How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Main Forums
 English Workshop
 Translation
 1 2 3
Follow us on Facebook

 Moderated by: Christopher   (Admins )

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Not Available
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Translation (Verlaine: Les Ingenus, or The Young Fools)

 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Marc-Andre
Senior Member
since 12-07-2008
Posts 500


0 posted 12-29-2008 11:42 PM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marc-Andre

(Original French poem below)


High heels would shuffle with long dresses
Led by the breeze on wild terrain
As shimmering legs to that refrain
We’d spy - we fancied these princesses.

At times the jealous bug would sting
The girls reposing under branches
As their white napes emitted flashes;
Immature eyes were reveling.

As dusk would cloak the autumn day
Our beauties lay in our embrace;
They whispered words, our pulse would race:
Hearts captured in pas de bourree.

Translated by Marc-Andre Germain, 30 Dec. 08
___________________________________________

Paul Verlaine: Les Ingenus

Les hauts talons luttaient avec les longues jupes
En sorte que, selon le terrain et le vent
Parfois luisaient des bas de jambes, trop souvent
Interceptes - et nous aimions ce jeu de dupes.

Parfois aussi le dard d’un insecte jaloux
Inquietait le col des belles sous les branches
Et c’etait des eclairs soudains de nuques blanches
Et ce regal comblait non jeunes yeux de fous.

Le soir tombait, un soir equivoque d’automne:
Les belles, se pendant reveuses a non bras,
Dirent alors des mots si specieux, tout bas,
Que notre ame depuis ce temps tremble et s’etonne.
__________________________________________________

For comparison: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15621
Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 02-08-2003
Posts 21103
Eternity


1 posted 01-19-2009 10:35 AM       View Profile for Margherita   Email Margherita   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Margherita

I was intrigued by what you announced on Owlsa/Diana's thread and came looking.

I compared the three texts and I must say that you rendered the original text very well, daring to be the Poet who needs not to translate literally, but adds his own creativity, still respecting the rhyme patterns. I was a little perplexed by the pas de bourrée, but it does fit well (if one is skilled in dance expressions).

You have done a great job with this very enjoyable poem by Verlaine.

You are right it is not an easy job to translate poetry! Even our own I would say.

Love,
Margherita
OwlSA
Member Rara Avis
since 11-07-2005
Posts 8424
Durban, South Africa


2 posted 01-19-2009 01:07 PM       View Profile for OwlSA   Email OwlSA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for OwlSA

To be honest, Marc-André, I think you chose a poem whose essence is very difficult to translate.  I must admit that, whilst Verlaine is one of my favourite poets, this one, whilst I enjoy it up to a point, feels a little stodgy to me in comparison to the effects of other poems of his have on me.  

I think your translation of

Le soir tombait, un soir équivoque d'automne:

was far better than Louis Simpson's, be Louis Simpson who he is or not.  And, I do know who he is.  I have a book edited by him.  Smiles.

I am also a little puzzled by pas de bourrée - and I am still - not being skilled in dance expressions.

However, I enjoyed your free translation of the poem, and I enjoyed being introduced to a poem I didn't know.  Thank you.  

I hope you didn't find my comments insensitive.

Owl
Marc-Andre
Senior Member
since 12-07-2008
Posts 500


3 posted 01-19-2009 09:03 PM       View Profile for Marc-Andre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marc-Andre

Heartfelt thanks for your feedback, Margherita and Owl Indeed, I found this to be a poem whose essence is hard to translate.
I've decided to translate one poem a month as a "writing workout."

And by the way, when commenting on my poems or translations, feel free to critique at will, I am here to learn. At this point for me, it's a lot more about process than about product. I want to master the craft. Balladeer, for one, when critiquing my work won't overlook one detail (and even less my series of blemish) and thanks to him, I rework barely passable pieces into poems that I fell are of greater value; a very satisfactory process.

When I saw that you read and wrote poetry in French, I had to get your attention

Thanks for reading and taking the time to give an honest and helpful reply. Have a marvelous day! Mark
 
 Post A Reply Post New Topic   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Main Forums >> English Workshop >> Translation Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Not Available
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors