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Maree's Poem - discussion
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Maree's Poem - discussion |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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Heel-over on sinking ground a concrete of hard solid mass, I stand tilted you, a rise over earth and sky I'm imprisoned by horizon's line, I stand tilted a west wind you twist over and around rotating this senseless head, I stand tilted finally you become untouchable and I fall crashing at your feet, still, I stand tilted [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 08-15-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Maree: I'm afraid I'm out of time today but I PROMISE I will come back to take a closer look at this. What I see so far I like.  Jim |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
You would get a better tan lying in the sun instead of standing there getting a stiff neck wactching it cross the sky all day...lol the repetition works well here as time is going by and the subject has remained frozen...unmoved...as the sun keeps moving across the sky....until the end-- the unmoving and unmoved "falls crashing" at the feet -"standing tilted???)----other than that last bit of confusion it was very good Maree! As soon as you explain it to me I shall say it was all very good..lol jamie |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Hello Maree (thats the first time, mebbe I am calling you that... )well loved the poem ... enjoyed reading this one... but had to say a couple of things see if you agree... (btw-I am on some mission... taking on all you stalwarts ... tee hee...) okay the poem: should you, "a rise" be you, arise? and if you could change the last word "tilted" to "jilted", will that not add to the effect of the crashing (at the deception becoming suddenly unreachable or aloof, unless you want to symbolise something else) ... my regards, sudhir |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Sudhir, I am glad you enjoyed reading this poem and thank you for taking the time to Now, "You a rise" is meant to be as I wrote it, it is also there for "you arise" yes, but I want it written as "You a rise" thats how I want it, but with it's double meaning Jilted may add to the crashing at the feet yes, but that is not what I wanted, you see, I am trying to say that I am tilted, everything is all over the place, upside down etc etc. thanks Sudhir, I hope my explanaition has cleared it up for you Thanks again Buddy Jamie dear, I will get back to respond to your reply, just in a hurry now of to work. *hugs* dear one |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Yes it is Maree, my friend... but this chap still thinks that the last word as jilted is better... but then thats my left brain arguing with my right brain... gosh... its all the fault of the left side and the right side that I get a feeling of being left with neither  regards, sudhir |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Oy-ha! I love it, however, I personally would like to see the poem started out with the repititious phrase. I think that as it carries a "mood" throughout, it would be good to "set" it in the beginning as opposed to introducing it after the first stanza, taking away a tiny bit of the momentum. My piece, peace, Chris |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hey Jamie, sorry to take to long to get back to your comment  I thank you for your input as well About the tan, yes you are probably right *smackng myself on the forehead* hehe ok let me explain.. the last bit.. finally you become untouchable and I fall crashing at your feet, still, I stand tilted the person I am talking about has become untouchable and I fall crashing.... meaning I fall for this person even more, so I crash at their feet. not literally falling hitting the ground at their feet. so , still, I stand tilted. I hope that has helped you understand it a little better Jamie Dear Thank you M Christopher, Thanking you for taking the time to read this, I do appreciate it as for your suggestion to place the repetitious phrase at the beginning of the poem, I read it through as you suggested, and I liked it! so thank you for the suggestion. I will add it in thanks Maree [This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 08-21-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Maree: I've missed you in CA lately (actually, I've missed everyone ... been a little busy). Okay ... your poem: I thought your repetition effectively reinforced the "world revolves around this person" notion that (I think) you intended to imply throughout the poem (the tilt of the earth, "horizon line", "earth" and "sky", "rotating", etc.) and you never succumbed to the temptation of spelling it out for us ... GOOD FOR YOU! This, I think, is how you avoided the "world revolves around" cliche. I found the tautology of "hard/solid" grating but found redemption in your skillful crafting of the metaphor. Good job, Maree. Jim |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
And here I is. Well now. The subject matter is enough to break anyone's heart... ~sniffle~ most eloquently sad Mmy. Let me see... repetition wise... good I think. It carries the metaphor well...and the use of the repeated line, italicised, standing separate from the stanzas carefully denotes its pivotal emphasis for the poem. Me like! However - I have to argue with C (and not because I like doing so, though I do of course hehe), but because the poem works better in my op. just starting off with 'heel...' Why? It's hard. A hard start - I stand tilted, however, as a start may well initiate the repetition but it is just too soft... This is heart wrenching stuff this poem. This is a life out of focus, a heart out of beat. Needs a hard start. What do you think hon? K |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
'Allo Sweet Butterfly, I am glad you like Thank you. You say " This is heart wrenching stuff this poem. This is a life out of focus, a heart out of beat. Needs a hard start." K, yep it is indeed, and yes I agree with you, I shall leave it as I have it. As I intended to have it. Although I do like Christophers suggestion, but hey, my best friend wins  Seriously, the content of this poem does need that hard start , as you put it K and I agree with you Thanks Hon *hugs* Mmy |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
I stand tilted is hard enough I think...lol Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". |
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