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Swan
| Teen Poetry #3 |
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Swan |
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StrawberryShortcake New Member
since 2000-09-09
Posts 3canada |
Okay, I want your honest opinions. Does this make sense? Is it really good? do you think there is anything i should change? Tell me the truth! Swan Lost is my heart and part of my soul, My life is so shattered, my emotions are cold. The core of my life is hidden so well, Surrounded by layers of personal hell. Secrets and dreams kept in seclusion, My existence is no more than a simple illusion. To have been noticed in this world and appreciated, Would have given me a life less isolated. They think that they really understand my feelings, But none of them see the real pain Im conceiling. Too occupied with their own, to care about me, I'll wait until they fail, then I will succeed. I'd rather be liked for more that appearance, Like my talents, my courage, or being so fearless. Im hoping one day, they will open their eyes, The'll see my true beauty, my beauty inside. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Rachel Leeman - All Rights Reserved | |||
LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
"I'd rather be liked for more that appearance, Like my talents, my courage, or being so fearless. Im hoping one day, they will open their eyes, The'll see my true beauty, my beauty inside." Wow... this is a great piece! I can't wait to see more! Keep up the great work!< !signature--> If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a diffrent drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away"-Throeau [This message has been edited by LoveBug (edited 09-09-2000).] |
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Lani_DarkOne Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 152UK |
It makes a whole lot of sense to me..coz I relate to it 100%..  ..This is such a brilliant poem...keep posting..i look forward to seeing more of your work..  "Controlling my feelings for too long.... And forcing our darkest souls to unfold... And pushing us into self-destruction...." *~Muse*~ |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Yes, this is a truly good poem. So don't even worry. The only thing i can see are some grammar issues but thats about it. I am not good at grammar at all, i'm just saying. Anyway yea keep posting!  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Suberb piece of work. Don't you just love it when a poem pops out of the screen and speaks directly to your soul? That's what this one did. As for the spelling\grammar (which I am a nut about) it doesn't take away from the message of the poem, which is good. A few tweaks here and there and perfection may be accomplished. Once again, good work. ~carly Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. |
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Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
I forgot to mention one thing. You were describing me in that poem...all those thoughts I read have been existing in my own mind for ages... ~carly Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. |
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