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Insubstantiality (simile poem)
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Insubstantiality (simile poem) |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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My legs are fuming as foam on black sand shores seizing to reach you I look down and like two saplings spurting in the need for nutriented light they lengthen where are you? I am crushing the thought of taking one half of my sight and like some caricature of angry Ra hurling it out to find you I know it would thunk and roll sullenly visionless and you would hover like a missed flight on the rim of my socket without you in my frame I am as a Monet awash with colour yet shaped only in the distance insubstantial |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
OK LK i say i like the way you keep at bay the boredom by avoiding a string of "likes" .. using instead a couple of "as's" ...lol and packing in no less than five clear cut similes with a couple of metaphory thingies in there as well ... sort of.. so lets take a look at the convincingness of the simile: "My legs are fuming as foam on black sand shores" Humm .. conjures up a bevy of images .. none of them i have to say in my particular mind (which is I admit odd!) immediately relate easily to legs ..lol I guess the closest i come is to a kind of restless fury .. thrashing around impatiently .. humm lets move on and see if subsequent data will allow a more meaningful interpretation of the first passage....... so: "and like two saplings spurting in the need for nutriented light they lengthen " ahem ....er.... ahem... ummm ... yes ...well ........ now then ... lets see .. the juxtaposition of "spurting" and "legs" interspersed with ideas of "seizing" and "crushing" ..... too many James Bond films Kamla?? you can't use spurting and crushing and seizing and legs without deliberately meaning to introduce eroticism and if so then i guess the restless image of the first simile becomes more relevant as well... I'm glad this is a female speaker or the word "lengthen" would be giving me pause for thought as well! the next two similes i thought were quite excellent and in fact the whole concept of "hurling sight" on a mission to find... it amazes me how you think of these ideas ... the idea of an angry Ra (sun-God? and a raft?) .. excellent ..and this was best of all: "would hover like a missed flight on the rim of my socket" the thinking behind this is very good - tho "missed flight" suggested a plane circling an airfield maybe if the flight was missed the plane wouldn't be circling but would be disappearing in a more or less straight line trajectory away from you... maybe the plane should be in some kind of stacking system waiting to land?...lol "without you in my frame I am as a Monet awash with colour yet shaped only in the distance" liked the little double play on "frame" .. also liked "awash with colour" .. good way to describe his painting even if a bit over used !..lol ... I really wasn't sure about "distance" .. if by that you mean imply that the speaker is only substantial when viewed from a distance then that would make sense in relation to M's painting because that is exactly what happens when you stand a good distance from a Monet - the painting becomes meaningful .. it's a clever idea and I'm sort of groping at your meaning but it kind of doesn't mesh in too well with the idea of insubstantiality ......or at least i can't immediately see it!!! ok so this is a poem about a subject who's dancing on the edge of your vision metaphorically speaking..... who you can't quite get hold of ... wonder what gave you the idea of Monet ... humm for a poem written at the speed you must have done this ... it's damn good LK P |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
WOW! I have been Sir P'ed!!! Cool! Thanks hon...give me some time to 'frame' my reply...lol This is me you're talking to, btw - do you really think I would use images that made sense together when viewed in a literal sense? ROTFLMAO@Sir P... HEH Oh - one more thing - as for the bent of YOUR mind - do not involve me in your filth! LOLLOL... 'you can't use spurting and crushing and seizing and legs without deliberately meaning to introduce eroticism' (sorry - but you ARE soooo on the wrong track there dear) going away to think about this in particular: 'missed flight' cause that was actually my intent - a plane...but perhaps it doesn't work? Hmmm...  KK[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 07-17-2000).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Severn, I am very much liking quote: Glad to see that Ra made an entry into your poem. Overall, I find nothing wrong with it...pleased me much... Sunny ~~~Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. Helen Keller ~~~ When you want to be loved, look within...KRJ |
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Portia Member
since 2000-05-18
Posts 157 |
