How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Open Poetry #6 Archive
 help! Help! HELP!! Need feedback!
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

help! Help! HELP!! Need feedback!

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Breathe~
Member
since 02-05-2000
Posts 319
Washington...


0 posted 02-09-2000 12:04 PM       View Profile for Breathe~   Email Breathe~   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Breathe~

This Friday is my boyfriends b-day...This poem is supposed to be accompanying a hoard of ballons...You see...my boyfriend was in a serious car accident last month...and has been in a wheel chair for 6 weeks now...(though he will be up on crutches in a week...YES!)  Thus excluding him from b-day spankings this year...So we came up with this prank...24 balloons filled with messages from loved ones and friends...and this poem to go with it...

Please tell me what you think...I know I am not much for lighter poetry and my rhyming could make a dog howl...but feedback would be wonderful!!  If you can think of something better....write it down!  *grinning*  Thank you for your time... )

Denise...

**************************************

For the 24 years of terror and play,
You richly deserve your SWATS today!

But sadly enough, with your posterior broken
You are unfairly spared our hand print tokens.

Oh!  But never fear our busted one
We shall STILL have our evil fun…

The loved ones cheated their desired spanks,
Have come up with a much more amusing prank

24 balloons were designed for our amusement…
But ultimately for your deserved embarrassment…

Filled with lot’s of  “who knows what”?
From all the people denied their SWAT.

So pop away!  Pop with reckless abandon!
Out falls a note for our Birthday boy Jason
BUT what each explosion truly represents
Is a good hard slap upon your broken hind end…

Happy Birthday…to our Couch jumper extraordinaire!!!




 Freedom of expression is the watch word...
© Copyright 2000 Denise Blackwell - All Rights Reserved
devina
Member Elite
since 10-28-1999
Posts 3189
Northern Cali


1 posted 02-09-2000 01:46 PM       View Profile for devina   Email devina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for devina

Denise, I think this is cute no matter how it's formatted, as it comes from the heart!!! Wish him a happy one for me to huh???

 Open arms can be the most fragile in the world...
Majestic
Member
since 01-11-2000
Posts 269
houston, tx.


2 posted 02-09-2000 01:51 PM       View Profile for Majestic   Email Majestic   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Majestic

this is very clever...im sure he will appreciate it..

 "To live is to love; To truly LOVE is to live!" ~kg~


SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


3 posted 02-09-2000 02:30 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

Breathe~ this is really good just like it is! Don't worry, it's fun! I'm sure it will make him feel good!-SEA
jascanvey
Member
since 12-26-1999
Posts 130
England


4 posted 02-09-2000 02:37 PM       View Profile for jascanvey   Email jascanvey   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for jascanvey

Send it just how it is, it's great!  
Andrew Scott
Member Elite
since 06-24-99
Posts 2655
Redlands,CA,USA


5 posted 02-09-2000 06:24 PM       View Profile for Andrew Scott   Email Andrew Scott   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Andrew Scott

Doesn't need to be any better than it is... full of fun and love... I'm sure he'll enjoy.
Corazon
Senior Member
since 02-02-2000
Posts 1301


6 posted 02-09-2000 06:28 PM       View Profile for Corazon   Email Corazon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Corazon

yep add my vote for as is, its perfect!
fool
Member
since 02-07-2000
Posts 110


7 posted 02-09-2000 08:21 PM       View Profile for fool   Email fool   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fool

I really dont think,
you need to change any of it lol,
he will love it Im sure.
Breathe~
Member
since 02-05-2000
Posts 319
Washington...


8 posted 02-09-2000 09:50 PM       View Profile for Breathe~   Email Breathe~   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Breathe~

Thank you everyone!  I was afraid he would read this and look at me like I was a big DORK!  *L*

But I feel better now... )


 Freedom of expression is the watch word...
Echo Rhayne
Senior Member
since 09-17-99
Posts 1538
Canyon Country, CA


9 posted 02-10-2000 02:53 PM       View Profile for Echo Rhayne   Email Echo Rhayne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Echo Rhayne

LoL, well I am sure it depends on his sense of humor (cause the majority of us here well, nevermind) but if he has even a slightly good sense of humor he should enjoy this too!  And heck, if he has a GREAT sense of humor, he should LOVE it!  I know I do!  

 Did Jesus laugh?
I think He did,
'cause He was once
a little kid;
and all of us
were made with joy
both sugar-spice girl
and snake-snail boy!
 
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Open Poetry #6 >> help! Help! HELP!! Need feedback! Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors