Member Rara Avis
Just a few quick notes - glad I gaught this before I got out the - uh, I think. First off, I apologize I don't have time to get into this formally with you.
On "Nothing was going right" being suggested as a line.
A. First off, it wasn't as if that was the case in my life. More like "nothing going at all". I could accept that. If I were to examine my mood I would say it lacked luster, but I would also say I was very comfortable where I was in it, that has been my life as an abused child and a clinically depressed adult. Truly, I felt nothing and I view "Nothing was going right" as a negative phrase that in no way refelcts my mood which was numb, if anything.
B. I will ~stress~ the importance of including the word heaven. Heaven is a word I dearly wanted included in this poem - that line happened to be the first off my pen. "Heaven" is what I saw, (the first word that came to mind) when I walked out the door... and that was the jist of this whole poem. The hope of heaven if you will.
Changing this line to the suggested one changes the whole aspect as well as the whole tone of the poem.
C. "First time in thirty days,
I could feel that yearning."
"The clouds had finally broken"
Those are literal truths in a poem I wrote to run on two planes. One being "metaphorically" while mainting the "literal" aspect. The stars call to me - being the first time in thirty actual days I saw them - and so clearly to boot - yes there was a yearning. "Truth" is very important to me on any plane I write on...If it's not true to this author - this author is not gonna be comfortable penning it.
"A spectacle aslope,
Set to ease a timeless sorrow."
"Last night I saw stars and...
I remembered how to dream."
"Timeless sorrow" is a referance to my depression - my longstanding inability to feel joy (Again, that doens't have to mean something's wrong...) as well as a poetic referance to another poem by the same title. Read that and you will find my unspoken wish as well.
"Remembered how to dream" is another poetic referance to a poem entitled "Forgotten Dream", again the inclusion of this phraze was very important to me. It served it's purpose of an uplifting, inspiring ending, as well as the satisfaction I drew from it in personal referance.
I know this might sound selfish but I write for "myself". If my poetry isn't serving my emotion truly - I doubt I could effectly offer my emotion to others. I may not die a famous poet but I will die true to myself and not in the shadows of the countless nameless poets who sold out on their emotion for the sake of sylable counting. In my opinion, too much attention is given to society's demand, I think this is because few can define their "own" demands. I know what I want to produce in my poetry, and I'm truly sorry it doen't meet "the rules of pefrect poetry" but then if I wanted wanted to be perfect to begin with, I'd be posting in C.A. I express and release "my" emotion in my works. I wouldn't quell that for anybody, nor any rule, nor change it because my emotion is misunderstood.
Now then, you say:
I personally think this was unfair of you to say. There is nothing "unpoetic" about rhyming couplets, btw, unless you consider Blake's and Shakespeare's works to be unpoetic. I also think, because your meter is sporadic, that rhyming couplets would allow the poem to read easier.
A. you misinterpreted my commment. I could have worded it better if I had said:
"You're changing the rhyme scheme and in all truthfullness the phraze you offer is not very poetic to me..."
Truthfully it's not. "Nothing was going right" not only bring so much negativity to a poem where I tried to maintain a positive aspect all the way through, but the line itself just read flat to me. I like my words to sing to the reader and not sound like I'm throwing a pity party or writing a bad country song. Please don't take that as a slam, but that was the first thing I thought of when I saw that line. (My honest opinion, only)
B. Meter and rhyme scheme I hold and two different planes. I don't "personally" see where my meter would be improved by changing the rhyme scheme or why you think the poem would flow better there. I played guitar in a band and wrote songs for three years. Thus, I don't always keep details on exact meter, but believe me, I pay attention to flow, even so... Thus again, is why I say I like my poems to sing..."If I can't hear myself singing it" I sure ain't writing it.
O.K. I also think bboog put more time into reading this than most who replied and much more than for which you give him credit. You should be more appreciative of that. His criticism was constructive and "If you are gonna offer critique ... at least take as much care in your offering as I have in preparing the poem" was out of line, in my humble opinion.
You have no arguement from me there.
Bboog, my sincerest apologies. My "defences" were up last night already when I happened onto your critique. Most assuredly I do thank you, for not many do offer critique here on any level. It is most welcome, I assure you.
O.K. You say:
"Aslope" seemed out of place to me too. Aslope means "sloping" or "slanting" when used as an adjective. I would think "expansive" or "vast" would be better words to describe what I gather you saw from the rest of your poem. "Refract", by the way means "to break up".
And what happens to light when it refracts? my dictionary says and I'll quote:
" Refract - a bending (as in a ray of light) in passing from one medium to another". - Therein isn't "aslope" an accurate accessment?
I realize refract can also mean to break up - but Jim, trust me when I say I just don't grasp at words when I write, or explain myself. I choose me words carefully, that is probably why the "defense" mode kicked in whe both you and Bboog question the word "aslope". Also, since you were bringing up "poetic" qualities - "A spectacle aslope" carries alliteration... and almost double alliteration. Both effectively work to the flow of the poem and I implore as often as I can in most my works.
I could also get long winded and philosophical on the contour of the universe itself - I don't have time to go there today. Rest assure, I know the meanings of aslope and refract both.
In answer of your remaining questions - I stand firm that I had no wanting in my life. Awakening to an ability to want in itself would accuratley describe myself and my mood in stepping outside and writing a simple poem at such a refreshing view. Perhaps I could say something was not right in my life to please you but then, I'd have to say it's been wrong for the "whole" of my life since my own personal age of recognition which was roughly the age of 5. although I walked numb to the world - I walked the best I could - "something was right" about it I'm sure.
I apologize if you find this poem vague. If you saw my view, felt my mood, you would understand completely. You would also know that any and all poetic referances in no way hinder the message of this poem. I don't see need for a rewrite, here.
Thanks for the indepth reply Jim. I won't have time to wait for a rebuttle but go ahead and write one if you wish, i will be back Monday most likely.
And thank you too, Bboog, once again.
[This message has been edited by Michael (edited 03-11-2000).]