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Passions in Poetry

Oh, Love, I ask, what shall I do? (with lots of help from Kess)

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Master
Senior Member
since 08-18-99
Posts 1880
Boston, MA


0 posted 01-27-2000 05:52 PM       View Profile for Master   Email Master   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit Master's Home Page   View IP for Master

Oh, Love, I ask, what shall I do? My life has lost its sense;
How might I start to make amends with happiness I knew?
Return my cheeks their lively hue! so vivid, so intense;
Allow me, Love, to recompense the debts I owe to you!

In dreams, I seek your vibrant eyes-- your wild, hungry stare.
The sultry perfume that you wear has left me hypnotized;
It pained me so to sacrifice a love that seemed so rare,
And now this heavy cross I bear beneath a gay disguise.

I stand alone, by loss amazed, while drowning in remorse,
My perfect love was proven false; my empty heart is dazed--
I say this numbness is a phase, the world will find its course,
And slowly, then, my beating pulse will echo in her place!



[This message has been edited by Master (edited 01-27-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved
Master
Senior Member
since 08-18-99
Posts 1880
Boston, MA


1 posted 01-27-2000 08:03 PM       View Profile for Master   Email Master   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Master's Home Page   View IP for Master

Any suggestions on this one? I'm not sure that I'm satisfied with the first stanza.
Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 08-15-99
Posts 1966
Sitting in Michael's Lap


2 posted 01-27-2000 08:10 PM       View Profile for Skyfyre   Email Skyfyre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfyre

I could help you much better if I knew what meter you were trying to adopt, Master ... I'll check back for your response to that and go from there.  

--Kess


 Full fathom five thy father lies,
Of his bones are coral made,
Those are pearls that were his eyes;
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange...


--William Shakespeare, from The Tempest

Master
Senior Member
since 08-18-99
Posts 1880
Boston, MA


3 posted 01-27-2000 08:25 PM       View Profile for Master   Email Master   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Master's Home Page   View IP for Master

I have a little secret Kess, I don't know anything about meter. And don't even try to teach me, I'm hopeless! When I write I just feel whether the poem is flowing well or not. So, any suggestions on this poem would be fine!
Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 08-15-99
Posts 1966
Sitting in Michael's Lap


4 posted 01-27-2000 08:41 PM       View Profile for Skyfyre   Email Skyfyre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfyre

LOL -- hopeless -- gotcha.

Well in that case, since meter is not a major concern for you, I can only give you advice on phrasing.

The first stanza (since you asked) might be interpreted two ways: either you are addressing the errant love, or Love itself, as a concept.  If the former, you have written it correctly in the first two lines, though I cannot imagine what "debts" you would wish to repay such an unfaithful lover as you portray (unless it's debts of revenge -- LOL).

If the latter, however, it is the LAST two lines that are more in keeping with your theme ... I would suggest rearranging the first line so that the capitalized "Love" appears someplace other than the beginning of the line, so that its significance as a concept cannot be confused.  

Want more of a rewrite than that?  

--Kess


 Full fathom five thy father lies,
Of his bones are coral made,
Those are pearls that were his eyes;
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange...


--William Shakespeare, from The Tempest

Master
Senior Member
since 08-18-99
Posts 1880
Boston, MA


5 posted 01-27-2000 08:48 PM       View Profile for Master   Email Master   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Master's Home Page   View IP for Master

I was going for the Love itself and I see your point!

Ok, this is great and more please more!
Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 08-15-99
Posts 1966
Sitting in Michael's Lap


6 posted 01-27-2000 09:13 PM       View Profile for Skyfyre   Email Skyfyre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfyre

OK, tell ya what -- I am just going to give you an entire rewrite, and allow you to pick it apart as you will.  

Oh, Love -- I ask, what shall I do?  My life has lost its sense;
How might I start to make amends with happiness I knew?
Return my cheeks their lively hue, so vivid and intense;
Allow me, Love, to recompense the debts I owe to you!

In dreams, I seek your vibrant eyes -- that wild and hungry stare --
The sultry perfume that you wear has left me hypnotized;
It pained me so to sacrifice a love that seemed so rare,
And now this heavy cross I bear beneath a gay disguise.

I stand alone, by loss amazed, while drowning in remorse.
My perfect love was proven false; my empty heart is dazed --
I say this numbness is a phase -- the world will find its course,
And slowly, then, my beating heart will echo in her place!


Allow me to clarify that I will be offended not at all if you choose to heed not a word of this -- LOL.  I did my best to preserve your internal rhyme scheme, as well.  

--Kess


Master
Senior Member
since 08-18-99
Posts 1880
Boston, MA


7 posted 01-27-2000 09:27 PM       View Profile for Master   Email Master   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Master's Home Page   View IP for Master

Can I ask you something? who taught you to write so beautifully? You've kept every thought that I had in the poem and yet you impoved it so much. I can never fully thank you for this. But I might as well start! Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you...



[This message has been edited by Master (edited 01-27-2000).]
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


8 posted 01-28-2000 12:14 AM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Applauding this wonderful joint effort  
Master
Senior Member
since 08-18-99
Posts 1880
Boston, MA


9 posted 01-28-2000 08:00 PM       View Profile for Master   Email Master   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Master's Home Page   View IP for Master

Thank you Ruth!
 
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