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bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


0 posted 02-12-2000 01:31 AM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for bsquirrel

-up-
taste of mint. mirror glint.
crumbled flint. ended stint.
bottle of wine. some fun times.
some bad times. untaken climbs.
flowers and cards. truthful stars.
deceitful words. worthless scars.
making do. feeling okay.
playing the game. feeling the same.
reflect, regret, inspect, impress,
undress, confess, regress, lost less.
repress, redress, relieve distress,
relive the mess;
exit, guest.

camera film can't tidy up the edges.
old love letters can't fire it up.
fireside music can't fill you to bursting.
what's in yr cup can't make you go up, up, up, up.

dismiss the flowers in her hair.
there's no bliss in what can be found there.
don't bother with trying to remain friends, man.
just get up, walk out, leave her out of yr plans, man.
don't falter and flatter yourself with her view of yr life.
scatter her questions, answer none truthfully.
leave the symphony of sympathy and the past behind.
and beautifully, undutifully, make yourself; right.

© Copyright 2000 MPC - All Rights Reserved
devina
Member Elite
since 10-28-1999
Posts 3189
Northern Cali


1 posted 02-12-2000 01:35 AM       View Profile for devina   Email devina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for devina

I think your first stanza could be a poem all its own...but the more the better...

camera film can't tidy up the edges...very much said with just that one line!!!

Excellent thoughts!!!


 Open arms can be the most fragile in the world...
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


2 posted 02-12-2000 01:42 AM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

devina,
Glad you enjoyed, and thanks for posting an honest critique. I agree -- the poem could easily stand only on its first stanza. But when I read it over, I realized I hadn't conveyed all the feelings I'd wanted to. I wanted to add a more human element to the detachment of the beginning, so that's why I forged on. Thanks for your time in reading this.

Mike
Meadowmuse
Member Elite
since 12-27-1999
Posts 3317


3 posted 02-12-2000 12:25 PM       View Profile for Meadowmuse   Email Meadowmuse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Meadowmuse's Home Page   View IP for Meadowmuse

   I missed another of yours last night?? {shaking head} I shall remember to watch more carefully!
   Your loose rhyme and casual phrasing here works well for this obviously retrospective piece. Often when we think back on our lives, we tend to think in flashes, very much as you've illustrated in the construction of this work. Nicely done, Mike...keep writing.  

Claire

[This message has been edited by Meadowmuse (edited 02-12-2000).]
Corazon
Senior Member
since 02-02-2000
Posts 1301


4 posted 02-14-2000 10:09 AM       View Profile for Corazon   Email Corazon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Corazon

I know my comments are inadequate to convey how I feel about your writing, but your poems just blow me away....great stuff
bsquirrel
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Rara Avis
since 01-03-2000
Posts 8382


5 posted 05-22-2002 07:37 PM       View Profile for bsquirrel   Email bsquirrel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for bsquirrel

Thank y' guys/gals/peeps s' much.

She said burn ... together.
-TON

 
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