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Passions in Poetry

shorts

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bsquirrel
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Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


0 posted 02-21-2000 11:56 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for bsquirrel

-shorts-
i. upstairs
Do you feel lonely?
Sex, suicide sometimes soothes,
But need breaks us first.

ii. living room
Hold onto that note,
Crying in penmanship form.
She told you last night.

iii. kitchen
Dishes are piling.
You don't remember eating.
What does what taste like?

iv. den
Important papers.
Yes, such important papers.
Goodbye now, papers.

v. bathroom
Mirror fingerprints.
What phantom child played here?
It's all wiped away.

vi. basement
No rope; only twine.
Only clothespins, dryer sheets.
Your final failure.

vii. outside
What did the moon say?
Did he bless your house with light?
Did he laugh at you?
© Copyright 2000 MPC - All Rights Reserved
Janet Marie
Member Laureate
since 01-22-2000
Posts 18986


1 posted 02-22-2000 12:02 AM       View Profile for Janet Marie   Email Janet Marie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Janet Marie

WOW...
damn...this one is EXCELLENT!
unique presentation, and such vivid emotion stated...

"i. upstairs
Do you feel lonely?
Sex, suicide sometimes soothes,
But need breaks us first.
ii. living room
Hold onto that note,
Crying in penmanship form.
She told you last night."

these lines got me!
great work
take care, janet marie

 I love you
Is all that you can't say-
Years gone by and still...
Words don't come easily
Like I love you, I love you...
But you can say baby...
Baby can I hold you tonight
Maybe if I told you the right words
At the right time you'd be mine...
Tracy Chapman


bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


2 posted 02-22-2000 12:02 AM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

On second thought, make the last line:

Was he laughing, too?

Mike
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


3 posted 02-22-2000 12:04 AM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Thanks, Janet. No fair! You read it before I could fix the ending!  

M.
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores


4 posted 02-22-2000 12:21 AM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

Mike~
WOW! is right !
Vivid imagery.
And yep, the last line is
fixed just right.
~*Marge*~


 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Meadowmuse
Member Elite
since 12-27-1999
Posts 3317


5 posted 02-22-2000 11:35 AM       View Profile for Meadowmuse   Email Meadowmuse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Meadowmuse's Home Page   View IP for Meadowmuse

You always give me something new, Mike. This piece is disturbing, of course, but even more, it takes the reader on a tour of that "edge of the edge" state that is so hard to describe in words alone. Good writing, and I agree with you on the ending...the "too" pulls it all together.
January Flowers
Member
since 02-01-2000
Posts 217
South Carolina


6 posted 02-22-2000 12:01 PM       View Profile for January Flowers   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for January Flowers

Interesting, Mike.
Point blank emotion
from a view that many would fail to see.
Enjoyed.
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


7 posted 02-23-2000 12:00 AM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Marge,
Glad you enjoyed, or were at least impressed.

Meadowmuse,
Your "edge of the edge" response inspired me to write a new poem (nothing has no edge). Believe me, that state is something I'm an expert at. Luckily, the self-destruction, at least on a physical level, isn't real.

January Flowers,
(damn I love that name)
Glad you enjoyed. And yeah, it's definitely not a common viewpoint.
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


8 posted 02-23-2000 12:24 AM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I agree with Meadowmuse, this piece IS disturbing--but that's okay by me, I was already disturbed...You excel at this format,
"b", and as usual struck chords I didn't know existed.
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


9 posted 02-23-2000 12:53 AM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Hi Serenity.
Striking hidden chords is my job, it seems.   Whatever that meant.

Mike
 
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