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Passions in Poetry

The Poetry Reading....OMG! free verse from the Balladeer!

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Corazon
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 1301


25 posted 06-12-2000 09:57 AM       View Profile for Corazon   Email Corazon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Corazon

well lol, I have been thinking of finding out about the poetry readings in the area, I hear this is the best way to promote home spun poetry...but now  I am intimidated...lol...which one should I be, prim and proper in yellow or blue, or long hair, tie die crop top, and hip hugger jeans *g*....great poem
Christopher
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Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


26 posted 06-12-2000 07:58 PM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

Hoo-ha
I could feel the beat
feel the rhythm
feel the feel
(whoa man)

"in-a-gadda-da-vida baby"

Balladeer. This is incredible. It felt like a whirlwind of sensory input rushing through my eyes, into my mind.  Despite being out of your normal environs, I'd say you made a masterful showing.

Bravo m'man, I stand in awe.

Chris
Denise
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Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
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27 posted 06-12-2000 08:54 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

I was so caught up in the story and rhythm that I forgot it was free verse, I was just thinking, "Wow!" This is excellently done, Balladeer. MORE, MORE!!  

Denise
Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


28 posted 06-12-2000 08:57 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Again, I cannot thank you people enough. What a group! PEACE TO ALL!
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


29 posted 06-13-2000 10:55 AM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Balladeer my dear friend....I can only make one suggestion on this one....please do write more free verse, this is excellent  
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


30 posted 07-01-2000 09:20 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Errrrr...am I too late 'deer?

Ahem...well...here I am anyway...lol

And may I just say that I am sitting here thinking WOW!

And I have a request my friend...MORE

In fact - you can choose to see that as an order if you like...if not - then I shall *ah! you and you wouldn't like that would you?

Seriously Michael - this is awesome - it has flow, clarity and an atmosphere in a freeverse poem to kill for.

hugs
  K




[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 07-01-2000).]
Martie
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since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


31 posted 07-01-2000 09:40 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

Hey man...peace and love to you and, you know...far out!  You are just tooo grovey!

Great free verse, deer...now make some more!!
Elizabeth Santos
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since 11-08-1999
Posts 9405
Pennsylvania


32 posted 07-01-2000 10:01 PM       View Profile for Elizabeth Santos   Email Elizabeth Santos   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Elizabeth Santos

I found myself laughing all the way through this one, your lines were so perfect, and captured the times, the expressions, the gestures of a wild decade, and sometimes the rediculousness (?) of then and now, and you captured that too, and that's what made me laugh. But now I must bow again to a superb piece of poetry, I should say, to the poet.
You are amazing.
Liz
Mysteria
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since 03-07-2001
Posts 19652
British Columbia, Canada


33 posted 06-06-2005 09:11 PM       View Profile for Mysteria   Email Mysteria   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mysteria

"in-a-gadda-da-vida baby"

Yup it's yours! LOL, only hippy I could find.  Is there no end to your talent, now I have to hunt all the free verse you did, as this sure floored me (with the imagery and talent!)  Great stuff this.

The archives are full of the greatest stuff, just incredible reading.
TomMark
Member Elite
since 07-27-2007
Posts 2111
LA,CA


34 posted 01-13-2008 12:20 AM       View Profile for TomMark   Email TomMark   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TomMark

Ha ha ha ha ha
free verse so tied up by your classical rules

a  wonderful try though
Bob K
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since 11-03-2007
Posts 3860


35 posted 01-14-2008 01:21 AM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K

Dear Balladeer.

         This seems exceptional stuff.  I need time to look at it more closely, but I do have some early thoughts.  i Hope you find them of some use.

     First, One of the things that many of the writes on this site have trouble with is keeping things concrete.  I was absolutely thrilled to see in this poem you keep things very concrete indeed.  The poem is filled with objects and people in great detail.  You are extraordinarily good with visual detail.  

     You have trouble in dealing with the flashback; getting into it is a bit awkward, especially.  I would try keeping the whole poem in present tense.  When it comes time for the flashback, you might them try something on the order of

Thirty years ago
The speaker is sandal footed
Brown hair to the waist

Or whatever other color you want.  If you say long hair to the waist, you're simply giving away space to offer another useful detail, the color; then, once you say "to the waist" the reader will have a chance to make up his or her own mind as to whether the hair is long or not.  Playing with past and future tenses is something we can do in poetry when there's a great reason for it.  Otherwise, most people experience the world as a "now" experience, and the shifts from future and past in the compressed space of a poem sometimes can be awkward.  I'll bet you had some trouble over that flashback.  Maybe not.  Whatever works for you of course is best.

     I'd play with using the first line as the title and cutting it entirely from the text, starting with the second line.  Stopping just short of flashy needs to be cut.  It's a repeat of what's said in the line above it.  Perhaps also,

"Fingers expertly painted,
Rouge evenly applied
Atop blue-veined backhands"    

should that make any sense to you.

     I'd consider beginning the next stanza with

"To men in three piece suits...


In an attempt to make
One hair cover the entire head...

They read poems of butterflies
And lost loves.

     The elipses are to suggest the text between as written, not an excission of that text.  The point of shifting the women reading the poems to the end is not to lose them, and to give a sense of the male ego they are trying to deal with here.

     Anyway, that's about as far as I can go this evening.  If you find it useful, I give it another shot try tomorrow or so.  I like this one a lot.  I'm glad you've been experimenting with this stuff since 2000.  The problem with free verse is always for me, without the structure, how do you know when you're done, how do you go about building your own sense of closure and how do you find the thread to carry you through, beginning to end.  What about you, Balladeer?  Affectionately, BobK.
Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


36 posted 01-14-2008 06:45 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Bob, I thank you. I have very limited time right now but I want to study your corrections and thoughts in detail.

I will be the first to say I am a fish out of water with regards to free verse and I welcome your advice.

Have a good evening.
 
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