Figures, I have been a Dark hermit all this time and the poem I like best of all your work is way out here in English. I am not going to do a line-by-line, I just want to point out the images I liked best. "Fuming" I took to mean angry: painfully so. It makes sense to me because I used to run, and you get that burn... this is a long trek the speaker is on and you get that right at the beginning, and not liking it a bit. I agree with Poertree, there is a definite sexual charge here. "Spurting / in the need..." especially. I loved, "I am / crushing the / thought of taking / one half / of my sight / and like some caricature of angry Ra / hurling it out / to find you." I love that sense of struggle and also the self-deprecation there, the intense awareness of just *how* obsessed the speaker is. Then, the knowledge of the disappointment that would follow. "Visionless" appearing on its own and italicized is so perfect because it just ends that segment with the sullen thud the speaker mentioned. I also love the allusion to Ra (I have a very soft spot for ancient Egptian culture and mythology, as some in Dark already know). "...Hover / like a missed flight" is great; as if in the act of waiting you can cause the flight to turn around. But it naturally ends in disappointment, so well in keeping with the tone of this poem. Love, love, *love* the last stanza. It appeals to the aesthetics. I also love that you didn't oversentimentalize (whew is that a word? oh well it is now) the speaker's loneliness with something like, "drab and gray" or "colorless." No, the speaker is "awash with color" but "insubstantial" because the life must carry on, the trappings of everyday existence are there, but useless without the one the speaker searches for. Finally, the formatting. I saw either the ocean waves mentioned in the first stanza-- the way the water washes up higher in some places than others-- or mood swings and hesitancy. Either way a sense of helplessness and loss is conveyed. Fantastic. Did I mention I love this poem? In addition to loving the technical aspects, I found it really tugged at my heart. Thank you for sharing it. |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
your monet's are masterpieces now you just gotta die to reap the money get it money , monet. ahahahahah i kill me this poem rockin yuh [This message has been edited by wayoutwalt (edited 07-18-2000).] |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Kamla, I enjoyed this one like many others from you... the reference to the angry Ra has caught attention of each reader here... "the hover like a missed flight" actually portrays an airplane as you wanted it to... but it is perhaps the hovering that is signficant for its movement to me it means going around the airport... the rim and the frame forms a nice coupling to complete the meaning... just curious on the "black" sand shores, is this something you see in NZ or something just visualised to stress the whiteness of "angered" foam ... or maybe just me going haywire on this visual... I would have liked "hurled to the fore" instead of spurting though... well, actually nothing I see out of place at all... you do have a great poem here... as one expects from you... regards, sudhir. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
LK "Oh - one more thing - as for the bent of YOUR mind - do not involve me in your filth!" ...fair Portia agrees with me so there! .. humpph  "'you can't use spurting and crushing and seizing and legs without deliberately meaning to introduce eroticism' (sorry - but you ARE soooo on the wrong track there dear)" no LK I am on the RIGHT track .. the reader is always right y'see .. go read the relevant thread in Philosophy! Yeah sure there is the obvious analogy with the furious growth of young trees searching for light and water, but there's too much stuff in there for it not to be sexual as well ... and now tell me what else you had in mind?? ..lol "going away to think about this in particular: 'missed flight' cause that was actually my intent - a plane...but perhaps it doesn't work?" yes of course a plane .. got that but what you say is "you would HOVER like a missed flight" ... all i was saying was that "missed flights" don't HOVER they get the hell out of it to where ever they are going to .... its incoming flights circling the airport which hover ...no? So it kinda wrecks the simile doesn't it? What am i missing? (Apart from the flight that is?) Can't wait to hear your logical explanation on a line by line basis ... heh heh... SP [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 07-18-2000).] |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
fuming---either an expression of anger or destruction-fuming generally being a result of the action of acid on a material-- in this case foam on a black sand shore----weak-useless legs?. dependent? seizing to reach you--hmmm abducting or possessing? legs reaching for rich light- growing--- enlightenment? next paragraph reinforces this thought to me---- seeking vision---again light--(sun) I know it would thunk and roll sullenly visionless=====it would do no good to look? and you would hover like a missed flight on the rim of my socket===you would always be just on the edge of my (former) vision-out of reach out of view without you in my frame I am as a Monet awash with colour yet shaped only in the distance insubstantial hmmm-- monet--color-light-vision- Both an imitation of reality,and reality itself..at the point where they meet... a moment of truth.. ok-- my take- I am hurting (suffocating in the fumes?)and i need you to help..