How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Open Poetry #5 Archive
 Is this whats called a "villanelle"? Pl
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Is this whats called a "villanelle"? Please read and give your comments...

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Travis
Junior Member
since 06-14-99
Posts 18


0 posted 01-23-2000 11:36 PM       View Profile for Travis   Email Travis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Travis's Home Page   View IP for Travis

You wonder why my heart hurts me so,
And why all that I amÖhas died.
And you wonder why I canít let go.

There are so many things you just donít know,
So many times Iíve been cast aside.
You wonder why my heart hurts me so.

My life has been at an all time low.
It seems as if every love has lied.
And you wonder why I canít let go.

The story of love I can easily forgo.
Love hurts,  as I have often implied
You wonder why my heart hurts me so.

As love runs from me, my heart in tow,
My body weeps, my soul broken inside.
And you wonder why I canít let go.

If you ask me to love, the answer is ďnoĒ
Too many nights I have sat and cried.
You wonder why my heart hurts me so
And you wonder why I canít let go.

© Copyright 2000 Travis - All Rights Reserved
First__Knight
Senior Member
since 11-08-1999
Posts 688


1 posted 01-23-2000 11:54 PM       View Profile for First__Knight   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for First__Knight

I myself do not know much of correct poetry and styles....I do not even consider myself a poet by name..... But as for content I can feel the release and the harbor of feelings in this and understand every word as having shared in such matters of the heart at sometime of the past.  I like it...Well done

 
I don't buy temporary insanity as they murder defense. Because
people kill people. That's and animal instinct. I think breaking
into someone's home and ironing all their clothes is temporary
insanity.


Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 05-20-99
Posts 24426
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


2 posted 01-23-2000 11:57 PM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

Well, Travis - I'd say this certainly looks pretty much like a villanelle to me... It's wonderful to see someone joining us with an affinity to this kind of poetry... Watch out for Skyfyre, though... She's recruiting people to do double sestina's...
Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 08-15-99
Posts 1966
Sitting in Michael's Lap


3 posted 01-24-2000 12:19 AM       View Profile for Skyfyre   Email Skyfyre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfyre

HEY!!!

No fair giving me away to the newbies, Nan ...    LOL

Welcome, Travis, and yes, this IS a villanelle ... if you like this type of poetry (structured, that is), might I suggest you visit the "Poetry Workshop" forum now and then, where we explore this form and many other goodies as well?  

(PS:  Don't listen to Nan -- she's just sore cause I wrote two doubles to her NONE!  LMAO)

--Kess, AKA Le Joyeux Aliene (the Merry Lunatic)  



 Full fathom five thy father lies,
Of his bones are coral made,
Those are pearls that were his eyes;
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange...


--William Shakespeare, from The Tempest

Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


4 posted 01-24-2000 12:23 AM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Wonderful poem, Travis! The pain in this is so well expressed!

Denise
One Who Understands
Member
since 01-20-2000
Posts 252
Cedar Rapids, Iowa


5 posted 01-24-2000 02:26 AM       View Profile for One Who Understands   Email One Who Understands   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for One Who Understands

God can I relate!

I'd like to share my version of the pain with you...

I Understand

I understand what it is to feel pain,
I understand when you're treated like dirt.
I understand when you're out in the rain,
I understand what it's like to be hurt.
When you ache inside, and don't know why,
I understand.
When you lower you're head, and start to cry,
I understand.
When you know you will fail, but you still try,
I understand.
When you shed a tear, and hug good-bye,
I understand.
      I know what it feels like,
To be pushed away.
I know how it hurts,
No matter what they say.
I know what it's like,
To fight all the way.
And I know how pain,
Just won't go away.
I understand why you feel helpless,
I understand why you want to hide.
I understand why you feel lonely,
I understand when you don't have pride.
I understand what it's like to be you,
I understand when you feel like crying.
I understand your frustration inside,
I understand when you feel like dying.

But precious, please don't cry.
Hold you're chin up, and dry your eyes.
Everything will be okay.
There will be no more good-byes.

Please send me other pieces similer to this.
I enjoy reading about others who understand
Beki
Senior Member
since 09-15-99
Posts 1615
Newport Beach, CA, USA


6 posted 01-24-2000 03:48 AM       View Profile for Beki   Email Beki   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Beki

Yes I concur, the rhyme scheme and stanza pattern of this follows the form of the villanelle. HOWEVER, your meter needs some work, a villanelle has consistent meter as well as rhyme. For instance, the pattern you set in the beginning stanza is

-'-'-'--' (9 counts)
-'-'-'-'  (8 counts)
--'-'-'-' (9 counts)

your irregular beat is at the end of the first line but at the beginning of the last, and the middle line is one count short...even so, if the other stanzas followed this pattern it would be somewhat ok. But they don't . take a look at the second stanza...

--'--'-'-'  (10 counts)
-'-'-'--'   (9 counts)
-'-'-'--'   (9 counts)

Here your 2nd and third lines are consistent with each other and with the first line of the poem....perhaps this is the meter you should try to bring the rest of the poem into line with. Each of the other stanzas is just as inconsistent.

On the up side, establishing the rhyme pattern is one of the toughest parts of writing a villanelle and you have done that very well, so you have a great beginning here. Try working with the meter alittle and it will be great. Am reposting my own Winterwarm for you to see as an example.It is the first villanelle I ever published and has been published several times since. It will help you see what I mean by consistent meter.
PhaerieChild
Senior Member
since 08-30-99
Posts 1829
Aloha, Oregon


7 posted 01-24-2000 03:52 AM       View Profile for PhaerieChild   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for PhaerieChild

To be quite honest I wouldn't know a villian from a villanelle but I do know that I like this very much. It's very sad and poignant.

 Poetry~ Words falling on paper, painting a dream.

Shawna R. Holder
Boise, Idaho


Travis
Junior Member
since 06-14-99
Posts 18


8 posted 01-24-2000 09:16 AM       View Profile for Travis   Email Travis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Travis's Home Page   View IP for Travis

Thank you so much for your replies to this poem.......I read a villanelle here at this site, and it inspired me to try.

Your comments are much appreciated!

Thank you Beki for your help, I was able to follow the rhyme pattern, but never even thought about the meter.  I'm going to try to touch it up a bit.

Again, thank you for reading.

Travis
Travis will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Open Poetry #5 >> Is this whats called a "villanelle"? Pl Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors