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Open Poetry #9
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Seven Scents of Ur
| Open Poetry #9 |
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Seven Scents of Ur |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
My good friend in Paducah, Kentucky sent me a phrase to write a poem around...it is "he breathed in the Seven Scents of Ur"...I'm not very happy with the result, but here it is: He stood quietly among the slaves Clad only in threadbare jeans One of Earth’s captured heroes In the worst war he’d ever seen Around him gathered the captors Strange Aliens dressed in silver floss Pushing and shoving the survivors Now stunned and shocked at the loss He was shipped to a foreign planet As slave bounty from a lost war Forced to lower his eyes to serve With no hope to even the score One day he saw the Alien’s Queen Majestic in a gown of pure gold He watched bemused as she passed Her name was Ur he was told Her eyes pierced into his heart So bright and glittering green Lips so full they begged for a kiss They were the sweetest he’d ever seen She marched past him not seeing His human man’s look of lust But walked quickly down the road Leaving him in her dust He saw her every day that way As she strolled among the throng His fellow humans hated her He loved her but knew it was wrong. She stopped one day before him Gave the signal for him to follow Then took him to her encampment In a simple wooded hollow She spoke to him in foreign tongue And paced proudly before his eyes He knew she noticed how he watched As her garment caressed her thighs She leaned closer to his face to see What manner of slave he would be A scent so sweet assailed his nose He vowed to have her when he was free And every day she bent down to him He breathed in the Seven Scents of Ur Addicted now to her essence of rose, Frankincense, lavender and myrrh |
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| © Copyright 2000 Poet deVine - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Very creative, Sharon. You've got quite an imagination! Denise |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
WOW Sharon, this one had me captured from beginning to end, and the imagery incredible. Excellent Sharon !  |
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Mike Member Elite
since 1999-06-19
Posts 2462 |
Enjoyed the tale... and then you even threw in a rose at the end... woman of my heart... *smile* wonderful poetry. |
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Lone Wolf Member Ascendant
since 2000-03-16
Posts 5842Lansing, MI USA |
I think you did a fine job here!! Wonderful story you have told. I enjoyed it.  Lone Wolf Poetry should surprise by fine excess...it should strike the reader as a wording of his own highest thoughts and appear almost a remembrance. -J.Keats |
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Alle'cram Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816Texas |
OOOhhh!! I do LOVE this!! ~Captivating~Romantic~Sensual~ Love, Marcy |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I must be missing what you don't care for - wish to expound on that and point me in the direction of your dislike? I can't find anything wrong with it, and you know I'd say so if I did... |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Thank you for your kind comments..I guess I felt I had to reach for a poem to write AROUND the phrase and it feels forced to me.. |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Given what you were given to work with I think you did an admirable job with it. |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Admirable is precisely the first word that came, because I was thinking what I could have done with the phrase... not much I must admit... that's exactly why your name starts with "Poet" and you are a divine one at that... WELL DONE POEM here ... but I can undestand why it doesn't please you as much as it should have... a perfectionist and a poet... difficult to please... and quite humble ... a complete combination... regards, sudhir |
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LngJhnAg Member Elite
since 1999-07-23
Posts 3508Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion |
Sharon - This is a great story line - just one small question - what were the other three scents? Am I just about the densest guy you'd ever meet? I'll bet I am, because I missed it, didn't I? |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
rofl@long john..... oh my...  sharon you've done so well with this challenge -- let me up the ante... care to join a game of poker? I'm already in the game with 'The Ante is a Kiss' |
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English Rose Member
since 2000-08-20
Posts 211Berkshire, England |
A very captivating tale indeed! Sci-fi at it's best |
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Andrew Scott Member Elite
since 1999-06-24
Posts 2558Redlands,CA,USA |
Lady DeVine... you might wish to inform Sir Long John that earth's four is the equivalent of Ur's seven… it stems from the fact that Urins only have three fingers per hand. Ya, their math is a little screwy, but they sure do smell good. Given the challenge… I think you did a fine job of it. Peace! |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
Excellent deVine. . . Reminds me of the time that I visited Tharit. . . nice place. . . you should come with me next time!!! Superb. . . ------------------------------------------------------ That which gives light must endure burning --Victor Frankl |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Hi Poet deVine This is magnificent, what an imagination. A storied tale, well done. |
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