(show me the light?). where are you??? I refuse to seek you out--(i want you to seek me) but you do not care---without you I am not real---I am the illusion of reality-- my truth is I feel I do not matter.......I am of NO Consequence..... Of Course I could be wrong--but it seems so right...lol At any rate it is a remarkable use of similes..certainly colorful ones---and a very pretty poem to boot. As is almost always the case with your poetry Kamla. Thanks for posting it here for us to wonder upon. < !signature--> Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". [This message has been edited by Prometheus (edited 07-18-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"Thanks for posting it here for us to wonder upon" LOL.. nicely put jamie... my sentiments exactly .. P |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Fuming - fine. Eroticism - umm... they're right K. (I'd insert an "I'm sorry" here, but I would so hate to lie to you!) I did not like: in the need for nutriented light "Nutriented?" Umm... if'n you're gonna make up a word... well, just don't make this one up! It rubs the wrong way on my gramatically correct skin!  I get the picture of plants being rubbed down with "nutrients," smashing them to pieces! *shaking head* Just doesn't sit well...Also: I know it would thunk and roll sullenly "Thunk?" Again... You've employed (as is your style) such creative word usage here, that "thunk" sounds... droll. Like you couldn't think of another word to convey the sense of... well... "thunking!"  I like, I do. Lots even. Those two things though... I don't! C. |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
On the missed flight thing-- I took it to be regret over the missing doing the hovering-- |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
oh yes .. chris is right about "nutriented" btw i meant to say that ..lol jamie is giving you too much leeway on this missed flight thing tho !! .. p |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
I too was put off by the use of the word? nutriented.. And... I may be off on my own tangent here, but being as how an actual missed flight never hovers about (unless you know something on the pilot) I still see missed opportunity (or something akin) doing the hovering... and i didn't mention how much I loved the Monet simile..it can mean so many things.. ....and least I forget; everything is not about sex, but it did seem you went out of your way to (mis?) lead thought in that direction....((you meaning --she-- as in -K-...not you poertree..see below for ref... [This message has been edited by Prometheus (edited 07-18-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
jamie LOL will ya let up man ... you're a guy aren't you??..heh heh .. you should be on MY side .. anyway the US and the UK have a "special relationship" so you definitely should agree with me ... so stop trying to let her off the hook on this missed flight thingy .. she's got no right to write such great poems in 15 minutes for heavens sake !! .. there's gotta be something wrong with it !! so c'mon gimme a break and let me win an argument with her ...just for once ....pleeeeeeease ..... philip Yeah yeah jamie (after your edit) I know you meant "you" as in "she" not me ..lol... but i'm not talking about the sex thing ..i'm talking about the hovering .. which you persist in trying to let her get away with by offering up convincing explanations .....lol (i am j/k'ing btw ) ........oh and another thing ..it's Philip .. i hate that name poertree ..so conceited and stupid ..lol.. but i can't change it or i'll lose my precious senior member status ..heh heh[This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 07-18-2000).] |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
SB, My legs are fuming as foam on black sand shores seizing to reach you Wow I love this! and THIS... I too got a little lost on "Thunk", may need you to explain it to me hon. I am crushing the thought of taking one half of my sight and like some caricature of angry Ra hurling it out to find you.....WOW!! this.... and you would hover like a missed flight on the rim of my socket..... this ... I think... That flight/plane was there always,right there in front of you hovering waiting for you, but you missed it... without you in my frame I am as a Monet awash with colour yet shaped only in the distance Love this too Hon!! I loved this K, love all your works M [This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 07-18-2000).] |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
You may be right Phillip-----in fact, when you consider that a missed flight is itself a parodox of sorts--- for if you missed the flight, it was no flight for you at all; and as such never existed to hover about us like the proverbial gnat swarm, causing us such grief and discomfort....lol jamie |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
heh heh .... that's more like it jamie ... purr purr..... lolp |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
ALRIGHTALRIGHTALRIGHT!!!!!! LOL...thought you'd sneak in hey P, when you knew I wasn't around...humph - and pulling in the innocents with you... Well...here I am to rigorously defend (and...er...maybe admit you all have some good points - but never to C - oh no...) (Warning..warning...long rant ensues...) I think I might actually start here by explaining the intent of this piece, (which is - lo and behold and pulling rabbits out of hats:  Insubstantiality...) and why I did some of the things I did.Right! All five concrete similes incorporate some connection with the basic theme of insubs. Simile 1 When Philip says, 'none of them I have to say in my particular mind (which is I admit odd!) immediately relate easily to legs', I must reply - pretty insubstantial hey? LOL...also...I, with my fondness for duality, have thrown in quite a few words with double meanings in this poem. So 'fuming' means two things - anger and the literal insubstantiality of foam on the shore.... So P's 'restless fury' and Portia's 'angry' are correct. And when linked to the literal sense, then Jamie's 'weak-useless legs' also applies...metaphorically (haha)... No, this speaker is not appreciative that the desired person is out of reach.... Simile 2 That light that the trees need for nutrients is quite far away and yes! insubstantial... (lol - I love teasing you P...) A more indepth response to the mutual non-appreciation attitude of 'nutriented' to follow ~sulk~ Simile 3 Ra and all...well - here I have an insubstantial take on insubstantiality...