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Passions in Poetry

Elian's Promise

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Danny Holloway
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since 01-15-2000
Posts 2072
Tulsa, OK


0 posted 01-18-2000 04:53 PM       View Profile for Danny Holloway   Email Danny Holloway   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Danny Holloway

           Elian's Promise

Come with me, my beloved son
away from here, so far to run
a life that's better, can soon be had
far from this land, where living is sad

Across the sea, I hope to pass
for the joy of freedom, that will everlast
The journey is hard, not without pain
my courage is strong, so much to gain

We shall travel long, all through the night
but the morning brings joy, along with light
Away we flee, dark days of remorse
my prayer for you, to stay the course

A mother's love, seen through tears
to end our peril, and these wasted years
whatever the risk, we shall not fail
for a better life, will surely prevail

A dream come true in a special land
where a Torch of Freedom, extends a hand
Remember me, and the reason to come
my sacrifice worthy for my beloved son.



 



[This message has been edited by Danny Holloway (edited 01-18-2000).]
© Copyright 2000 Danny Holloway - All Rights Reserved
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


1 posted 01-18-2000 05:18 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

How absolutely beautiful and loving Danny  
Denise
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Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


2 posted 01-18-2000 05:28 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

I agree! Absoulutely wonderful...made me think of my great-grandparents sailing on a ship from Ireland in the late 1880's.....

Wonderful poem, Danny!

 Denise

And slight is the sting of his trouble
Whose winnings are less than his worth;
For he who is honest is noble,
Whatever his fortunes or birth.~~~Alice Cary, ~Nobility~

Martie
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since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


3 posted 01-18-2000 05:31 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

The flavor of this poem is so sweet.  Great poem Danny!
Meadowmuse
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since 12-27-1999
Posts 3317


4 posted 01-18-2000 05:51 PM       View Profile for Meadowmuse   Email Meadowmuse   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Meadowmuse's Home Page   View IP for Meadowmuse

You've penned a fine piece here, Danny, of hope and devotion. A poem~tale of a mother's inspiriting and assuring vow to help her son secure a better life.

One small thought...the last two lines of the first stanza may need some shoring up to solidify your meaning. I understand that you mean "instead of" by the word "rather" but I had to reread it to get there. Wonder if you were to rework it just a tad?

Something perhaps, like


Come with me, my beloved son
away from here, so far to run
a life's thats better, can soon be had
away from this land, where living is sad

{or}

far from this land, where living is sad

{or}

let's depart from this land, where living is sad

or some other form of clarification more to your style and liking. Such a good piece, Danny!

Take care,
Claire

Danny Holloway
Member Elite
since 01-15-2000
Posts 2072
Tulsa, OK


5 posted 01-18-2000 06:13 PM       View Profile for Danny Holloway   Email Danny Holloway   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Danny Holloway

Claire, Thank you for your comments.  I have used one of your suggestions and it does improve the meaning.  
Thanks also to all who have responded.  Your
comments are much appreciated.
DH
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