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Open Poetry #9
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A Question of Heaven
| Open Poetry #9 |
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A Question of Heaven |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
A Question of Heaven Years ago as I faced my darkest hour I asked the question that lies within A question with consequences As great as any mortal sin I had recently been confirmed But pain I felt every day No god had come to help me No matter how I prayed Inside me grew a doubt And I asked that painful question Did God exist or was he just a myth? If wrong, in my future I saw no heaven So I weighed my every option And still came to no conclusion My Mother told me He was there But all I saw was confusion As I looked a lot harder At those who tried to sway me I saw nothing but contradiction And a mass of hypocrisy Then I turned to science And those who strove to learn They tried to prove their beliefs I found what I had yearned So then I turned my back On all I had been taught I alone found myself And God, I need him not. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Travis Welton - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Mistik: This is an interesting and unfortunate theme. I know this is not a critical forum but, with your permission, I would like to offer some suggestions to you on your meter (rhythm). No pressure. Just email me if you are interested. Jim |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
I would appreciate that greatly jbouder. My poetry isnt what it used to be. Months of not writing any have weakened what feeble skills I had to begin with. This is the closest thing to decent I have put out in a long time.  |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Mistik: Thanks for the invitation to offer a more detailed opinion of your piece. If I have overstepped my bounds I apologize … just let me know if I have and I will edit out my reply. And, by the way ... I wouldn't call your skills feeble ... I simply think you could channel your energies a little bit to strengthen the effectiveness of this poem. First, it is impossible to make your rhymes work without some sort of regulated meter. I would suggest that you begin by reading the poem aloud to yourself. It would actually be easier for you to drop the rhyme and approach your subject with a free-verse format. Learning to hear a variation in meter does not take any special gift … it just takes practice. I would be happy to provide you with some exercises to help you develop the skill. Second, it is important to pay close attention to the manner in which you theme develops. There are two ways that I would suggest you consider in approaching this subject: (1) either explode into the theme with a defiant statement (“I don’t need God”, for example) and then go back to gradually fill in the details until, finally, you end the poem with a surprising or unexpected twist, or (2) take your time in clueing the reader in … don’t be overly concerned that the reader “gets” what you are writing … a good reader will appreciate the energy that is required of him/her to interpret and absorb the poem. Now for some details … “Years ago as I faced my darkest hour I asked the question that lies within A question with consequences As great as any mortal sin” The first stanza seems a little overstated and melodramatic. I do not intend to minimize the impact of the questions you are about to ask, but overstatement tends to trivialize the complexity of the emotions you are experiencing. Don’t tell us that you are facing your darkest hour, explain the feelings that accompany your experiences. This, I think, would strengthen the impact substancially. Again, because the meter is inconsistent, the rhyme is not flowing naturally. I suggest that you drop the rhyme and focus your energies on sentence structure. “I had recently been confirmed But pain I felt every day No god had come to help me No matter how I prayed” Rather than telling us you were confirmed, allude to the confirmation ceremony … perhaps mention some or part of the substance of the creed (“I believe…”) that you were required to recite and contrast it with your present doubt. “Inside me grew a doubt And I asked that painful question Did God exist or was he just a myth? If wrong, in my future I saw no heaven” Describe the growth of doubt … the thoughts and feelings that accompanied the growth of the doubt. Remember, an important goal in writing a poem is to allow the reader to feel what you are feeling either by vivid description, visual appearance of the lines, sound of the words, structure of the sentences and phrases (syntax) and/or any number of other tools at the poet’s disposal. “So I weighed my every option And still came to no conclusion My Mother told me He was there But all I saw was confusion” Again, the descriptiveness is too vague. What options did you weigh? What prevented you from drawing a conclusion? What information did you lack that prevented you from drawing a conclusion? How does the reader know that the information you lack even justifies the feelings your are saying you’ve experienced? This is the sort of information that the reader might need to identify with your situation. Consider focusing on the substance of your confusion (what is so confusing) and the futility of your options. “As I looked a lot harder At those who tried to sway me I saw nothing but contradiction And a mass of hypocrisy” Again, without details the reader is not swayed by the accusations of hypocrisy. Consider providing examples of hypocrisy … or perhaps entertain the possibility that you are holding them to an impossible standard. In either case, it is important to continue building tension in the piece. A good poem builds tension, drawing the reader in and then hits them with a strong turn of theme or conclusion. “Then I turned to science And those who strove to learn They tried to prove their beliefs I found what I had yearned” Just a reminder that the rhyme continues to be strained. In my opinion you have an a very workable and interesting turn here but because I don’t think you have done as much as you could have to build tension in the previous lines, it loses much of its punch. “So then I turned my back On all I had been taught I alone found myself And God, I need him not.” I think if you relieved yourself of the yoke of the rhyme scheme you would be able to reword the final line to read more powerfully than “And God, I need him not” (unless, of course, you have intended to convey the weakness of resolve that your final line conveys). If you are trying to offer a strong declaration of independence from God, I would suggest that you word the last line differently. If you want to communicate continued indecision, perhaps the last line is good. Again, if I've overstepped my bounds, feel free to tell me so. I hope I have been of some help. Jim |
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Mistikman Senior Member
since 2000-01-10
Posts 682San Jose, CA, USA |
Thank you for the rather in depth analysis of my poem jbouder. I shall take your words into consideration, and shall attempt a rewrite of this poem. I really appreciate how you tell me what should be changed, but dont put words into my mouth  I didnt think anyone really cared about the thoughts of an atheist in these forums. Thank you for proving me wrong |
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