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Passions in Poetry

Forgotten Observation of a Run-a-way Angel

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Effigy
Member
since 04-11-2000
Posts 490
Just sitting at the computer


0 posted 09-21-2000 01:33 PM       View Profile for Effigy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Effigy

Tonight itís raining in Atlanta,
yet she is out on the town.
With her sexy clothes on,
she is out on the prowl.

She made a few mistakes,
she had some hard times.
She forgot them all
as she crossed the lines.

Standing in the shadows
in the corner of the streets
She smokes the remains of innocence
and greets all that she meets.

You may have seen her
as you were passing her by
Clearly you never saw
that one mysterious guy.

He was standing in the ally
watching her as you went down the line.
He was standing in the ally,
waiting for his time to shine.

She never saw him coming
as he walked up from behind
She cried a little bit that night
as that man celebrated his find.

Surely you would have helped
if you had heard the scream.
Surely you would have awoken,
from your suburban dream.






[This message has been edited by Effigy (edited 09-21-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Effigy - All Rights Reserved
Effigy
Member
since 04-11-2000
Posts 490
Just sitting at the computer


1 posted 09-22-2000 11:38 AM       View Profile for Effigy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Effigy

This one kind of fell between the cracks so I'm sending it back around.
Butterflies_dont_cry
Member Elite
since 03-06-2000
Posts 3768
Michigan


2 posted 09-22-2000 11:42 AM       View Profile for Butterflies_dont_cry   Email Butterflies_dont_cry   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Butterflies_dont_cry

WOW!!!....heart pounding...this was
intense!!! You write with such power in
this...I wanted to scream for her!!!
The closing message within the weave was so
haunting....Excellent work!!
X Angel
Senior Member
since 11-07-1999
Posts 1592
Oregon


3 posted 09-22-2000 11:46 AM       View Profile for X Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for X Angel

wowsers!
poor girlie
Mark Bohannan
Member Rara Avis
since 06-21-2000
Posts 7338
In the winds of Cherokee song


4 posted 09-22-2000 11:50 AM       View Profile for Mark Bohannan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mark Bohannan

Damn....this one cries out in pain for her loudly and also serves as a wake-up all to
all of us to pay more attention.  Excellent read as your pen lays down some mighty powerful ink. I am glad you brought it back up as I would hated to have missed it.
Effigy
Member
since 04-11-2000
Posts 490
Just sitting at the computer


5 posted 09-22-2000 11:57 AM       View Profile for Effigy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Effigy

B.D.C.- thanks, I hope you didn't scream too loud.  

x angel- sad isn't it, but this kind of things happens more often then we like to admit.

Mark - Thanks for your comments. I am thrilled that you have enjoyed this.
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores


6 posted 09-23-2000 03:15 PM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

Effigy~
Oh, such a poignant tale.
It screams quietly ... not loud enough to be heard by those
who need to read this before they become a statistic.

Thoughtfully done.
~*Marge*~


~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com


forne_marin
Member
since 04-13-2004
Posts 140
Spartanburg, South Carolina


7 posted 05-04-2004 10:14 AM       View Profile for forne_marin   Email forne_marin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit forne_marin's Home Page   View IP for forne_marin

Wow. This one is strangely powerful. The message is very tight, but it could use some trimming.


In the second line, you need to drop the "is".  I loved the fact that you used Atlanta. I was expecting a totally different message, though.

In verse one, line four I'd change the "she is" to "she's".

The next verse I'd modify slightly...
Line 1 I'd change "She" to "She's"
Line 2 I'd change to "And fell on some hard times"
And line four I'd change to "...crossed all the lines"

Line 4 of verse three I'd change to
"while greeting all she meets."

Line 1 of verse 5 needs more syllables. Try "You perhaps may have seen her"
Line 2 you should drop "her"
In Line 3 the emphasis on "Clearly" doesn't work right. You have a trochee at the beginning of an iambic line. I think some kind of exclaimation would work really well there instead. If the poem wasn't so modern, I'd suggest, "But soft! You never saw". BUT--Like I said, your piece is too modern. Maybe "But why?" or "But look!". Your call.

Verse 6, line 2, I'd suggest changing to "Watching you go down the line".

Verse 7 line 3 I'd change to "She cried out as he took her"
Line 4 is too long. Try "Taking pleasure in his find"

Verse 8 is your punch. It's good right now, but it needs to be perfect. You can have a few rhythmical flakes in the rest of the piece, but you really need to clean the last verse up because it's youre punch.
I'd suggest the following:

Surely you would have helped her
if you had only heard her screams.
Surely you would have woken,
from your quaint suburban dream.

-----------------------

All and all, this is a very powerful and moving piece. It's not a subject I would have broached, but you did it with a great amount of class.

I believe the most important component of a poem is rhythm. Rhythm is the heartbeat of a poem. It is what makes poetry poetry.

 
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