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Open Poetry #6
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Kevin
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa

0 posted 2000-03-09 11:38 PM


The wind blew through the house with ease
the door swung with each gust
and there alone slow danced the breeze
among the gathered dust

the haze brought forth by afternoon
peered through the window pane,
met eyes with furniture in rune
long since, carefully lain

A withered rose upon the sill
wept softly to itself
with petals lost and fallen still
upon the sun dried shelf

And hallowed house that begged for night
to shroud its emptiness
bore only words that came to write
years before in distress

They spoke of dreams that had been lost
They spoke of tears since cried
Times when aside a man was tossed
and to himself had lied.

The note it seemed was not addressed
it never spoke a name
just left upon the table, pressed
so tightly into frame.

A letter written only to
the keeper of the pen
sealed tightly with envelope glue
never opened again

But to the one who toiled long
struggling what to say.
The note was sent where it belonged:
"I’ve gone to see the world today."

© Copyright 2000 Kevin Bednarz - All Rights Reserved
EagleScorpion
Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644
Here, Now, Forever
1 posted 2000-03-09 11:47 PM


Quaint. Crisp. Refreshing. Kudos, fellow keeper of the pen
Meadowmuse
Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263

2 posted 2000-03-09 11:51 PM


"and there alone slow danced the breeze
among the gathered dust"

Kevin, this is outstanding poetry...not just the line I quoted (as that was the one that most pulled at me) but the piece in its entirety...a painfully delicate work, this. Your sense of meter and phrasing is wonderful, by the way.

~ Claire

[This message has been edited by Meadowmuse (edited 03-09-2000).]

Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
3 posted 2000-03-09 11:55 PM


Good writing, Kevin. You've given this a good atmosphere which adds a great deal to the words. Nicely done.
Parker
Member Elite
since 2000-01-06
Posts 3129
ON
4 posted 2000-03-09 11:58 PM


Kevin, This one was a big wow right from the start. I ditto what Claire said.
The Poetic stylings of Sir Kevin.
Bravo! again. I gotta get a new term.

Parker

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
5 posted 2000-03-10 12:19 PM


Kevin~
My God !  This is brilliant.
Truly the best of any I've seen
of yours.
I do not say it lightly ...
wonderfully, wonderfully done.
Your inkwell is full to overflowing.
~*Marge*~



 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com


Marina
Member Elite
since 2000-02-10
Posts 2245
Pickering, Ontario
6 posted 2000-03-10 12:27 PM


Kevin a wonderful poem with imagery and depth. I like your style of writing.

Marina

Compgirl
Member
since 2000-02-19
Posts 85
USA
7 posted 2000-03-10 01:17 AM


I am finding it hard to express my words for this piece. It was so wonderfull. There is not one line that stands out, there are just too many. GREAT writing my dear..just spectacular!!
bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
8 posted 2000-03-10 01:25 AM


Kevin: this seemed too choppy for my tastes. The lines: to shroud its emptiness
bore only words that came to write
years before in distress
seemed out of sync. Good ideas, I think I know what you're trying to say, but you need to rewrite and keep at it. Try to keep the same meter.
best of luck to you,
bboog

Parker
Member Elite
since 2000-01-06
Posts 3129
ON
9 posted 2000-03-10 02:22 AM


Kevin, don't rewrite this, its got a great flow. Meadowmuse should know. Some styles begged to be re-metered and yours is not one of them I might add.
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

10 posted 2000-03-10 04:30 AM


This is very very nice, Kevin - a most enjoyable read.



 'Writing sharpens life;
life enriches writing'
Sylvia Plath

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
11 posted 2000-03-10 05:10 AM


I really enjoyed reading this.   James
Kevin
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa
12 posted 2000-03-10 07:00 AM


Thanks so much guys, i was trying add a little balladeer flavor to my writing =)

use my feelings in a story, looks like it worked,

and the meter is not perfect =) ill noodle with it, thanks again

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