an attempt at Haiku--do comment:)

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Open Poetry #6

an attempt at Haiku--do comment:)

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

0 posted 2000-03-05 05:36 AM

This Promising Day

Radiant rays peep through
Caress my freshly baked face
Eyes open.Bolt up.WOW!

INclan
Senior Member

since 1999-07-20

Posts 1024
Indiana, USA

1 posted 2000-03-05 07:11 AM

Kaile,
Your attempt at Haiku has succeeded. You have captured a moment in time. This reminded me of mornings when I am out camping. I so enjoy the mornings when the sun first peeks through the trees, to warm my face.

Technicaly, while keeping the traditional 3 lines, the poem departed from the 5-7-5 syllable count. I have read 100's of examples of english poets doing just that. The objective, in Haiku, is to accurately capture a moment, image, or event with the least words possible. Clearly, you thought about this Haiku a while before posting it.

Well done.

INclan

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

2 posted 2000-03-05 08:34 AM

I have to agree with Inclan on the deviation from traditional Haiku on this one you've got a syllable count of 6-7-6. Otherwise, cute piece

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

3 posted 2000-03-05 09:06 AM

Kaile~
Hi .... so the count is off a tad ...
it's a lovely expression of wonder and suprise !

It is not unusual for English Haiku to
be harder to write with the syllabic
differences between the Japanese and English languages.

I like your thought a lot.
Keep it up.
~*Marge*
< !signature-->

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

[This message has been edited by Marge Tindal (edited 03-05-2000).]

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

4 posted 2000-03-05 11:21 AM

A beautiful expression, Kaile!

Denise

Parker
Member Elite

since 2000-01-06

Posts 3129
ON

5 posted 2000-03-05 12:38 PM

kaile, a lovely haiku still. Those darn syllable's. I stick to the 5-7-5 but meaning is still the master in my books, and you have mastered that. A promising day it is.

Parker

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