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Passions in Poetry

She Missed him Most when he was There....(Repost for a friend)

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Martie
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since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


0 posted 03-23-2000 08:52 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

She Missed Him Most When he was There

Oh, itís hard,
a season without him to tease
to please, to squeeze,
she said to herself,
smiling in spite of his note
on the table
next to the basket of bananas.

He was gone,
gone to the place
where handsome dark-haired
men go,
gone where reaching doesnít find,
gone where new beginnings start.

He was already gone
before the words.
His eyes were the story, yes
and the song he sang
mornings as the shower ran hot
and a certain sweet serenity
was in his voice,
the kind that comes from decisions.

He, with his blue eyes
that took her with him in a room
then forgot she followed
him to the roving
curves and sleek shoulders,
pausing meaningfully,
he with his blue eyes.  

You ogle, she said
as he turned
and had the Gaul to look dismayed.
He squeezed her hand and said,
you are so lovely tonight.

What was there to leave, after all.
She had been missing him for so long
that a note was almost a good thing.
She had missed him most
when he was there.

She had missed him most when
two of them
before a fire sat
and talked of nothing
and ate crackers and cheese
and drank beer
and watched the children
squabble on the floor.
She missed him most,
at tuck in time
when ghosts were vanquished from closets
and all was safe and right.

She missed him most
on the Sahara of their bed,
on white sheets
like hot sand
and he a mirage
just out of reach.

Oh, itís hard,
a season without him to tease,
to please, to squeeze,
she said to herself,
smiling in spite of his note
on the table
next to the basket of bananas.

But,
she missed him most
when he was there.




[This message has been edited by Martie (edited 03-24-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Martie Odell-Ingebretsen - All Rights Reserved
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores


1 posted 03-23-2000 08:57 PM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

Martie~
Loved it the first time ...
love it still.
Thanks to the friend who asked
you to repost.
~*Marge*~


 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Denise
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Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


2 posted 03-23-2000 09:24 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Yep! I enjoyed it again too, Martie! Thanks for reposting this wonderful piece!

Denise
bboog
Member
since 02-29-2000
Posts 307
Valencia, California


3 posted 03-23-2000 10:30 PM       View Profile for bboog   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit bboog's Home Page   View IP for bboog

Martie~
  I liked this poem. It has a tender yearning and gentle wistfulness to it that I really like. Having said this, my suggestion concerns the first two stanzas. Because the title says she misses him when he is there, it seems kind of strange to start out with him already gone.
   I think you need to start out by having him there. (It's implied that he's there because he's left a note) but I think the piece would be stronger if it started at the scene in the restaurant where he is ogling other women, and then backtracks to the speaker finding a note at the breakfast table. Because then the lines, "he was gone, gone to the place where darkhaired men go" seems more natural. We know he's been gawking at other women at the restaurant, and now we can feel the pain of why she misses him most when he is there. Does this make sense?
  By the way, is that a chair you're picking up, readying to throw at me ala Jerry Springer? I think this is a good poem that could be even better with a little cut and pasting. You're the author, however.
best regards,
bboog
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


4 posted 03-23-2000 11:43 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Martie...I can relate to this one girl      


Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


5 posted 03-24-2000 12:32 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

Martie,
I had not seen this one before so i am most please you reposted......it is EXCELLENT... touched my heart for all the reasons in it i have lived...have you been peeking  
thanks so much i LOVED this.
take care, jm

 and you can say baby...
baby can I hold you tonight
maybe if told you the right words...
at the right time,
you'd be mine...
baby can I hold you tonight...
tracy chapman


Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 11-08-1999
Posts 9405
Pennsylvania


6 posted 03-24-2000 03:12 PM       View Profile for Elizabeth Santos   Email Elizabeth Santos   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Elizabeth Santos

bboog, dear
You have poetic talent, in fact, you posted a beauty in Critical Analysis, which I am going to respond to. However, this is not CA. But that's not the point I want to make. I have read this poem and almost everything Martie has posted, and take my word, you can't improve on it. Martie's free verse is high caliber writing and some of the very finest in all of Passions. She knows what she's doing. If she wanted a critique, she would have posted in the CA Forum; but in open, let the priest do the praying. Please don't take this personally, my friend, this is just an observation.
Se you later
Liz

Martie,
I remember this one well. Good stuff
Liz
David2
Member
since 03-22-2000
Posts 412


7 posted 03-24-2000 04:11 PM       View Profile for David2   Email David2   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for David2

Oh, itís hard,
a season without him to tease,
to please, to squeeze,
she said to herself,
smiling in spite of his note
on the table
next to the basket of banana.

