[First Post] 273
I push all this **** to the back of my mind as I am awake,
But it all comes spilling back out as soon as my eyes are shut.
All I can do is sit and let my paranoia take control.
My brain is flooded with angst and torment.
I take one step forward and a lifetime back.
Despit all this you still love me and as a result Ia m so scared for you;
My ability to hurt and maim seems at it's strongest flow,.
All I seem to do is is kick, bruise and drag you through my deficiencies time and time again.
I keep telling myself that this is forever and real,
And whilst I believe, I do not understand what it is I offer you.
I feel that I am a symptom of other peoples hate and indecision,
I feel almost sure that I'm not imagining their mere tolerance of me-
But I can never be sure of what I feel because before you came into my life,
I barely even existed let alone lived.
I long for the ability of reasoning, to work out where I went wrong,
I long for the words to tell you how much I love you,
I long for an end to this struggle and hate and torture,
Why can't I shake this feeling?
This creeping, dreaded feeling.
I thought it was long gone,
Left in the past,
Buried, along with my regret and my longing for something to change.
But all of a sudden it's back again.
Maybe it was never really gone in the first place,
Maybe I'd pushed it all to the back of my mind,
But my dreams have become a reality,
And it's all come spilling out again.