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Open Poetry #6
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bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855


0 posted 2000-02-21 11:56 PM


-shorts-
i. upstairs
Do you feel lonely?
Sex, suicide sometimes soothes,
But need breaks us first.

ii. living room
Hold onto that note,
Crying in penmanship form.
She told you last night.

iii. kitchen
Dishes are piling.
You don't remember eating.
What does what taste like?

iv. den
Important papers.
Yes, such important papers.
Goodbye now, papers.

v. bathroom
Mirror fingerprints.
What phantom child played here?
It's all wiped away.

vi. basement
No rope; only twine.
Only clothespins, dryer sheets.
Your final failure.

vii. outside
What did the moon say?
Did he bless your house with light?
Did he laugh at you?

© Copyright 2000 MPC - All Rights Reserved
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554

1 posted 2000-02-22 12:02 PM


WOW...
damn...this one is EXCELLENT!
unique presentation, and such vivid emotion stated...

"i. upstairs
Do you feel lonely?
Sex, suicide sometimes soothes,
But need breaks us first.
ii. living room
Hold onto that note,
Crying in penmanship form.
She told you last night."

these lines got me!
great work
take care, janet marie

 I love you
Is all that you can't say-
Years gone by and still...
Words don't come easily
Like I love you, I love you...
But you can say baby...
Baby can I hold you tonight
Maybe if I told you the right words
At the right time you'd be mine...
Tracy Chapman



bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

2 posted 2000-02-22 12:02 PM


On second thought, make the last line:

Was he laughing, too?

Mike

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

3 posted 2000-02-22 12:04 PM


Thanks, Janet. No fair! You read it before I could fix the ending!  

M.

Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores
4 posted 2000-02-22 12:21 PM


Mike~
WOW! is right !
Vivid imagery.
And yep, the last line is
fixed just right.
~*Marge*~


 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com


Meadowmuse
Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263

5 posted 2000-02-22 11:35 AM


You always give me something new, Mike. This piece is disturbing, of course, but even more, it takes the reader on a tour of that "edge of the edge" state that is so hard to describe in words alone. Good writing, and I agree with you on the ending...the "too" pulls it all together.
January Flowers
Member
since 2000-02-01
Posts 209
South Carolina
6 posted 2000-02-22 12:01 PM


Interesting, Mike.
Point blank emotion
from a view that many would fail to see.
Enjoyed.

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

7 posted 2000-02-23 12:00 PM


Marge,
Glad you enjoyed, or were at least impressed.

Meadowmuse,
Your "edge of the edge" response inspired me to write a new poem (nothing has no edge). Believe me, that state is something I'm an expert at. Luckily, the self-destruction, at least on a physical level, isn't real.

January Flowers,
(damn I love that name)
Glad you enjoyed. And yeah, it's definitely not a common viewpoint.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

8 posted 2000-02-23 12:24 PM


I agree with Meadowmuse, this piece IS disturbing--but that's okay by me, I was already disturbed...You excel at this format,
"b", and as usual struck chords I didn't know existed.

bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855

9 posted 2000-02-23 12:53 PM


Hi Serenity.
Striking hidden chords is my job, it seems.   Whatever that meant.

Mike

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