(phew) - a focus on myth. Rather insubstantial things when placed within the context of our societal 'realities'. Simile 4 Here I shall reveal the essence of the mysterious 'missed flight' (intoned dramatically - in fact, you all should have some Debussy playing when you read that sentence...HAHA). 'and you would hover like a missed flight on the rim of my socket' Well...it obviously ties in to the previous stanzary thing (wanna challenge that made up word C? )This piece is one giant paradox guys. With a very careful distinction between that and oxymoron. The speaker is in an impossible situation...the poem has followed a path, from trying to reach the desired person, realising the futility and then, becoming resigned to the inevitable 'distance'. Paradoxically the person is still within range so to speak, yet - unavailable for want of a better term. Hence, the hovering... Yet it goes further. For how can an eyeless socket possibly see anything at the rim? One paradox - paradoxed. And insubs heightened. Portia was right on target. (At least in regards to MY interpretation Sir P...) Perhaps it does wreck the simile P...shrug...whoops - did I say shrug? NO, I didn't...nope... (Actually - you bring up a good point with that...in simple terms it does distort it, but I feel that on a whole - in line with the mission if you will of the whole poem it adds to the entire simile of insubs. Opinion please?) Simile 5 And finally the last: pretty self explanatory I think...Monet was the great master of making insubstantiality beautiful. 'Distance' - again a paradox. Something only becomes shaped in the distance...ie - Monet's paintings and the person - because that is as close as the speaker can get. Um - yet more insubstantiality there...yeah. Too complicated? Gulp. So - the 5 similes, all with their own various measures and designs of insubs. create a trajectory towards a designed perception (author's right - lol) of the poem on a whole as an insubstantial thing. Good grief! To reinforce this I chose words that didn't necessarily 'fit' together...wasn't sure if they all worked. (It seems nutriented didn't...shut UP C!) LOL... So - my poor little spurted and crushing...given over to a trite, fickle interpretation by the intrepid imaginings of the illustrious Sir P...HUMPH. LOL again... These words, along with thunk and yes, nutriented...explained. I wanted certain parts of this to jar. Intentional. I didn't want a pretty little thing. I wanted uneasiness, and harshness and words that seemed to knock against one another. Hence - spurting. Hence thunk. Sigh. I did not however design any sexual interpretation. YET - having looked at this closely, I actually now can see it. (you know how you get too close to your own work and need distance sometimes to be able to see it objectively?) I like it - it just reinforces the frustration. So - cheers!!! Even you - yes YOU Sir P...(well, mainly you since you started it). You C, do not like 'thunk'. I like it - I feel it has a onomatapoeic quality, that links to the 'visionless' combining to create a sense of immediacy and physicality - and also it was a deliberate jarring word. (Portia's reading of it is again correct with what I had in mind). Droll though...hmmmm...is there a word you can think of that can capture the same qualities and not sound droll? Turned a few over and they don't seem to fit. Errrrr...umm....'nutriented'. Ahem...~whispering in small voice~ 'I don't like it either'...yeah...Oh be QUIET C... I actually never did, but thought - yep, it's really ungainly, I'll leave it in. Sigh. Perhaps I won't on the - errrr - encouragement of your opinions...lol. Suggestions for a replacement anyone? Philip - idea for Monet? I have no clue...it was 2am...I can't remember...hehe...my bed looked really good right then. Karilea - thankyou for dropping in! I can understand why you would like Ra... Portia - WOW!!! It is so COOL to see you here...welcome to English...come any time... And your enthusiasm for this just combats that tragic horror over that nasty 'nutrient' incident...hehehe...Walty - that's just sad hon...lol!! Hugs, ta. Suddy - black sand - NZ has two kinds of beaches - on the West Coast - wild black sand beaches and on the East coast - gentle white sand beaches...(I take great pride in claiming origins on the wild side... )Jamie - are you siding with Sir P??? 'NO', she wails... AoL - hope the 'thunk' explanation helped - and hon, you know I appreciate your support hey? Hugs. C - let me 'rub it in' one more time: THUNK! P again: 'I hate that name poertree ..so conceited and stupid' - well why'd you pick it then????? I really want to thank you all so much for your awesome input here - really really cool... [This message has been edited by Severn (edited 07-19-2000).] |
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