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Passions in Poetry

The Cows of Uganda....(no women with delicate natures allowed)

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Balladeer
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0 posted 08-17-2000 06:42 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer


(From my "There's always something to write a poem about" department, This article appeared in a Miami paper today....)


Canada's  largest  private   electric
company, TransAlta, signed  a  multi-
million-dollar deal with Global Live-
stock Group, a U.S. company,  to pro-
duce  a  feed  supplement  that  will
reduce cow flatulence in  Uganda.  If
successful,  a  TransAlta   spokesman
said, the decrease in methane gas - a
leading  cause  of  global  warming -
caused by cows  farting  and  burping
will be equivalent to 30 million tons
of carbon dioxide....................

The Cows of Uganda

TransAlta to the rescue, boys!
They're here to save the day
By stopping global warming in
A very special way.

It's those Uganda cows, you see
Creating havoc there
By flatulating wildly
Screwing up the ozone layer!!!  

That methane gas they're letting out
Is damaging the earth.
I always knew Uganda cows
Had questionable worth!

But flatulation is a way
Of "easing" things a bit
Like a teapot does whenever
It lets steam come out of it.

So, without the opportunity
Of lightening their load
It seems to me Uganda cows
Could very well explode!  

"Hey, Maude! My gawd, girl...look at that!
A flying bovine part!
Must be those danged Uganda cows
That ain't allowed to fart!!"

No need to go down to the store..
Just look up at the sky
Before long, some Uganda cow part
May come flying by!

But let's suppose, for argument,
That it does work - what then?
What if those same dumb scientists
Extend the plan - to men???

Life, as we know it to exist,
Would simply cease to be
If we were not allowed to let
One fly occasionally.

Some men make it a science....
It's almost Olympic sport!
Men pride themselves in knowing
They produce a loud retort.

Or what about the hunters
In the gray of early dawn
Who, after 15 cups, can feel
A good one coming on?

It's a call to Mother Nature
As it shatters dawn to bits!
(It's also very useful
If your duck call's on the fritz.)

I'm not for global warming
Or the problems it may bring
But I curse those darned Uganda cows
For starting this whole thing!!!  


    
© Copyright 2000 Michael Mack - All Rights Reserved
Mark Bohannan
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since 06-21-2000
Posts 7338
In the winds of Cherokee song


1 posted 08-17-2000 06:49 PM       View Profile for Mark Bohannan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mark Bohannan

ROFLMAO---seriously it took me 5 minutes to get through this thing.  I couldn't stop laughing and a laugh like that I needed soooooo much.  tears in my eyes from laughing so hard I have to say.  Thank you thank you thank you so much for making my day.  Wonderful way to bring this subject into the light in your not so graceful way.

still lmao
ethome
Member Patricius
since 05-14-2000
Posts 11545
New Brunswick Canada


2 posted 08-17-2000 06:54 PM       View Profile for ethome   Email ethome   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit ethome's Home Page   View IP for ethome

You know I love the humour here but I also like the truth that you are bringing to the fore...some things are so ridiculous...only the time taken by a poet can expose some of the sadness that's making me laugh.... some have a lot to do with their time.....great work Balladeer I'm glad you hit on it.
Andrew Scott
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since 06-24-99
Posts 2655
Redlands,CA,USA


3 posted 08-17-2000 07:17 PM       View Profile for Andrew Scott   Email Andrew Scott   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Andrew Scott

TO DAMN FUNNY!!! Isn't it just amazing what we, as humans perceive to be serious problems in this world?  Never mind the homelessness, the starvation and ethnic cleansing of the world... we got Ugandan cows with to much gas!  What I really think we should be working on is a means of harnessing that gas and building autos that can use it as an alternative fuel source!  Now THAT'S productive thinking!  

By the way Sir Balladeer... did you ever hear about the Japanese fishing boat that was sunk by a flying cow?  Yep... it's true!  Bovine Bombardment!  Some Russian smugglers were trying to steal a cow by using an airplane... only when they hit some air turbulence the cow became scared and was causing the plane to fly erratically.  Rather than crash the plane they forced the cow out the back... several thousand feet later the skydiving bovine and the boat became one.  When a Russian patrol boat picked up the distressed crew of the ship and asked what happened, they didn't believe their flying cow story.  After spending a week in jail... somebody in the Russian military finally confessed to the cow bombing and the fishermen were set free.  Ahhhh life... stranger than fiction!

