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help/suggestions

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Darravin
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since 10-18-2007
[First Post] 3


0 posted 10-18-2007 08:41 AM       View Profile for Darravin   Email Darravin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Darravin

I'm taking a creative writing class and the assignment was to write a poem, I'm not really confidant in my writing but heres what i came up with.  
Do you think this will do?

there she stood waiting
and for a time she would remain
all that time she spent
had then all been in vain
she had not what she wanted
and with nothing left to gain
She departed from that place
as it had begun to rain

SEA
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1 posted 10-18-2007 09:59 AM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

was it to "just write a poem" or a specific kind of poem style or length? If it was to just write one, this one is great. If there were specific things the teacher wanted, then we'd need to know what that was so we could help you better
Darravin
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since 10-18-2007
Posts 3


2 posted 10-18-2007 11:05 AM       View Profile for Darravin   Email Darravin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Darravin

It was really just to write one as the first assignment, but i still wanted to give a good first impression.
SEA
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3 posted 10-18-2007 11:46 AM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

ok my honest opinion? The last line is a bit awkward...how about this? ( I bolded my suggestion) It's just a suggestion, I don't mean to offend, only help. It's just my opinion nothing more.

there she stood waiting
and for a time she would remain
all that time she spent
had then all been in vain
she had not what she wanted
and with nothing left to gain
She departed from that place
never to return again
Darravin
New Member
since 10-18-2007
Posts 3


4 posted 10-18-2007 11:52 AM       View Profile for Darravin   Email Darravin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Darravin

i agree completely, the last line doesn't fit very well, but for lack of a better idea, i had left it in there, i am going to go with your suggestion for the time being, but i think i will come back to this one because there may be something that would fit there even better.
SEA
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5 posted 10-18-2007 12:14 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

sounds good...

here is a link for you...it might help.
http://www.rhymezone.com/
 
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