas when people are feeling nostalgic?? (so you watch soap operas, do you   )
But I don’t really think this is like that, Allan   It reads very smoothly (and now my mouse is on strike!) and the words are, indeed beautiful. You create a dreamy imagery, snapshots of days gone by, lacking the detail of now, and hence hinting at emotions felt without spelling them out. I suppose it’s impossible to write something like this without it seeming a bit tacky, but nostalgia is tacky, so what? Here I go again, have you noticed that I have a tendency to ramble  
Anyway, I like it. Bet you can’t write anything that isn’t good  


Lotharingia
"For God's sake, he's a poet. Poets are meant to feel miserable. Otherwise, what the hell are they here for? What are they going to write about?"
Tom Holland


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