Peace!


[This message has been edited by Andrew Scott (edited 08-17-2000).]
SpitFire
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since 04-19-2000
Posts 2428


4 posted 08-17-2000 07:22 PM       View Profile for SpitFire   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SpitFire

~Grace??? Hhm. What's that? This poem ROX!!! Haaha. Right on! *Peace.

*P.S. I needed this tonight!  .


[This message has been edited by SpitFire (edited 08-17-2000).]
ggrn3
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since 08-17-2000
Posts 440
Nahunta Georgia U.S.


5 posted 08-17-2000 07:37 PM       View Profile for ggrn3   Email ggrn3   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for ggrn3

Global warming cause by Ugandan cow flatulations.  Now that's a laugh. You penned this one very well. A good laugh is what I got.  If there is so much methane in Uganda, no one should ever strike a match.  

Garfield
Marge Tindal
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6 posted 08-17-2000 07:39 PM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

Balladeer~

My delicate nature is snickering !

Good God !  You CAN write about anything !

I'm sharing this one with EVERYBODY !
~*Marge*~


~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com


Kit McCallum
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since 04-30-2000
Posts 16920
Ontario, Canada


7 posted 08-17-2000 07:47 PM       View Profile for Kit McCallum   Email Kit McCallum   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kit McCallum

     ROFLMAO      

Oh Lord ... what can I say!?!?
Loved this WAY too much!
Gotta read it again!

Best wishes,
/Kit
Corinne
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since 10-28-1999
Posts 5247
state of confusion


8 posted 08-17-2000 07:52 PM       View Profile for Corinne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Corinne

Yo are TOO much, Balladeer, nuthin' funnier than a bovine pome! I'll bet that study costs a million bucks, too!

Thanks for the laugh!

Corinne
Seymour Tabin
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since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


9 posted 08-17-2000 08:35 PM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Balladeer,
Now that's really starting at the ass hole of the situation. Loved the poem.
doreen peri
Member Rara Avis
since 05-25-99
Posts 8028
Virginia


10 posted 08-17-2000 08:36 PM       View Profile for doreen peri   Email doreen peri   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for doreen peri

EEEEEEWWWWWW!!

  

I *THINK* I got a whiff of this -- some time quite recently!
This cow news is the essence of strong impropriety!
I tried to keep this news which stunk locked tight inside my cellar --
all I can say, my 'deer, is this -- you must be one Fart Smeller!
It takes someone who's very Smart to not take news too lightly --
and post the consequences here, so honest and politely...
if cows destroy the ozone layer with their flatuation,
then, just perhaps, it's time we need a new Administration!
I'd vote for *YOU*, most any day, if 'deer, you were still running
for President -- You'd be my choice, since we could use some punning!
Out with the stinks and odors which are coming from Uganda!
A truthful President, I'm sure, could stop this propaganda!

__________________________

(you're the Master of humor in rhyme, 'Deer Sir... and this Balladeer verse is a gem! love ya!)

~ all you can really ever expect out of life is a good apology and some decent poetry ~

[This message has been edited by doreen peri (edited 08-17-2000).]
Balladeer
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11 posted 08-17-2000 10:07 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Mark...I really enjoy making people smile and, call me presumptuous, in you're case I think I succeeded. Thank you for the laughter...

ethome...you got it. It's ridiculous that the most ridiculous things are normally real. Glad you enjoyed...

Andrew...I like your idea of harnessing it for fuel...and I love your anecdote!!! I hadn't heard of that one. Cracks me up! Thank you, Sir Andrew!!!

spitfire..glad I was able to fulfill a need. I thank you, miss  

ggrn3...I don't think anybody in Uganda can afford cigarettes! Thanks for coming by...

Marge...snicker on - and share! Yeah, and like YOU can't write about anything??? HAH!!!

Kit...a smile from you is worth much. I'm happy you liked it  

Corinne...bovine ballads are best!! Glad you enjoyed...

