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Passions in Poetry

Adieu(I need some help on this one)

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Mistikman
Senior Member
since 01-10-2000
Posts 729
San Jose, CA, USA


0 posted 03-09-2000 08:44 PM       View Profile for Mistikman   Email Mistikman   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Mistikman

This is a poem that on the last day of school I am planning on giving to the girl at my school who has stolen my heart, but will not go out with me. I need to get the meter fixed in a major way on this, and am open to all criticisms, in fact I am encouraging it   Help me get this perfect, as it is likely the last time I will ever see her.

So now it comes time to part
And it weighs heavy on my heart
For you have been my ray of light
Who ended my eternal night

Just the mere sight of you was enough
To see through my angry bluff
Just the act of wanting you made me a better man
Now I love and help others as much as I can

My quest to win your heart was doomed to fail
But still I persisted, to no avail
I hurt us both in the process
I wasn't thinking clearly, I confess

And if we are to never meet again
Then you shall forever live on in my pen
As that pot of gold unattainable
For which it is worth any trouble

I have never had to say goodbye
To someone for whom I would gladly die
It is far harder than you think
To imagine you gone in a blink

If ever you need someone to talk to
When feeling angry or feeling blue
Don't hesitate to give me a call
I'll be there as a friend, that's all

It is time for me to go my way
Leaving behind this painful day
Now all I have to say is adieu
I will always remember you…


[This message has been edited by Mistikman (edited 03-10-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Travis Welton - All Rights Reserved
Meadowmuse
Member Elite
since 12-27-1999
Posts 3317


1 posted 03-09-2000 09:46 PM       View Profile for Meadowmuse   Email Meadowmuse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Meadowmuse's Home Page   View IP for Meadowmuse

Mistikman, I just saw this...will get back with you in just a bit, okay?  

~ Claire
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


2 posted 03-09-2000 09:57 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

You have spoken from your heart well in this Travis. I will see what I can do for you hun. I'll keep an eye on this as well. Others might beat me to the punch with my time constraints.  
Meadowmuse
Member Elite
since 12-27-1999
Posts 3317


3 posted 03-09-2000 10:35 PM       View Profile for Meadowmuse   Email Meadowmuse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Meadowmuse's Home Page   View IP for Meadowmuse

I'm sorry...I didn't mean to overstep.

[This message has been edited by Meadowmuse (edited 03-10-2000).]
Meadowmuse
Member Elite
since 12-27-1999
Posts 3317


4 posted 03-09-2000 10:36 PM       View Profile for Meadowmuse   Email Meadowmuse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Meadowmuse's Home Page   View IP for Meadowmuse





[This message has been edited by Meadowmuse (edited 03-10-2000).]
Mistikman
Senior Member
since 01-10-2000
Posts 729
San Jose, CA, USA


5 posted 03-10-2000 12:39 AM       View Profile for Mistikman   Email Mistikman   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mistikman

Meadowmuse- Thank you so much, I love what you have done with my poem   I will use yours if none better come along, I am really impressed  

Marilyn- Thank you, and even if someone beats you to the punch, post your version, I want as much choice as possible here  
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


6 posted 03-10-2000 03:54 AM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

I am going to be completely honest here...

I actually think it might be a great idea to give it to her as it is, not rewrite it or use someone elses - just because it is from YOU...you the person who loves this girl - what more can you give than who you are...just as you are.

I like this very much and think it is a beautiful thing to have written, Mistikman. I really do.

Just my honest opinion.



 'Writing sharpens life;
life enriches writing'
Sylvia Plath
Mistikman
Senior Member
since 01-10-2000
Posts 729
San Jose, CA, USA


7 posted 03-10-2000 10:27 AM       View Profile for Mistikman   Email Mistikman   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mistikman

Severn- I see where you come from and I agree to a point. My version has many errors in meter, and one spot where the rhyming isnt quite right, and I am asking for the people here to help me fix it. Meadowmuse went far beyond my original request by reworking most of my poem. My sense of meter is pretty horrible, and I want this poem to flow by the time I show it to her.
PoeticKnight
Senior Member
since 01-20-2000
Posts 1151
New Orleans, LA


8 posted 03-10-2000 12:15 PM       View Profile for PoeticKnight   Email PoeticKnight   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PoeticKnight

I agree with Severn about just showing her what you wrote. But i do understand what you are saying about meter and flow. I am the worst at that stuff. But if this girl doesn't like the sentiment expressed in your poem, then maybe she don't deserve you. There will be some girl who will appreciate your words. You've got to just lay yourself on the line and see what happens...that is just my opinion, 1 cent worth.
Good luck.
angel girl
Member
since 07-23-99
Posts 329
within a whisper...


9 posted 03-10-2000 04:11 PM       View Profile for angel girl   Email angel girl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for angel girl

This is really good. I wish a guy would write a poem like this for me!

 One touch of nature makes the whole world kin.
-William Shakespeare

Mistikman
Senior Member
since 01-10-2000
Posts 729
San Jose, CA, USA


10 posted 03-10-2000 06:35 PM       View Profile for Mistikman   Email Mistikman   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mistikman

JML- Well, its no longer a question of will I win her heart. That quest was failed awhile ago. Now I am just looking for a way to say goodbye. It is not she that doesnt deserve me, it is I who does not deserve her. She is the most wonderful, sweet, intelligent person I have ever met, and beautiful too. I am an overweight slacker who lacks the traits she is looking for. I want her to remember me, as I shall remember her.

angel girl- I dunno, maybe you are reading this letter wrong, but this is saying goodbye, I will likely never see you again. What you want is a love letter, which this is not  

Meadowmuse- Dont apologize, you didnt overstep anything. I found your version of my poem wonderful. It was slightly different than what I was looking for, but it was wonderful nonetheless.
 
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