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Open Poetry #8
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The Poetry Reading....OMG! free verse from the Balladeer!
| Open Poetry #8 |
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The Poetry Reading....OMG! free verse from the Balladeer! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA 
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( inspired by a poetry reading I attended today) The poetry reading had begun. Prim ladies dressed in proper attire light blue or yellow dresses hair tied neatly in buns just the right amount of jewelry stopping just short of flashy fingernails manicured expertly painted sitting atop blue-veined backhands rouge evenly applied reading poems of butterflies and lost loves to men attired in three-piece suits Giovanni ties hair combed over from side to side in vain attempt to make one long hair cover the entire head shoes brightly polished over black silk stockings Rolex keeping time with the rythym of the poem. I sat. My time machine mind traveling back thirty years transforming the speaker into a sandal-footed long hair to waist skirt down to ankles fingering love beads broad-rimmed glasses sitting atop upturned nose child of the 60's Virginia Slims cigarette (you've come a long way, baby) dangling from blue-painted fingers Gloria Steinham style. Butterfly poem transformed into make love - not war ban the bomb equal rights for all hell no...we won't go fist militarily raised two fingers V'd in defiance 'No Vietnamese ever called me nigger' Attitude behind blazing eyes foot-stomping fist-banging child of the times looking for Mr. Goodbar and Joe Dimaggio. At the exit she noticed me sockless tonged feet patched blue-jean shorts under raggedy Iron Butterfly t-shirt (in a gadda-da-vida baby) long, uncombed hair rabble-rousing rhetoric swirling about my head like an angry cloud hiding a beater-than-thou attitude. We shook hands muttered "Nice poem" and for just a brief second the daughter of Aquarius and Allen Ginsberg made time stand still. [This message has been edited by Balladeer (edited 06-10-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Lost Dreamer Member Elite
since 1999-06-20
Posts 2464Somewhere near the Rainbow |
Sir Balladeer, This is totally awesome, I love it.  |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
I totally agree,you should do this more often! Doc |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
I think i've quoted almost the whole poem here below... michael... you are a natural for free verse... this is excellent imagery along with a hard smack of truth YES!! and goddmammit... this is really really really good, m'friend... you have painted a picture with your words, vividly, concisely, succinctly.... and i was just there with you as i read it... you are a gifted poet... you can do the genres... all of them... in style...  -doreen these lines below were particularly fascinating and engaging...! "fingernails manicured expertly painted sitting atop blue-veined backhands rouge evenly applied" "Rolex keeping time with the rythym of the poem." "hair combed over from side to side in vain attempt to make one long hair cover the entire head" "'No Vietnamese ever called me nigger' Attitude behind blazing eyes foot-stompiong fist-banging child of the times looking for Mr. Goodbar and Joe Dimaggio." "At the exit she noticed me sockless tonged feet patched blue-jean shorts under raggedy Iron Butterfly t-shirt (in a gadda-da-vida baby) long, uncombed hair rabble-rousing rhetoric swirling about my head like an angry cloud hiding a beater-than-thou attitude." |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Balladeer~ Everything you write is fantastic ! I applaud this one. My stars ! Won't Kamla be tickled ? It is positively marvelously done. 'for just a brief second the daughter of Aquarius and Allen Ginsberg made time stand still' Perfect ending ! Love ya' ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ noles1@totcon.com |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Incredibly well penned Baladeer ... so full of imagery, I feel like I was there. A little "too" real, for I fear I now have the tune "this is the dawning of the age of Aquarious ...." stuck and rolling about my head!) Really well done! Best wishes, /Kit |
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Butterflies_dont_cry Member Elite
since 2000-03-06
Posts 3733Michigan |
`Dear You shine well in any light, making the words dance upon a structured page or one that is Free Thank you for sharing this~ |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
I was hooked beginning to end. Vivid picture here, albeit in tie-dye. --Kess YOUR LIFE IS A TEST It is only a test ... If this were your Actual Life, you would have been given better instructions! |
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Jeffrey Carter
since 2000-04-08
Posts 2367State of constant confusion! |
Sir, You are a poetic GOD!!!!! All my love, Jeffrey I lie awake in a world filled with dreams, but dreams can be so real when you don't know you're asleep |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