Sy...the a**holes were the ones who started it! Thank you, friend.

Doreen...

I swear if I am President
I will not squander on red cent
To stop the spread of flatulation
In some small, sad, impoverished nation.
The thing I think needs to be done
Is stop the farts in Washington!!!

Loved your poem....and comments  
Elizabeth
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12 posted 08-17-2000 10:12 PM       View Profile for Elizabeth   Email Elizabeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Elizabeth's Home Page   View IP for Elizabeth

ROFL! This was HILARIOUS!!!! I especially liked the lines about flying cow parts--could just imagine them whizzing by...LOL

Elizabeth


Why ME???
Sunnyone
Member Ascendant
since 07-06-2000
Posts 5483
Staffordshire, England


13 posted 08-17-2000 10:12 PM       View Profile for Sunnyone   Email Sunnyone   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunnyone's Home Page   View IP for Sunnyone


Balladeer....

       You really should get some kind of reward for this one.....it deserves national recognition!  All kidding aside, cows really are helping to mess up the ozone, but I think humans are at the top of the list. P.S. I haven't laughed this hard in years!!!


Today is a gift....
That is why they call it
'the Present'!


WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


14 posted 08-17-2000 10:30 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

ROFL!!  Leave it to you to have our sides aching from laughter!  It's amazing, but just like a man, to blame it on the cow, or the dog    Which ever happens to be around. LOL

This was just priceless Deer....thank for a great laugh  
Eloise
Senior Member
since 11-27-1999
Posts 1115
Wyoming


15 posted 08-17-2000 10:40 PM       View Profile for Eloise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Eloise

Thanks Balladeer.  I needed a good laugh after a long hard day.  I'm not surprised anymore at just what you can write about.  
Nan
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since 05-20-99
Posts 24426
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


16 posted 08-17-2000 10:41 PM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

So... does this mean that cows really DO fly??? ..... Propelled kinda like a deflatulating baloon?? - OH my dear Deer...
Sunshine
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Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


17 posted 08-17-2000 11:00 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

tis time for laughter
and hoping elections everafter
keep me coming for the joke
e'en then all the folk....

are just that...a hoke...
Martie
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since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
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18 posted 08-17-2000 11:49 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

Balladeer--this needs a clever response like the others, but I have no clever in me right now...but I am laughting..how is that?
Martie
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19 posted 08-17-2000 11:49 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

Balladeer--this needs a clever response like the others, but I have no clever in me right now...but I am laughting..how is that?
Alle'cram
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since 02-28-2000
Posts 1827
Texas


20 posted 08-17-2000 11:57 PM       View Profile for Alle'cram   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alle'cram

ball, I have a clever line that I would love to say.......(can't)..

Still grinning, I do Love your sense of humor!!!  great, fun read.....(can't)..
...wnt too...(can't)...I would be branded for sure..(Won't)!  
Alwye
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since 06-16-99
Posts 3968
In the space between moments


21 posted 08-18-2000 12:02 AM       View Profile for Alwye   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Alwye

ROTF!!! This is absolutely hillarious!  How absurd!  And look at you, 'deer...I too believe that you can now write about anything!    

*Krista Knutson*

"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back."
-Barbara DeAngelis
Effigy
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since 04-11-2000
Posts 490
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22 posted 08-18-2000 12:06 AM       View Profile for Effigy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Effigy

Wonderful. I was in a bit of a sour mood, but you have managed to put a smile on my face.   thanks.
Mark Bohannan
Member Rara Avis
since 06-21-2000
Posts 7338
In the winds of Cherokee song


23 posted 08-18-2000 02:48 AM       View Profile for Mark Bohannan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mark Bohannan

okie dokie then......you are Presumptuous........and yes of course you are right.  I just came by again to get another laugh but mainly because I forgot to add to my library and file it under tax dollars being put to (good?) use.....still ROFLMAO
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


24 posted 08-18-2000 06:05 AM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

YEAH LAFF IT ALL OUT
OUT WITH THE GAS OUT

laff-a-riot... call the riot-police
som-e-body... puh-leeeaaaase
-----
nice work, balladeer...
regards
sudhir
 
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