»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #5
»
Oh, Love, I ask, what shall I do? (with lots of help from Kess)
| Open Poetry #5 |
|
Oh, Love, I ask, what shall I do? (with lots of help from Kess) |
|
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
|
Oh, Love, I ask, what shall I do? My life has lost its sense; How might I start to make amends with happiness I knew? Return my cheeks their lively hue! so vivid, so intense; Allow me, Love, to recompense the debts I owe to you! In dreams, I seek your vibrant eyes-- your wild, hungry stare. The sultry perfume that you wear has left me hypnotized; It pained me so to sacrifice a love that seemed so rare, And now this heavy cross I bear beneath a gay disguise. I stand alone, by loss amazed, while drowning in remorse, My perfect love was proven false; my empty heart is dazed-- I say this numbness is a phase, the world will find its course, And slowly, then, my beating pulse will echo in her place! [This message has been edited by Master (edited 01-27-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Any suggestions on this one? I'm not sure that I'm satisfied with the first stanza. |
||
|
Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
I could help you much better if I knew what meter you were trying to adopt, Master ... I'll check back for your response to that and go from there.  --Kess Full fathom five thy father lies, Of his bones are coral made, Those are pearls that were his eyes; Nothing of him that doth fade But doth suffer a sea-change Into something rich and strange... --William Shakespeare, from The Tempest |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
I have a little secret Kess, I don't know anything about meter. And don't even try to teach me, I'm hopeless! When I write I just feel whether the poem is flowing well or not. So, any suggestions on this poem would be fine! |
||
|
Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
LOL -- hopeless -- gotcha. Well in that case, since meter is not a major concern for you, I can only give you advice on phrasing. The first stanza (since you asked) might be interpreted two ways: either you are addressing the errant love, or Love itself, as a concept. If the former, you have written it correctly in the first two lines, though I cannot imagine what "debts" you would wish to repay such an unfaithful lover as you portray (unless it's debts of revenge -- LOL). If the latter, however, it is the LAST two lines that are more in keeping with your theme ... I would suggest rearranging the first line so that the capitalized "Love" appears someplace other than the beginning of the line, so that its significance as a concept cannot be confused. Want more of a rewrite than that? --Kess Full fathom five thy father lies, Of his bones are coral made, Those are pearls that were his eyes; Nothing of him that doth fade But doth suffer a sea-change Into something rich and strange... --William Shakespeare, from The Tempest |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
I was going for the Love itself and I see your point! Ok, this is great and more please more! |
||
|
Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
OK, tell ya what -- I am just going to give you an entire rewrite, and allow you to pick it apart as you will. Oh, Love -- I ask, what shall I do? My life has lost its sense; How might I start to make amends with happiness I knew? Return my cheeks their lively hue, so vivid and intense; Allow me, Love, to recompense the debts I owe to you! In dreams, I seek your vibrant eyes -- that wild and hungry stare -- The sultry perfume that you wear has left me hypnotized; It pained me so to sacrifice a love that seemed so rare, And now this heavy cross I bear beneath a gay disguise. I stand alone, by loss amazed, while drowning in remorse. My perfect love was proven false; my empty heart is dazed -- I say this numbness is a phase -- the world will find its course, And slowly, then, my beating heart will echo in her place! Allow me to clarify that I will be offended not at all if you choose to heed not a word of this -- LOL. I did my best to preserve your internal rhyme scheme, as well.  --Kess |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Can I ask you something? who taught you to write so beautifully? You've kept every thought that I had in the poem and yet you impoved it so much. I can never fully thank you for this. But I might as well start! Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you...  [This message has been edited by Master (edited 01-27-2000).] |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Applauding this wonderful joint effort |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thank you Ruth! |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
