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Open Poetry #6
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the keep
| Open Poetry #6 |
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the keep |
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Björn Junior Member
since 2000-02-08
Posts 23Münster, Germany |
This is one of my few poems so please be honest as to what you think about it... It is supposed to describe the feelings of a lover (which is me) being seperated from his love. the keep All seemed so well until we part but now I´m not so sure no words from you as welcomed cure for pains, inflicted on a longing heart Doubts, like an invading army, storm the battered walls of my loves keep the fruits of sadness they´re here to reap and unknown thought in my heads to form Do you still think of me? No! the chorus echos through the walls (Another of my defenders falls) Will we still be we? No! the chorus echos through the halls (They are in! I here the calls) What will our future be? None! the silent voices cry (yet more of my heroes die) for you it would be nought to expell these forces few words by phone or letter brought would still these painly nagging thought would be the freeing army on white horses so here I sit and wait for rescue as all my walls are getting thinner and I wonder who will be the winner them or us and love so true (which I deeply feel for you) (for Britta) |
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| © Copyright 2000 Björn Puttmann - All Rights Reserved | |||
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HelmutB Senior Member
since 2000-01-06
Posts 964Canada |
Well Bjoern If I would be the girl and you the guy I would know what to do  Your poem does bring across how your heart feels and I think it's fine I like the (lines) better, but that's me Well done in any case I hope she will hear the chorus call Throughout her heart throughout the hall The ability to describe life with words is similar to painting a picture; both can be powerful tools. |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
Bjorn, I thought this was very well done. An expression from your heart that I hope she can hear! -SEA |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
I thought your thoughts came across well! Though you need to check your spelling in some areas, which tend to throw the reader off. Other than that, well done! <*\\\>< When you can't make up your mind Which way is right for you, Stop and softly ask yourself, What Would Jesus Do? |
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Björn Junior Member
since 2000-02-08
Posts 23Münster, Germany |
Well, thanks to all of you! I really appreciate the feedback and support you´ve given me! I really don´t know any other forum where people are _half_ as friendly and supporting as here... As to my spelling: the problem is I´m no native speaker, so some wrongs seem alway to slip in. I´ve got a date with my dictionary again, it seems  ) |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Welcome to passions...good first post |
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Echo Rhayne Senior Member
since 1999-09-17
Posts 1495Canyon Country, CA |
Welcome to passions, enjoyed the poem, it is good! Just be glad I'm not your child! *evil grin* |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
The feelings are well portrayed by the imagery used , and the meter is easy to follow .Well done , and welcome to passions . Doc |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Oh Bjorn I know what you mean. I too feel these doubts talking to me. I was talking to a friend yesterday and she was trying to tell me that another friend of hers liked me and I told her there are ways you can tell if someone likes you. And of course one of these ways would be her picking up a phone and calling me. I'm not sure if I'll call her though. (laugh) James |
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