Moving Along the Darkness - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Professor Gloom
Member Elite

since 2000-07-23

Posts 3082
of Depression

0 posted 2000-08-25 02:34 PM

The Shadows of forgiveness,
Wasn’t there;
With actions very thoughtless,
No passerby would pause there,
They didn’t care,
Not a glance and not a stare;
Moving along the darkness
In despair;
Searching vainly for brightness.

Corners fill,
Discarded reality;
Sewers swill.

Paper home,
Torn and bored society;
Of the lone.

Pennies in the gutters found,
Sad riches,
For the ones so poorly bound;
Snatching bottle half drunken,
Lost wishes,
Lost of dreams yet unspoken;
Sleeping on stairway’s hardness,
Soul trashes
Moving along the darkness.

Three pennies
And then found three pennies more,
Bright shiny.

Then arrives
At the bakeries back door,
Stays alive.

Riches for stale bread trading,
Nibbles slight,
Caught in endless foreboding,
Huddles in corners darkness,
Out of sight,
Shadows cut shows the starkness;
Moving Along the Darkness
Out from sight,
Walking unknown toward brightness.

With nibble,
And stolen bottle to sip,
Now able.
To journey
Backwards and forwards the trip,
Memory.

Gloom

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

1 posted 2000-08-25 05:30 PM

This is marvellous. What a well-described trip in the life of the "unfortunate." Memories... sometiems the only obejects left to own. Powerful they are, both good and bad. This realy impressed me. I've read several of your poems and really enjoy the manner you portray them as well as the power you do so with.

If I may, a tiny suggestion (based on the assumption that I didn't misread somewhere)

The Shadows of forgiveness,
Wasn’t there...

If "Shadows" is the the object, then perhaps you could consider changing "Wasn't" to "Weren't"

Deranger
Member

since 2000-05-10

Posts 498
Somewhere, between here and there

2 posted 2000-08-25 07:38 PM

Bravo, you’ve captured the essence of the lost and lied to.

----------------------
Spreading insanity, one post at a time

Isis
Member Ascendant

since 1999-09-06

Posts 6296
Sunny Queensland

3 posted 2000-08-25 11:51 PM

Applause!! Such a moving tribute to the lost and forgotten, and it could be set in old times or present. Wonderful work!!

*Our deeds travel with us from afar, and what we have been makes us what we are..*
~Isis~Goddess~~Sovereign of the Spirit~

Professor Gloom
Member Elite

since 2000-07-23

Posts 3082
of Depression

4 posted 2000-08-26 08:07 AM

Thank you, Christopher,
As for the “wasn’t” / “weren’t” this is not a matter of grammar,
But of the sounds when spoken,
The shadows of forgiveness just demands in my mind another ‘s’,
So I picked was over were,
Anyway, is Shadows of forgiveness plural or not?
I am pleased you enjoyed it.

Thank you, Deranger
I am pleased you enjoyed it.

Thank you, Isis
I wanted to focus on the person not the times,
Thank you for your response

Gloom

sonjes
Senior Member

since 2000-02-18

Posts 564
North Carolina

5 posted 2000-08-26 08:14 AM

how stirring! an extremely thought heavy work, PROF...
I enjoyed reading it for its originality.

Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence.
-Enigma

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

6 posted 2000-08-26 08:33 AM

Hey Gloom,
I felt the despair and the hunger, heard the insensitivity of the passers by and sensed the scurrying of rats close. Vivid poem.

Be well
Kethry

"It is the image in the mind that links us to lost treasures;
but it is the loss that shapes the image,
gathers the flowers weaves the garland."-

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.