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Passions in Poetry

Meteor

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Poet deVine
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since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


0 posted 06-20-2000 08:21 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine



We sat side by side on the sand, watching the waves roll in and out. Sunset had come and gone and now the darkness of the sky met the darkness of the sea in an unseen horizon.

Glancing up, I saw it. A bright light shimmering in the darkened sky. I stared at the glowing object; itís tail dancing like tamed lightening behind it. As it neared, the orange-yellow fire of the meteor could be seen clearly. Now it was clear that this was a meteor. A ball of fire tossed from the atmosphere by some unknown force. It traveled quickly towards the seam between sky and sea and then suddenly disappeared. Staring for a moment, I could see a faint gray tuft of smoke as the sea swallowed the meteor.

I turned to my husband and said, ďWasnít that spectacular?Ē

ďHuh?Ē he asked.

He hadnít seen it!

Christopher
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Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


1 posted 06-20-2000 11:51 PM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

First off, you had me laughing at the end. Such a grand scene... missed! (Do I sense a moral story behind this???)  

Second... now the imagery in this was nigh unto perfect. You implied the feeling while not taking it so far as to be a compete descriptive narrative. You painted, but left enough of the canvas empty to where the reader could fill in.

Bravo!!!

As a piece itself, I only have two issues - both of which are just personal foibles.

One: You use the word "meteor" twice in quick succession. I know it happens, nothing wrong with it... I'm just not too fond of repetition unless it is specifically designed to be so.

Two: "Towards." Oof! As I said, a foible. I prefer "toward." No "s." Just me!  

Kudos chick!
Dusk Treader
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Senior Member
since 06-18-99
Posts 1231
St. Paul, MN


2 posted 06-21-2000 04:18 PM       View Profile for Dusk Treader   Email Dusk Treader   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dusk Treader

Hmm.. I agree with Points one and two that Chris made (I feel so dirty!)

Also, I don't know about you but in this line "I stared at the glowing object; itís tail dancing like tamed lightening behind it."  I don't think "behind it" is necessary.. I don't know about you but I think tails naturally come at the end.  

And well.. In this one "A ball of fire tossed from the atmosphere by some unknown force", isn't a meteor tossed into the atmosphere?  Not from it?  Well.. There's my nitpicking, LOL Enjoyed your ending, t'was good use of imagery!


Abrahm Simons

"Keep on dreamin' boy 'cause when you stop dreaming it's time to die" - Blind Melon
Severn
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since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


3 posted 06-22-2000 08:33 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

HAHAHAHAHA...I could say typical men...but Chris would swoop in and give me a tidy lecture on the dangers of stereotypes, so I better not...WRONG!

Typical men...tch.

'It traveled quickly towards the seam between sky and sea'

I love this - the seam...wow.

Abe has a definite point on the tautology...(and lightning doesn't need the 'e')  

'We sat side by side on the sand, watching the waves roll in and out.'

Excellent opening - it sets the scene and as Chris says - provides but the frame...

well done!

K




~Sleeping Beauty never knew how lucky she really was~ (Me)
Poet deVine
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Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


4 posted 06-22-2000 01:48 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

Ok..I've fixed it...and it didn't even hurt!!! (will we be in trouble with the CA crew?)


We sat side by side on the sand, watching the waves roll in and out. Sunset had come and gone and now the darkness of the sky met the darkness of the sea in an unseen horizon.

Glancing up, I saw it. A bright light shimmering in the darkened sky. I stared at the glowing object; itís tail dancing like tamed lightning. As it neared, the orange-yellow fire of the meteor could be seen clearly. A ball of fire tossed from the atmosphere by some unknown force. It traveled quickly toward the seam between sky and sea and then suddenly disappeared. Staring for a moment, I could see a faint gray tuft of smoke as the sea swallowed the meteor.

I turned to my husband and said, ďWasnít that spectacular?Ē

ďHuh?Ē he asked.

He hadnít seen it!



[This message has been edited by Poet deVine (edited 06-22-2000).]
Sudhir Iyer
Member Rara Avis
since 04-26-2000
Posts 7206
Mumbai, India : now in Belgium


5 posted 06-22-2000 03:30 PM       View Profile for Sudhir Iyer   Email Sudhir Iyer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sudhir Iyer

Excellent, it was before you changed and more beautiful, it has become afterwards. Let me read this again, a few more times...

a very enjoyable scene here...very engrossing and humorous too... why do men always get the shortest straw?

If I may, let me re-picturise this and add my  'two cents'...   This is how I would write this, if I indeed had the initial idea (which is most difficult for this moronic mind   )

'We sat side by side on the sand, watching the waves roll in and out. Sunset had come and gone and now the darkness of the sky met the darkness of the sea in an unseen horizon.'

We sat side by side on the sand, watching (an adjective, preferably no usage of the, something like 'smooth') waves roll in and out. Sunset had come and gone . Unlit sky met the darkness of the sea in an unseen horizon.

basically removed repeated 'darkness', though it may seem unnecesary to do so...yet...  

...A bright light shimmering in the darkened sky...
I would like to see this as 'A bright light shimmering against the darkened sky' this adds to me a background of darkness and a foreground of shimmering light...

"itís tail dancing like tamed lightning."
This is brilliant, very nice...

"It traveled quickly toward the seam between sky and sea and then suddenly disappeared. Staring for a moment, I could see a faint gray tuft of smoke as the sea swallowed the meteor."

Again brilliant, very much so...
I would have put "traveled" as "travelled" (British way, the way I have been taught in India), or maybe 'flew' - that gives extra speed to the movement...

Well, these are as I would have put the words together... but I am no person with any 'sound' knowledge (??).. so do what you feel is right...


regards, sudhir....


[This message has been edited by Sudhir Iyer (edited 06-22-2000).]
patricianne
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since 05-04-2000
Posts 85


6 posted 06-23-2000 04:16 PM       View Profile for patricianne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for patricianne

Hello Poet. and I say that with all humility!!  This was just great, both versions.  I do like the revised one better.  You are very good at setting the scene without overdoing it.Esp. liked-darkness of sky meeting darkness of sea in unseen horizon. Loved the ending, could have been the opposite however!!  Pat
bsquirrel
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since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


7 posted 08-08-2002 05:09 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Every thing I read by you, I just want to read more!

hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


8 posted 08-10-2002 12:13 PM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

So... I have a question- 'toward' and 'towards'- is it an arbitrary decision between the two, or are the specific times for the use of each?

Sorry, I know it's off-topic, but that's been bugging me for months, I never know which I'm supposed to use.

Who is John Galt?

Ron
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since 05-19-99
Posts 9708
Michigan, US


9 posted 08-10-2002 02:19 PM       View Profile for Ron   Email Ron   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Ron's Home Page   View IP for Ron

http://www.wsu.edu:8080/~brians/errors/toward.html

hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


10 posted 08-10-2002 06:29 PM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

Thanks Ron.

Who is John Galt?

defenestrate
Junior Member
since 01-10-2003
Posts 47
nc, us


11 posted 01-10-2003 11:36 AM       View Profile for defenestrate   Email defenestrate   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for defenestrate

just thought that i should butt in, even though this is a little dated-in the line, "I stared at the glowing object; itís tail dancing like tamed lightning." i can only presume that you are referring to a possessive pronoun, rather than a contraction of "it is". if indeed i am correct, you need to change this to "I stared at the glowing object; its tail dancing like tamed lightning".

feel free, btw, to critique my outrageous use of commas here-i'm sure i have a couple of mistakes-i tend to overcomma rather than undercomma-and i also like run-on sentences. i always discern the difference between "its" and "it's", however
 
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