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Passions in Poetry

the keep

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Björn
Junior Member
since 02-08-2000
[First Post] 23
Münster, Germany


0 posted 02-08-2000 07:47 AM       View Profile for Björn   Email Björn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Björn's Home Page   View IP for Björn

This is one of my few poems so please be honest as to what you think about it...
It is supposed to describe the feelings of a lover (which is me) being seperated from his love.

the keep

All seemed so well until we part
but now I´m not so sure
no words from you as welcomed cure
for pains, inflicted on a longing heart

Doubts, like an invading army, storm
the battered walls of my loves keep
the fruits of sadness they´re here to reap
and unknown thought in my heads to form

Do you still think of me?
No! the chorus echos through the walls
(Another of my defenders falls)
Will we still be we?
No! the chorus echos through the halls
(They are in! I here the calls)
What will our future be?
None! the silent voices cry
(yet more of my heroes die)

for you it would be nought to expell these forces
few words by phone or letter brought
would still these painly nagging thought
would be the freeing army on white horses

so here I sit and wait for rescue
as all my walls are getting thinner
and I wonder who will be the winner
them or us and love so true
(which I deeply feel for you)

(for Britta)
© Copyright 2000 Björn Puttmann - All Rights Reserved
HelmutB
Senior Member
since 01-06-2000
Posts 989
Canada


1 posted 02-08-2000 08:18 AM       View Profile for HelmutB   Email HelmutB   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit HelmutB's Home Page   View IP for HelmutB

Well Bjoern
If I would be the girl and you the guy
I would know what to do  
Your poem does bring across how your heart feels and I think it's fine
I like the (lines) better, but that's me
Well done in any case
I hope she will hear the chorus call
Throughout her heart throughout the hall



 The ability to describe life with words is similar to painting a picture; both can be powerful tools.

SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


2 posted 02-08-2000 09:56 AM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

Bjorn, I thought this was very well done. An expression from your heart that I hope she can hear!   -SEA
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


3 posted 02-08-2000 10:26 AM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

I thought your thoughts came across well! Though you need to check your spelling in some areas, which tend to throw the reader off. Other than that, well done!

 <*\\\><

When you can't make up your mind
Which way is right for you,
Stop and softly ask yourself,
What Would Jesus Do?
Björn
Junior Member
since 02-08-2000
Posts 23
Münster, Germany


4 posted 02-08-2000 10:47 AM       View Profile for Björn   Email Björn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Björn's Home Page   View IP for Björn

Well, thanks to all of you!
I really appreciate the feedback and support you´ve given me!
I really don´t know any other forum where people are _half_ as friendly and supporting as here...
As to my spelling: the problem is I´m no native speaker, so some wrongs seem alway to slip in. I´ve got a date with my dictionary again, it seems  )
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


5 posted 02-08-2000 11:56 AM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Welcome to passions...good first post  
Echo Rhayne
Senior Member
since 09-17-99
Posts 1538
Canyon Country, CA


6 posted 02-09-2000 02:01 AM       View Profile for Echo Rhayne   Email Echo Rhayne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Echo Rhayne

Welcome to passions, enjoyed the poem, it is good!

 Just be glad I'm not your child! *evil grin*

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite
since 09-05-99
Posts 3505
Bewilderment , USA


7 posted 02-09-2000 07:24 PM       View Profile for Dr.Moose1   Email Dr.Moose1   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dr.Moose1

The feelings are well portrayed by the imagery used , and the meter is easy to follow .Well done , and welcome to passions .
Doc
JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 11-16-1999
Posts 31622
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA


8 posted 02-10-2000 06:30 PM       View Profile for JamesMichael   Email JamesMichael   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JamesMichael

Oh Bjorn I know what you mean.  I too feel these doubts talking to me.   I was talking to a friend yesterday and she was trying to tell me that another friend of hers liked me and I told her there are ways you can tell if someone likes you.  And of course one of these ways would be her picking up a phone and calling me.  I'm not sure if I'll call her though. (laugh)  James
 
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