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Open Poetry #9
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July. White curtains...
| Open Poetry #9 |
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July. White curtains... |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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July. White curtains. Melancholy. The stale air is hard to breathe. Alone I sit and stare at Holly, Who’s doing homework, while I grieve. Two weeks remaining. Birds are chirping. It’s four a.m. I’m counting sheep. Is it my conscience-- so disturbing? My eyes are red from lack of sleep. Spread fingers hold the heavy Norton*. Her other hand is on her lips. While I am left to die from boredom. Outside, the pale sunrise creeps. The sun will rise before we know it This day will be consumed by time. But, until then, let’s steal a moment From lifeless verse and boring rhyme. I strain my eyes from lack of sleep July. White curtains. Melancholy. Four twenty-five. I’m counting sheep Alone I sit and stare at Holly. *Norton Anthalogy of Poetry |
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| © Copyright 2000 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
this is awesome... the imagery is so well written I feel like I'm watching you watch Holly .. excellent writing..very cool work take care jm |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
I dont know what to say...the pain is evident and this is beautifully written [This message has been edited by Paula Finn (edited 08-08-2000).] |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thank you both! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I missed this melancholy piece...beautifully written, a portrait of a mind's moment...I like... |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I salute you here, master. This work is extremely well done. The words and thoughts are excellent, the construction is right on and you have managed to inject just the right amount of several emotions that settle on the reader just right.....very well done |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thank you Serenity and Balladeer, I appreciatte your comments! |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Master~ The title is captivating - the content .... stirring. 'July. White curtains. Melancholy.' Just something here that captures me. Good writing. I enjoyed this very much. ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ noles1@totcon.com |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thanks Marge! I appreciatte your comments! |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Back for another of your works here. Master, this poem is very well written. The subjects and the subject matter so intriguing. I definately think you should submit this one somewhere for publication as it is nearly flawless in its rhythm and rhyme without being forceful. I do have one minor suggestion: The line "Outside, the pale sunrise creeps" would read better as: Outside, the ashen sunrise creeps Outside, the pallid sunrise creeps or Outside, the orange sunrise creeps in sticking with the rhythm of the rest of the poem....just a suggestion  |
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Corinne Member Ascendant
since 1999-10-28
Posts 5167state of confusion |
Nice and tightly written, conveying misery very well. Corinne |
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Mike Member Elite
since 1999-06-19
Posts 2462 |
Excellent poetry. Enjoyed muchly. |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thank you all, Hoot, I appreciatte the suggestions, I'll give it another look! |
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