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Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095


0 posted 2000-07-08 08:49 AM



wind blown
and into my heart
you fall
bouncing around
the kitchen
of my soul

you
a flash of light
you blinded me
of my sight
with days spent
on cloud number nine

forever my heart
beats your name
as you turn
like the wind
and fall like rain

I
am tumbled
windward, drenched
of your weather
I am a lost
rainbow



Angel of Darkness
July 2000


Yes, I am here, but I am dead, not alive,
my body goes on, my spirit has died
and I though alive, feel dead inside.

"Rose Petal"

© Copyright 2000 Dark Angel - All Rights Reserved
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
1 posted 2000-07-08 09:27 AM


Yikes! This is good...somehow I've never mastered this style..you do it so well Maree!    
Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
2 posted 2000-07-08 03:35 PM


sharon is so right .. you do do it very well indeed ... this was the right one to post Maree ... really excellent ..  

MP

Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
3 posted 2000-07-08 07:26 PM


....and all the names througout the world were jealous. For there was only one for which the  beautiful lost rainbow did beat. Its rhythmic longing not meant for their ears. But they could earnestly say-- Maree what magnificent colors you do portray!
WONDERFUL

Jamie

Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil.
"Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely".


Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

4 posted 2000-07-09 08:34 PM


Back where it belongs I see...lol...

well now lady...you know I love it...



I'll give it a good going over (compulsive you know) in a wee while.

K

wayoutwalt
Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870
TEXAS (it's all big)
5 posted 2000-07-10 01:00 AM


miss angel i am writing to say this is a fine poem maybe a little too fine but who am i to say that o i am just here to be lame with my banter but i do love this i do i do
Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
6 posted 2000-07-10 04:47 AM


Angel of Darkness,
Liked the image very well... Wonderful and fine piece of writing...

Though for my selfish delight, I would have liked the third stanza a bit different... if you could change the similes into metaphors there... and if the turning becomes a twisting, would it not become a more impressive sight... just me, hope you do not mind... just a thought...

A fine piece indeed!

regards, sudhir

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

7 posted 2000-07-17 10:58 AM


Hmmm
just read what Sudhir had to say, and - yeah..he has a point hon! Lol...

Going to try experimenting?

I have a few suggestions - only a few cause I actually really really love this pretty much as it is - like I said and YOU didn't seem to believe me - lol...

What do you think about changing the last lines to

'I am a rainbow
lost'?

I don't know - just seems to help the flow a bit dearest...


'I
am tumbled
windward, drenched
of your weather'

LOVE this Maree...

And I was just going to suggest cutting out the 'and' in the second line so it reads:

'wind blown
into my heart
you fall'

whatcha think???

All in all I think this is such a soft beautiful poem...it nearly made me cry (and THAT is an achievement!! LOL)

Hugs

K



Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
8 posted 2000-07-18 08:20 AM


Hmm... a lost rainbow. What a sad, yet beautiful image.
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

9 posted 2000-07-18 07:22 PM


Thank you for your lovely reply hon  

MP, thank you, yes I too am glad I posted this one   thank you

Jamie "sigh" your replies re always so sweet and wonderful Thank you.  

Mr Walt, I thank you for your reply and am glad you like it  


Sudhir, yes I understand what you are saying here   "Twisting" will be more impressive. Will give it ago   Thank you my fiend for taking the time.  

Severrrrn..... Now SB, I will try experimeting  

Your suggestion "I am a Rainbow lost" I love it!, so yes dear I will certainly change that  

wind blown
into my heart
you fall

yes I agree  

WOW heheh it nearly made you cry? Sheesh that is an acheivement!!! heheh kidding hon.. not as much as " bouncing around the kitchen of my soul" made me cry! hehehe

Well K, thanks for taking the time (which I know you don't have much of)to read this again and the suggestions hon.
I really DO appreciate it   *hugs*

Christopher....yes sad indeed, BUT beautiful!
Thank you for your reply.

Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
10 posted 2000-07-18 11:01 PM


You know... I think we all agree with Sudhir...lol

Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
11 posted 2000-07-19 04:06 AM


Maree ..lol ..do you REALLY think Sudhir is devilish?           


              

MP

[This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 07-19-2000).]

Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
12 posted 2000-07-19 04:37 AM


Nice spotting MP ...

a fiend indeed!!!! LOL        
  

giggles all around...

regards, sudhir

[This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 07-19-2000).]

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

13 posted 2000-07-19 05:58 AM


MP, devilish   indeed!!  hehehe

Sudhir *wink*  

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

14 posted 2000-07-19 07:29 PM


Hey Sudhir may I add...
"devilishly cute" ?
  

  

Jamie
Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168
Blue Heaven
15 posted 2000-12-22 02:29 AM





Jamie

Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil.
"Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely".


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