How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Open Poetry #6 Archive
 an attempt at Haiku--do comment:)
 1 2 3 4 5
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

an attempt at Haiku--do comment:)

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
kaile
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Ascendant
since 02-06-2000
Posts 5323
singapore


0 posted 03-05-2000 05:36 AM       View Profile for kaile   Email kaile   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for kaile

This Promising Day

Radiant rays peep through
Caress my freshly baked face
Eyes open.Bolt up.WOW!
© Copyright 2000 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved
INclan
Senior Member
since 07-20-99
Posts 1046
Indiana, USA


1 posted 03-05-2000 07:11 AM       View Profile for INclan   Email INclan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for INclan

Kaile,
Your attempt at Haiku has succeeded. You have captured a moment in time. This reminded me of mornings when I am out camping.  I so enjoy the mornings when the sun first peeks through the trees, to warm my face.

Technicaly, while keeping the traditional 3 lines, the poem departed from the 5-7-5 syllable count. I have read 100's of examples of english poets doing just that. The objective, in Haiku, is to accurately capture a moment, image, or event with the least words possible.  Clearly, you thought about this Haiku a while before posting it.

Well done.

INclan
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


2 posted 03-05-2000 08:34 AM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

I have to agree with Inclan on the deviation from traditional Haiku on this one you've got a syllable count of 6-7-6. Otherwise, cute piece  
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores


3 posted 03-05-2000 09:06 AM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

Kaile~
Hi .... so the count is off a tad ...
it's a lovely expression of wonder and suprise !

It is not unusual for English Haiku to
be harder to write with the syllabic
differences between the Japanese and English languages.

I like your thought a lot.
Keep it up.
~*Marge*



 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
         noles1@totcon.com           



[This message has been edited by Marge Tindal (edited 03-05-2000).]
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


4 posted 03-05-2000 11:21 AM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

A beautiful expression, Kaile!

Denise
Parker
Member Elite
since 01-06-2000
Posts 3135
... the old black rum


5 posted 03-05-2000 12:38 PM       View Profile for Parker   Email Parker   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Parker's Home Page   View IP for Parker

kaile, a lovely haiku still. Those darn syllable's. I stick to the 5-7-5 but meaning is still the master in my books, and you have mastered that. A promising day it is.

Parker
 
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Open Poetry #6 >> an attempt at Haiku--do comment:) Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors