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Passions in Poetry

Response to Hoot's challange...no title (suggestions accepted)

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Marilyn
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since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


0 posted 01-21-2000 02:19 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Marilyn

This is a totally different twist to Ruth's phrase. I hope you enjoy even though it is very dark.

In the moonlight, shadows dancing,
As her form moves into view.
Upon this cliff, she stands enchanted,
With the view of rocks below.

As the sea boils up in anger,
Tossing waves upon the shore.
A single tear drops falls in sorrow,
To the depth of horrors throws.

Her tears are done and she's left empty,
Whilest wind whips through her hair.
A single rose cluched in her fingers,
Salted by the halted stream.

Fingers grip the very petals,
That once were the sign of love.
Falling softly now are rested,
On the rocks which were his doom.

Ever now she carries onward,
Hollowed from that fateful eve.
Silent now the screams of terror,
Dancing on that moon lit grave.


[This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 01-21-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved
hoot_owl_rn
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since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


1 posted 01-21-2000 02:50 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

First a title suggestion...Moonlit Dance

Next... WOW!!!! this is a remarkable piece of work Marilyn. The rhythm is great and the story line carries the reader right to the (bitter?) end. You have met and excelled the challange with this piece.
Well done my friend  


 At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. ~Plato
Andrew Scott
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since 06-24-99
Posts 2655
Redlands,CA,USA


2 posted 01-21-2000 03:21 PM       View Profile for Andrew Scott   Email Andrew Scott   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Andrew Scott

Well worded turn about... I ditto Lady Hoot's comments and suggest "Fallen Love" as a darker title. Just my take
Denise
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since 08-22-99
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3 posted 01-21-2000 04:24 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Captivating tale, Marilyn. I could see the scene before my eyes! Very well done!

Denise
Dark Angel
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since 08-04-99
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4 posted 01-21-2000 05:05 PM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dark Angel

I echo Ruth, this is remarkable indeed, held me right to the end! Well Done!!

 What comes from the heart goes to the heart.
Samuel Coleridge


Marilyn
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since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


5 posted 01-21-2000 05:05 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

hmmm I have been thinking about this. How about Moonlight's Fall for a title?
Munda
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since 10-08-1999
Posts 3629
The Hague, The Netherlands


6 posted 01-21-2000 08:37 PM       View Profile for Munda   Email Munda   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Munda's Home Page   View IP for Munda

Marilyn ! This is excellent work ! WOW girl !  
Isis
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since 09-06-99
Posts 6390
Sunny Queensland


7 posted 01-21-2000 08:39 PM       View Profile for Isis   Email Isis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Isis's Home Page   View IP for Isis

Moonlight's Fall is the name that does it for me!  This is wonderful Maz, you never fail to meet a challenge. Bravo Sis  

 Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen closely.
~Isis~
(Sovereign of the Spirit)

SnglDad
Member
since 01-08-2000
Posts 121
Seattle area


8 posted 01-21-2000 09:26 PM       View Profile for SnglDad   Email SnglDad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SnglDad

Another very nice piece
I think you have once again shared another
for me to read over and over again.
Once again Thanx For Sharing  

                                 Joel
Balladeer
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since 06-05-99
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9 posted 01-21-2000 09:39 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

Good poem, MArilyn. I would call it Moonlight Danse Macabre.
Willem
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since 11-18-1999
Posts 141
Inverness, FL, USA


10 posted 01-21-2000 10:37 PM       View Profile for Willem   Email Willem   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Willem

Edgar Allen Poe would have sat straight up in his grave, had he heard this poem recited by his tomb. In addition to a smooth meter and well-applied alliteration it also impacts by the tragic gothic tale it spins.
There are some typos, which you will no doubt find yourself upon rereading. Also, the
second "view" in the first couplet could be changed to "sight" to avoid repetition.
I commend you for this fine piece of poetry!

Willem

"Shoot from the heart, not from the lip."


 
Nan
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since 05-20-99
Posts 24426
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA


11 posted 01-22-2000 08:30 AM       View Profile for Nan   Email Nan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Nan's Home Page   View IP for Nan

I like this poem, Marilyn... You've captured the scenario very nicely... Good one..
Marilyn
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since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


12 posted 01-22-2000 04:23 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Ruth...thankyou for your enthusiastic repsonse. I enjoyed writing this piece very much!

Andrew...Thankyou for your suggestion and yes a draker title is appropriate for this piece.

Denise...thanks!  

Dark Angel...It seems the dark side likes me much..lol. I can tell you though I don't care for it much at all.  

Munda..Thanks..your kudos always mean much to me.

Isis....Me thinks it is time to challange you again my sister! I will have to think of something and send it to you. Are you up for a challange?

Joel...Your most welcome. I am flattered that you would like to read my work over and over. (awestruck)

Mike..thanks for the suggestion, I will take it into concideration.  

Willem...Thankyou so much for your wonderful compliment. I was in no way trying to emulate Poe in this piece. I think if I attempted to do so I would have failed miserably...lol.

Nan...your compliments mean more then you could know. I have come a long way in a short time because I had a great teacher!  
JamesMichael
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since 11-16-1999
Posts 31622
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA


13 posted 01-22-2000 04:37 PM       View Profile for JamesMichael   Email JamesMichael   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for JamesMichael

Marilyn this is fabulous.  It is an "Enchanted Love Enduring".  Just a suggestion.   James
Martie
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since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


14 posted 01-22-2000 05:10 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

This was excellent Marilyn--you set a wonderful scene and the words flowed.
SEA
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with you


15 posted 01-22-2000 06:19 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

I saw her standing there......so sad,so moving. It's beautiful-not dark. SEA
Isis
Member Ascendant
since 09-06-99
Posts 6390
Sunny Queensland


16 posted 01-22-2000 06:23 PM       View Profile for Isis   Email Isis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Isis's Home Page   View IP for Isis

Yep I am up for another challenge sis, I'm doing one for Balladeer at present then I'm all yours!!  

 Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen closely.
~Isis~
(Sovereign of the Spirit)

Grandma Jo
Member
since 01-02-2000
Posts 54


17 posted 01-22-2000 10:24 PM       View Profile for Grandma Jo   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Grandma Jo

great stuff Marilyn. "Moonlit Grave" may be a good one.  
Marilyn
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since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


18 posted 01-23-2000 08:48 AM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

James...Thanks for the suggestion I will take it into consideration.

Martie...Thankyou, I am glad it moved you.

Sea...To have transported you into this is a great compliment. Thankyou.  

Isis....I will think about it and let you know sister.  

Jo....Thanks for the title suggestion I will consider it.   Good to see you back. Does this mean the computer troubles are over?
Marge Tindal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
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since 11-06-1999
Posts 43042
Florida's Foreverly Shores


19 posted 01-23-2000 02:59 PM       View Profile for Marge Tindal   Email Marge Tindal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Marge Tindal's Home Page   View IP for Marge Tindal

Marilyn-
The heart of beauty beats resoundly in this piece.  Very, very well-met challenge.
~Marge~


 ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
noles1@totcon.com

Mike
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since 06-19-99
Posts 2528


20 posted 01-23-2000 05:41 PM       View Profile for Mike   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Mike

Truly enjoyed.   Well done.
Christopher
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Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


21 posted 01-23-2000 06:28 PM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

Awesome m'friend.
Talented, talented, talented!
Kevin
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Senior Member
since 11-02-1999
Posts 752
Torrington, Ct, Usa


22 posted 01-23-2000 06:35 PM       View Profile for Kevin   Email Kevin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kevin

I dont know what i could say that hasnt been said already, but the images that entered my mind were beautiful and haunting all at the same time, this is remarkable marylin, i comend you =)
Meadowmuse
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since 12-27-1999
Posts 3317


23 posted 01-23-2000 06:44 PM       View Profile for Meadowmuse   Email Meadowmuse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Meadowmuse's Home Page   View IP for Meadowmuse

Dark and sorrowful, you've risen to the challenge in superb fashion! Altogether lovely.

Claire
(I never seem to see these challenges, just the replies..)  

Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


24 posted 01-24-2000 10:30 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Marg..Thankyou very much. I am both humbled and flying high from all of this praise. I am not sure I deserve this.

Mike...Very glad that you enjoyed it!  

Christopher.....Thankyou my friend.   I still pale in comparision to you.  

Kevin....I am at a loss for words. (and I am a poet!..lol)

Meadowmuse....Thankyou very much.   There is a challange forum here at Passions. That is where you will generally find all of the challanges posted on this board (unless they are made privately)
 
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