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Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704


0 posted 2000-06-22 02:54 AM


Emptiness
sings its own peculiar throe

can an ocean
swell more devoid?

What is there
to fill swirls of rush
to complete the cold

drown a stretch
of liquid nothing

a long search
    for the solace of the sky


Pinnacled remote
across a flash of time

starred with scars
of aeoned years

and a witness
to the haunt of  
surging tide  

a kindred lone
carved of a call below

a forevered wait
     for the mist of salted deep


An accidental dive
the sea into a star

the black wash
reflects but remember  

of spans past
and fitful storms

my tumult is a shadow
of an ocean voice
what can wave my power?

the footfall of a shore
breaking its own line

a calling
     for the lift of heavened light


An unplanned aspire
of star to the sea

a memoried curse
of crash and rise

my arms are lightless
I burn with mirrored empty
yet could I return to fall?

the curve of star
move annulled to still

a recognition
    of the reach for echoed meld


I could welcome light
once more

I could plummet low

I would swim my waves high
and over
dance to a fired song

I would arch my life fast
and through
revel in chords of the sea

I will spray my cry

I will descend the call

a reunion
       of reflected voice and soul
    
  
this
the anthem
of woven wave and light




~Sleeping Beauty never knew how lucky she really was~ (Me)

© Copyright 2000 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved
Sudhir Iyer
Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium
1 posted 2000-06-22 03:52 PM


Kamla,
Well, I read this once and then read it once again, but I still reach the same conclusion, this is exquisite writing...and being free verse (I do not write free verse much), my scope is limited to WOWing, still I will read the pome once again, and try and find new images...

So for now, except a few things, I have nothing serious to say except WOW!!! The lilting flow from low to high gives the reader a lot of hope...

What is there
to fill swirls of rush
to complete the cold

a missing '?' maybe...

'forevered' is a new word to this rustic...

the black wash
reflects but remember  

of spans past
and fitful storms

relects and remember (singular and plural)

I would propose:

reflects and remembers

spans past
fitful storms (remove the 'of' and 'and')

I burn with mirrored empty
methinks you deliberately avoided 'emptiness' here ...  

I will spray my cry

I will descend the call

I would remove the empty line in between...  

Now to what I liked most... every word... really enjoyed reading... don't mind my ramblings, and see what is best... as already said before, my competence level on free verse is questionable...I shut up now...

many regards, sudhir.

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

2 posted 2000-06-22 05:18 PM


Hey Sudhir!

Thanks my friend...nothing like input...

  

Right...

your suggestions...

First thing you will come to notice is that I don't play by the rules - so the missing ? is completely intentional...and as I don't use punctuation a lot a reader needs to insert commas etc...

so 'cold' actually leads straight onto 'drown' with a mental comma...still no question mark - but shrug...that's it. It is also intentional that the only question marks are given to the first two speaking parts of the ocean and star.

'Forevered' is not actually a word - I like to make things up...make nouns verbs and vice versa - hehe...  

Ok, I thought the 'reflects but remember' might prove confusing. While your suggestion does make it slightly less confusing unfortunately I can't link them with an and - nor plurarise the remember simply because it changes the meaning of the line.

The ocean is not actually reflecting and remembering.

The first line of that part is:

'An accidental dive
the sea into a star'

This line describes it as an action - yet that is not possible as how can the sea dive into a star? Therefore - it is a memory - and a memory in reverse - a reflection, like in a mirror.

Therefore the ocean 'reflects but remember'

and the remember is a verb in the place of the noun 'memories' which leads directly to 'of spans past'...phew!

I hope that makes sense! LOL.

'I burn with mirrored empty
methinks you deliberately avoided 'emptiness' here ...  '

Absolutely Sudhir, absolutely!

and the last part:

'I will spray my cry

I will descend the call'


- I also can't join these lines together as the last section - beginning from:

'I could welcome light
once more'

consists of the ocean and the star intertwining their thoughts...

each line is a separate thought in turn, beginning with the ocean: 'I could welcome light once more' refers of course to welcoming the star into its waters.

I was just difficult and omitted the speech marks...

hehe....

I so appreciate the time you took with this, my friend...

HUGS!

  K


< !signature-->

~Sleeping Beauty never knew how lucky she really was~ (Me)

[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 06-22-2000).]

Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
3 posted 2000-06-23 04:40 PM


I know this is perfect so I'm not going to say a word!!  
Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
4 posted 2000-06-23 04:56 PM


"First thing you will come to notice is that I don't play by the rules "

~smile~

you don't say ..Lady K ........ c'mere ..

"is he in heaven is he in hell" ..neither actually ..in fact he'll be in bed pretty shortly if you dont show up ...grrrr

a drowsy SP


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