But,
she missed him most
when he was there.

Martie,
    This is the best thing of yours I have read, I just loved it! Your words were so descriptive yet so simple. It was sad but uplifting in a wat to know such love could exist. I have no criticism to offer, I just enjoyed it. Thanks
    David2
TerryW
Senior Member
since 03-23-2000
Posts 787
Louisville, Mississippi, USA


8 posted 03-24-2000 04:31 PM       View Profile for TerryW   Email TerryW   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit TerryW's Home Page   View IP for TerryW

The sentiment in this one rings true!  I know what you mean.  Sometimes you can be more alone with someone than by yourself.

 Terry A. Woodson, Jr.
Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


9 posted 03-24-2000 05:15 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

Marge and Denise--thanks for enjoying it the second time around.

Bboog--I had a reason for writing it the way that I did...it's sort of like a picture frame, with the first and last parts the same...framing the story in the middle...and I wouldn't think of throwing a chair at you...that might break my computer screen. Thanks for the read.

Ruth--I'm sorry, unfortunately, I can too.

JM--I guess a lot of people can relate to this situation because they have lived it, I'm sorry you are one of them.   I'm glad I touched your heart.

Liz--You are the best--I'm so glad you like what I do, and believe me...the feeling is mutual!!!

David--You are a talented poet--and I am so glad that you loved this poem--it's one of my favorites too.

Terry--That's exactly what I meant--thanks for understanding and the comment.
bboog
Member
since 02-29-2000
Posts 307
Valencia, California


10 posted 03-24-2000 08:44 PM       View Profile for bboog   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit bboog's Home Page   View IP for bboog

M~
Glad to know your computer screen is still intact.
Best regards,
bboog
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores


11 posted 03-24-2000 08:49 PM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

Martie~

You already know my feelings on
your writing talent.  
It is UNIQUELY YOU.
I would no sooner tell YOU
what YOU were THINKING than
I would presume that I knew
how to do it better !
Cause, kiddo ... NOBODY DOES IT BETTER !

It is through YOUR heart and YOUR eyes
that I want to see the scenes you write
about come to life.

And that's my HURRAH for your talent
and so be it !

Elizabeth, our friend ..
thank you for your comments.
You addressed it much more 'lady-like'
than I penned and erased TWICE !  

THERE'S LOVE ALIVE IN THE FORUM TONIGHT !
~*Marge*~



 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 11-08-1999
Posts 9405
Pennsylvania


12 posted 03-24-2000 09:50 PM       View Profile for Elizabeth Santos   Email Elizabeth Santos   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Elizabeth Santos

bboog,
Thanks for your nice e-mails. And again, I enjoyed your web site and seeing your pictures and poetry. Very nice. See you over in CA, where nobody's going to bug you.
  Thanks for your kind response to my feisty comments.
  Ate logo
  Liz

Marge,
   Margie, my dear poet friend
   You're going to break your poet pen
   Now just calm down and sleep the night
   And everything will be alright
   Everything's cool, sweetie
   bboogs a honey. He thought he was in CA, that's all
   No biggie
   Love ya, Liz
  
  

Pepper
Member Elite
since 08-19-99
Posts 3134
Southern Florida

Official Passions Reader
13 posted 03-24-2000 11:47 PM       View Profile for Pepper   Email Pepper   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Pepper

Martie,
I do remember this ... and it's one of my favorites too ... but then, I have so many favorites written by you .. 'S'
I know I've said this to you before; I love seeing through your eyes ....  
You , my dear , are a poetess extraordinaire ...
Martie will be notified of replies
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