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Passions in Poetry

My poems suck, and I need mine fixed!! English assignment due 5/20!

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Poetman47
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since 05-18-2008
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0 posted 05-18-2008 12:41 AM       View Profile for Poetman47   Email Poetman47   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poetman47


The assignment in my English class was to pick a piece in out school arts festival, one that "stands out" to you.  Then make a shape poem out of it. I chose a photo of pillars symmetrically aligned on a pathway, like in an ancient "ruins" place.

So far I wrote two poems. I have to have 2 similes one metaphor, alliteration, and NO rhyme.

IMO I think they are terrible, but some people have said their good. So if you can help me out thats great...

Poem#1:
The pathway like a prison
Only one place to escape.
The pillars gray and solemn,
Like prison bars, cold and hopeless
The pathway is freedom to escape your fears
Like frightening dreams children have.
No where to run, just straight.
The Trees are the sky, dark and gloomy.
At the end the dream is over, freedom surrounds you
In a serene setting.


Poem#2:
The cold solemn pillars
Like prison bars surround him.
He looks up at the great gray sky
Knowing he will not leave. Fear of hopelessness. But he sees an exit Calling his Name. The prison bars can not hold him any longer As the gabble bangs
And the Man in the black gown declares
"Innocent"
He breaks free flying like a bird.


These are both on the same photo I just thought the second poem would flow a little better but they might just both be rewrites. I was thinking since it has to be a shape poem to make it into a prison cell or something... I only wrote two so theres a backup.


THANKSSS!!!!
Sunshine
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1 posted 05-18-2008 09:30 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

I would suggest that you work both of these up as you've outlined, then on the 19th, take them to the instructor for his/her input, and see what is suggested, and go from there. I have a feeling you're on the right track, but your instructor would know better than we do what is expected.

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SEA
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2 posted 05-18-2008 10:49 AM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

yes, for sure run it by your teacher. I have my kids do that so they get the feedback from the person who is grading it. That is the only person's opinion you really need.

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Poetman47
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3 posted 05-18-2008 04:30 PM       View Profile for Poetman47   Email Poetman47   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poetman47

Ok thanks. I guess Ill just print them both out and bring it to my teacher tomorrow. I just feel embarrassed i guess.
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4 posted 05-18-2008 06:33 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

you shouldn't.
Poetman47
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5 posted 05-19-2008 03:33 PM       View Profile for Poetman47   Email Poetman47   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poetman47

Well i talked to my teacher today and she said the second one was better, and I should use it. So now i just need to figure out how to make it into a shape. (i was thinking about prison bars?)
SEA
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6 posted 05-19-2008 05:18 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

is it long enough for prison bars?
I don't know how to do the shape poems but I sure hope you get a good grade!
Poetman47
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7 posted 05-19-2008 06:29 PM       View Profile for Poetman47   Email Poetman47   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poetman47

Yea Im going to try it out.
SEA
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8 posted 05-19-2008 08:14 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

if you can do it, then for sure I think that would go really good with the poem.
Sunshine
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9 posted 05-20-2008 01:55 PM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

I'm so glad your teacher was supportive and helped you make a choice. Let us know how it all turns out!
Bob K
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10 posted 05-21-2008 09:25 PM       View Profile for Bob K   Email Bob K   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bob K

Dear Poetman47,

          I've been watching the thread with great curiosity and I'd like to know how you feel now.  Having to write a poem specifically for somebody else is a pretty funny experience, I've found.  It's hard enough to write one because you want to and then figure out if you want to send it off someplace.

What was it like?

Curiously, BobK.

 
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