YOU ROCK!!!!!!! need i say more *smile* awesome--YOU ARE later cool-poet-gator jm And it's good that I'm not angry, I just need to get over, I'm not angry, anymore Cry when you cry, run when you run, love when you love, represent the ashes that you leave behind ~MB20~ "What the caterpillar calls the end ... The world calls a butterfly" ~Lao Tze Tao~ ~Butterflies are meant to be free~ |
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First__Knight Senior Member
since 1999-11-08
Posts 678 |
Oh boy oh boy did I like this one.....Please share more It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. |
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X Angel Senior Member
since 1999-11-07
Posts 1521Oregon |
GRRR Now I see this post in the new forum rofl *sigh* Well 'Deer ya got yerself a post from me bout this lil FV attempt of yours....... look here in OP 8 eh? ~Heather |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I want to sincerely thank you all for your comments and encouragement. These are definitely untested waters for me and I don't feel too secure when straying from my familiar rhyming surroundings. I want to write free verse like LngJhn (of course, he happens to be trying to write rhyming poetry when he does it!) Oh, and Kess.....  TIE-DYE RULES!!! [This message has been edited by Balladeer (edited 06-11-2000).] |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
*sigh!* A balladeer of renowned talent! I love it. Tie dye and all.....  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
The imagery, the sound, the snapping of fingers, the coffee in the air, that smell in the air...that smell, what is that smell? Truly, 'Deer, I'm a "little" young but know whatof and whereof you speak... and I will certainly look forward to more forays into the world of Balladeer-Free-Verse... Hugs, Sunshine ~~~Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. Helen Keller ~~~ |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
Always a little uncomfy when we go into unchartered territory isn't it? But, you've done a fantastic job and you'd never know you weren't comfortable at writing free verse! Peace man!  Very well set in imagery, and it took us back. That Aquarius song is playing in my head too |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
No matter what form you write your poetry in, it is always excellent ! |
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SpitFire Member Elite
since 2000-04-19
Posts 2396 |
~Oh I loved this. Picked me right up and took me with it. Great job...great flow of thoughts....superbly done freestyle here. Keep 'em coming. Thanks for the read. Take care. *Peace. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thanks for sharing this...allowing me to experience it too...excellent!!! |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Awesome, I'd say one of your best, Balladeer. Corinne |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
Mike...DAMN!!!! For a first attempt, I am frankly amazed...this was awesome...and yeah, I'm old enough, barely, to not only catch but also to understand your imagery...WOW!!! Alicat, in awe of Balladeer |
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Andrew Scott Member Elite
since 1999-06-24
Posts 2558Redlands,CA,USA |
Yo Sir Balladeer... you are in the groove, if not its very essence. I must say that though your rhyme is the hippest in the land, freedom of verse becomes you. I was only six in the year of Woodstock, so I don't have much reference… but I remember watching the war and the protests on TV, and I'm very much into the sound of the era. You did a great job with this one and I could see the thing unfold through your words… a true mark of excellence. Really liked the way you ended it all. Peace Brother! PS… Dig the Ti-Di! |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
PIECE and LUV... my friend... You're awesome, of course...  |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
This shone brighter than Edison's light bulb and remember I was there, I've been around forever! You are a talented storyteller and that ain't no bull! Kathleen "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace." Elizabeth Barrett Browning |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Sheer Class, Balladeer... I am glad that I read this one... Regards, sudhir |
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Corazon Senior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 1209 |
well lol, I have been thinking of finding out about the poetry readings in the area, I hear this is the best way to promote home spun poetry...but now I am intimidated...lol...which one should I be, prim and proper in yellow or blue, or long hair, tie die crop top, and hip hugger jeans *g*....great poem |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Hoo-ha I could feel the beat feel the rhythm feel the feel (whoa man) "in-a-gadda-da-vida baby" Balladeer. This is incredible. It felt like a whirlwind of sensory input rushing through my eyes, into my mind. Despite being out of your normal environs, I'd say you made a masterful showing. Bravo m'man, I stand in awe. Chris |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
I was so caught up in the story and rhythm that I forgot it was free verse, I was just thinking, "Wow!" This is excellently done, Balladeer. MORE, MORE!! Denise |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Again, I cannot thank you people enough. What a group! PEACE TO ALL! |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Balladeer my dear friend....I can only make one suggestion on this one....please do write more free verse, this is excellent |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Errrrr...am I too late 'deer? Ahem...well...here I am anyway...lol And may I just say that I am sitting here thinking WOW! And I have a request my friend...MORE In fact - you can choose to see that as an order if you like...if not - then I shall *ah! you and you wouldn't like that would you? Seriously Michael - this is awesome - it has flow, clarity and an atmosphere in a freeverse poem to kill for. hugs K[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 07-01-2000).] |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Hey man...peace and love to you and, you know...far out! You are just tooo grovey! Great free verse, deer...now make some more!! |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
I found myself laughing all the way through this one, your lines were so perfect, and captured the times, the expressions, the gestures of a wild decade, and sometimes the rediculousness (?) of then and now, and you captured that too, and that's what made me laugh. But now I must bow again to a superb piece of poetry, I should say, to the poet. You are amazing. Liz |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
"in-a-gadda-da-vida baby"  Yup it's yours! LOL, only hippy I could find. Is there no end to your talent, now I have to hunt all the free verse you did, as this sure floored me (with the imagery and talent!) Great stuff this. The archives are full of the greatest stuff, just incredible reading. |
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TomMark Member Elite
since 2007-07-27
Posts 2133LA,CA |
Ha ha ha ha ha free verse so tied up by your classical rules a wonderful try though  |
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Bob K Member Elite
since 2007-11-03
Posts 4208 |
Dear Balladeer. This seems exceptional stuff. I need time to look at it more closely, but I do have some early thoughts. i Hope you find them of some use. First, One of the things that many of the writes on this site have trouble with is keeping things concrete. I was absolutely thrilled to see in this poem you keep things very concrete indeed. The poem is filled with objects and people in great detail. You are extraordinarily good with visual detail. You have trouble in dealing with the flashback; getting into it is a bit awkward, especially. I would try keeping the whole poem in present tense. When it comes time for the flashback, you might them try something on the order of Thirty years ago The speaker is sandal footed Brown hair to the waist Or whatever other color you want. If you say long hair to the waist, you're simply giving away space to offer another useful detail, the color; then, once you say "to the waist" the reader will have a chance to make up his or her own mind as to whether the hair is long or not. Playing with past and future tenses is something we can do in poetry when there's a great reason for it. Otherwise, most people experience the world as a "now" experience, and the shifts from future and past in the compressed space of a poem sometimes can be awkward. I'll bet you had some trouble over that flashback. Maybe not. Whatever works for you of course is best. I'd play with using the first line as the title and cutting it entirely from the text, starting with the second line. Stopping just short of flashy needs to be cut. It's a repeat of what's said in the line above it. Perhaps also, "Fingers expertly painted, Rouge evenly applied Atop blue-veined backhands" should that make any sense to you. I'd consider beginning the next stanza with "To men in three piece suits... In an attempt to make One hair cover the entire head... They read poems of butterflies And lost loves. The elipses are to suggest the text between as written, not an excission of that text. The point of shifting the women reading the poems to the end is not to lose them, and to give a sense of the male ego they are trying to deal with here. Anyway, that's about as far as I can go this evening. If you find it useful, I give it another shot try tomorrow or so. I like this one a lot. I'm glad you've been experimenting with this stuff since 2000. The problem with free verse is always for me, without the structure, how do you know when you're done, how do you go about building your own sense of closure and how do you find the thread to carry you through, beginning to end. What about you, Balladeer? Affectionately, BobK. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Bob, I thank you. I have very limited time right now but I want to study your corrections and thoughts in detail. I will be the first to say I am a fish out of water with regards to free verse and I welcome your advice. Have a good evening. |
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