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Open Poetry #6
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California

0 posted 2000-03-23 08:52 PM


She Missed Him Most When he was There

Oh, it’s hard,
a season without him to tease
to please, to squeeze,
she said to herself,
smiling in spite of his note
on the table
next to the basket of bananas.

He was gone,
gone to the place
where handsome dark-haired
men go,
gone where reaching doesn’t find,
gone where new beginnings start.

He was already gone
before the words.
His eyes were the story, yes
and the song he sang
mornings as the shower ran hot
and a certain sweet serenity
was in his voice,
the kind that comes from decisions.

He, with his blue eyes
that took her with him in a room
then forgot she followed
him to the roving
curves and sleek shoulders,
pausing meaningfully,
he with his blue eyes.  

You ogle, she said
as he turned
and had the Gaul to look dismayed.
He squeezed her hand and said,
you are so lovely tonight.

What was there to leave, after all.
She had been missing him for so long
that a note was almost a good thing.
She had missed him most
when he was there.

She had missed him most when
two of them
before a fire sat
and talked of nothing
and ate crackers and cheese
and drank beer
and watched the children
squabble on the floor.
She missed him most,
at tuck in time
when ghosts were vanquished from closets
and all was safe and right.

She missed him most
on the Sahara of their bed,
on white sheets
like hot sand
and he a mirage
just out of reach.

Oh, it’s hard,
a season without him to tease,
to please, to squeeze,
she said to herself,
smiling in spite of his note
on the table
next to the basket of bananas.

But,
she missed him most
when he was there.




[This message has been edited by Martie (edited 03-24-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Martie Odell Ingebretsen - All Rights Reserved
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
1 posted 2000-03-23 08:57 PM


Martie~
Loved it the first time ...
love it still.
Thanks to the friend who asked
you to repost.
~*Marge*~


 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com


Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

2 posted 2000-03-23 09:24 PM


Yep! I enjoyed it again too, Martie! Thanks for reposting this wonderful piece!

Denise

bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
3 posted 2000-03-23 10:30 PM


Martie~
  I liked this poem. It has a tender yearning and gentle wistfulness to it that I really like. Having said this, my suggestion concerns the first two stanzas. Because the title says she misses him when he is there, it seems kind of strange to start out with him already gone.
   I think you need to start out by having him there. (It's implied that he's there because he's left a note) but I think the piece would be stronger if it started at the scene in the restaurant where he is ogling other women, and then backtracks to the speaker finding a note at the breakfast table. Because then the lines, "he was gone, gone to the place where darkhaired men go" seems more natural. We know he's been gawking at other women at the restaurant, and now we can feel the pain of why she misses him most when he is there. Does this make sense?
  By the way, is that a chair you're picking up, readying to throw at me ala Jerry Springer? I think this is a good poem that could be even better with a little cut and pasting. You're the author, however.
best regards,
bboog

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
4 posted 2000-03-23 11:43 PM


Martie...I can relate to this one girl      



Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

5 posted 2000-03-24 12:32 PM


Martie,
I had not seen this one before so i am most please you reposted......it is EXCELLENT... touched my heart for all the reasons in it i have lived...have you been peeking  
thanks so much i LOVED this.
take care, jm

 and you can say baby...
baby can I hold you tonight
maybe if told you the right words...
at the right time,
you'd be mine...
baby can I hold you tonight...
tracy chapman



Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
6 posted 2000-03-24 03:12 PM


bboog, dear
You have poetic talent, in fact, you posted a beauty in Critical Analysis, which I am going to respond to. However, this is not CA. But that's not the point I want to make. I have read this poem and almost everything Martie has posted, and take my word, you can't improve on it. Martie's free verse is high caliber writing and some of the very finest in all of Passions. She knows what she's doing. If she wanted a critique, she would have posted in the CA Forum; but in open, let the priest do the praying. Please don't take this personally, my friend, this is just an observation.
Se you later
Liz

Martie,
I remember this one well. Good stuff
Liz

David2
Member
since 2000-03-22
Posts 407

7 posted 2000-03-24 04:11 PM


Oh, it’s hard,
a season without him to tease,
to please, to squeeze,
she said to herself,
smiling in spite of his note
on the table
next to the basket of banana.

But,
she missed him most
when he was there.

Martie,
    This is the best thing of yours I have read, I just loved it! Your words were so descriptive yet so simple. It was sad but uplifting in a wat to know such love could exist. I have no criticism to offer, I just enjoyed it. Thanks
    David2

TerryW
Senior Member
since 2000-03-23
Posts 779
Louisville, Mississippi, USA
8 posted 2000-03-24 04:31 PM


The sentiment in this one rings true!  I know what you mean.  Sometimes you can be more alone with someone than by yourself.

 Terry A. Woodson, Jr.

Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049
California
9 posted 2000-03-24 05:15 PM


Marge and Denise--thanks for enjoying it the second time around.

Bboog--I had a reason for writing it the way that I did...it's sort of like a picture frame, with the first and last parts the same...framing the story in the middle...and I wouldn't think of throwing a chair at you...that might break my computer screen. Thanks for the read.

Ruth--I'm sorry, unfortunately, I can too.

JM--I guess a lot of people can relate to this situation because they have lived it, I'm sorry you are one of them.   I'm glad I touched your heart.

Liz--You are the best--I'm so glad you like what I do, and believe me...the feeling is mutual!!!

David--You are a talented poet--and I am so glad that you loved this poem--it's one of my favorites too.

Terry--That's exactly what I meant--thanks for understanding and the comment.

bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
10 posted 2000-03-24 08:44 PM


M~
Glad to know your computer screen is still intact.
Best regards,
bboog

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
11 posted 2000-03-24 08:49 PM


Martie~

You already know my feelings on
your writing talent.  
It is UNIQUELY YOU.
I would no sooner tell YOU
what YOU were THINKING than
I would presume that I knew
how to do it better !
Cause, kiddo ... NOBODY DOES IT BETTER !

It is through YOUR heart and YOUR eyes
that I want to see the scenes you write
about come to life.

And that's my HURRAH for your talent
and so be it !

Elizabeth, our friend ..
thank you for your comments.
You addressed it much more 'lady-like'
than I penned and erased TWICE !  

THERE'S LOVE ALIVE IN THE FORUM TONIGHT !
~*Marge*~



 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com


Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269
Pennsylvania
12 posted 2000-03-24 09:50 PM


bboog,
Thanks for your nice e-mails. And again, I enjoyed your web site and seeing your pictures and poetry. Very nice. See you over in CA, where nobody's going to bug you.
  Thanks for your kind response to my feisty comments.
  Ate logo
  Liz

Marge,
   Margie, my dear poet friend
   You're going to break your poet pen
   Now just calm down and sleep the night
   And everything will be alright
   Everything's cool, sweetie
   bboogs a honey. He thought he was in CA, that's all
   No biggie
   Love ya, Liz
  
  


Pepper
Member Elite
since 1999-08-19
Posts 3079
Southern Florida
13 posted 2000-03-24 11:47 PM


Martie,
I do remember this ... and it's one of my favorites too ... but then, I have so many favorites written by you .. 'S'
I know I've said this to you before; I love seeing through your eyes ....  
You , my dear , are a poetess extraordinaire ...

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