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Passions in Poetry

Tears Rolling Down Her Cheek (Challenge from Hoot)

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Echo Rhayne
Senior Member
since 09-17-99
Posts 1538
Canyon Country, CA


0 posted 01-23-2000 11:48 AM       View Profile for Echo Rhayne   Email Echo Rhayne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Echo Rhayne

Tonight she lay still
Engulfed in ebony
She felt the full weight of the blackness of the night
pressing mercilessly upon her, suffocating her,
In the moonlight, shadows dancing within her mind,
to a melody that was no longer familiar to her
inviting her to a place
where he was
A place where they could engage, embrace, envelope one another
But she could not accept their offer
for she could not move
She was immobilized
Paralyzed by venom of abandonment
She lay motionless
As a permanent fixture in a condemned building
All around her was at rest...
like a dead calm
All around her was at rest...
except her soul
and the tears rolling down her cheek...


 ~*~ ^i^ ~*~ Love is such a lonely art, and death is but a taste.  Minds are merely instruments that often go to waste! ~*~ ^i^ ~*~






[This message has been edited by Echo Rhayne (edited 01-23-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Echo Rhayne - All Rights Reserved
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


1 posted 01-23-2000 12:09 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Oh Echo...this is both hauntingly sad   and beautiful at the same time. Challange well met...I am surprised at the variety of posts that I'm getting from this challange. I thought I'd get a ton of romantic love poems...and aside from mine which was borderline, I haven't got a single one.
Nice free verse here  
JOY 14
Senior Member
since 09-22-1999
Posts 1447
Wisconsin USA


2 posted 01-23-2000 12:13 PM       View Profile for JOY 14   Email JOY 14   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit JOY 14's Home Page   View IP for JOY 14

Wow!  Beautiful words.

 JOY

Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


3 posted 01-23-2000 02:26 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

This is wonderful, Melanie! Sad yet beautiful!  

Denise
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


4 posted 01-23-2000 03:03 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Echo this was soooooo sad! You do have a way with your words!
Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 08-15-99
Posts 1966
Sitting in Michael's Lap


5 posted 01-23-2000 03:45 PM       View Profile for Skyfyre   Email Skyfyre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfyre

Echo, this was charged with longing ... I do so love a good bit of free verse ...

So I hope you won't mind too much when I tell you that there was ONE word that I thought detracted from the flawless flow of the rest.  "Accessible" (line 8) is a very sterile, clinical word, which IMHO does not taste very well intermixed with the delicious sweetness of the rest of this piece.  You could find another word to replace it if you liked, but I think it would be lovely is you just left it as:

inviting her to a place
where he was,
A place where they could engage ...


Just my suggestion, hun.  Enjoyed this immensely.

--Kess  


 Full fathom five thy father lies,
Of his bones are coral made,
Those are pearls that were his eyes;
Nothing of him that doth fade
But doth suffer a sea-change
Into something rich and strange...


--William Shakespeare, from The Tempest

Mike
Member Elite
since 06-19-99
Posts 2528


6 posted 01-23-2000 05:37 PM       View Profile for Mike   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mike

Very nicely done Echo. You display a real talent with free verse.  I envy you on that.
Munda
Member Elite
since 10-08-1999
Posts 3629
The Hague, The Netherlands


7 posted 01-23-2000 06:02 PM       View Profile for Munda   Email Munda   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Munda's Home Page   View IP for Munda

Echo, you did so well....again ! Haunting, beautiful, love it !  
Echo Rhayne
Senior Member
since 09-17-99
Posts 1538
Canyon Country, CA


8 posted 01-23-2000 06:29 PM       View Profile for Echo Rhayne   Email Echo Rhayne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Echo Rhayne

WoW, *blushing*  Thank you all for your wonderful comments....hmmmm I might just have to start writing more free verse hehe....ok maybe not but still.  Kess, I will heed your advice and change the line, thanks for the advice.  Like I said, I dont write much free verse.  Thanks again everyone, I appreciate all the kind replies!

 ~*~ ^i^ ~*~ Love is such a lonely art, and death is but a taste. Minds are merely instruments that often go to waste! ~*~ ^i^ ~*~


Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


9 posted 01-23-2000 06:41 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

This was absolutely wonderful free verse.
Echo Rhayne
Senior Member
since 09-17-99
Posts 1538
Canyon Country, CA


10 posted 01-23-2000 06:49 PM       View Profile for Echo Rhayne   Email Echo Rhayne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Echo Rhayne

HEY, ok Im flipping out now....All of a sudden my picture shows up....Who said I wanted a picture with my poems???  Oh well.....it's almost exactly a year old picture anyway hehehehe   Hmmmmmm but now after I sent this it desapeared, am I just tripping out or can y'all see it too?  Darn aliens are back grrrrrr hehe (long story)  This is just too weird!!

Martie, thanks for your comment!!

 Just be glad I'm not your child!  *evil grin*



[This message has been edited by Echo Rhayne (edited 01-23-2000).]
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores


11 posted 01-23-2000 07:39 PM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

Echo-
What a 'hoot' you are !
The poem is Circa Echo.
Pensively perfect.
Great free-verse ...
it suits you well.
~*Marge*~



 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Echo Rhayne
Senior Member
since 09-17-99
Posts 1538
Canyon Country, CA


12 posted 01-24-2000 02:15 AM       View Profile for Echo Rhayne   Email Echo Rhayne   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Echo Rhayne

My deepest thank you's Marge!  

 Just be glad I'm not your child! *evil grin*

One Who Understands
Member
since 01-20-2000
Posts 252
Cedar Rapids, Iowa


13 posted 01-24-2000 02:21 AM       View Profile for One Who Understands   Email One Who Understands   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for One Who Understands

Very, very, very touching
 
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