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Passions in Poetry

My Tears.........................And Headache

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Fathima
New Member
since 10-07-2007
[First Post] 9
taif,saudi arabia


0 posted 10-23-2007 08:11 AM       View Profile for Fathima   Email Fathima   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Fathima


Let my tears come,
Let my tears come,
Let my pain flow through those tears,
Let my tears share my pain with me and wash it away
Let my tears come.

But no tears come,
They may have dried up,
Or they may be dead,
But no matter how much i pray for those tears to come,
The just won't.

Instead,
Instead,
A blinding headache comes,
A headache so strong,
A headache so powerful,
That i fall under the wieght of it,
Like a black hole it sucks away my happiness,
My sadness,
My light,
My dark,
Until there is nothing left of me,
Nothing.

chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


1 posted 10-23-2007 08:54 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Welcome, drop the second line in the first stanza , switch lines four and five. Drop the third line in the second stanza, put a (y) after the first word in  the last line in the second stanza.

I hope This helps some ?

I did the easy stuff , somebody else to the third stanza.

Let my tears come,
Let my pain flow through those tears,
Let my tears come.
Let my tears share my pain with me and wash it away

But no tears come,
They may have dried up,
But no matter how much I pray for those tears to come,
They just won't.

OK, I have a little time left, before the boss comes back.

Instead,
A blinding headache comes,
A headache so powerful,
That I fall under the weight of it,

Like a black hole it sucks away my happiness,
My light,
Until there is nothing left of me,
Nothing.

Btw, drop (my light) and (nothing) and you have a couplet and I think a real good sonnet .

Let my tears come,
Let my pain flow through those tears,
Let my tears come.
Let my tears share my pain with me and wash it away

But no tears come,
They may have dried up,
But no matter how much I pray for those tears to come,
They just won't.

Instead,
A blinding headache comes,
A headache so powerful,
That I fall under the weight of it,

Like a black hole it sucks away my happiness,
Until there is nothing left of me,

[This message has been edited by chopsticks (10-23-2007 10:38 AM).]

Fathima
New Member
since 10-07-2007
Posts 9
taif,saudi arabia


2 posted 10-24-2007 08:26 AM       View Profile for Fathima   Email Fathima   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Fathima

thank you for your help. i appreciate it.
chopsticks
Senior Member
since 10-02-2007
Posts 870
The US,


3 posted 10-24-2007 10:05 AM       View Profile for chopsticks   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chopsticks

Fathima, you are welcome.
 
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