I wish to thank you, one and all, for the replies/comments. I think this one had me weighted down for quite some time. Unfortunately, each stanza here was a page of my life, memories I've carried in fear and shame for many years.
The reason I felt it necessary to write this and post this now is it donned on me that I'm 32 years old and the abuse still hasn't stopped. When does it? I won't go into any further detail other than to say I have been devistated of late by the extremes to which my own mother has went just to inflict harm.
I must also add that I do love my mother, which is why this is such a gaping wound for me. I am objective enough to see her own pains in her actions, (I see her parents downgrading her when she is downgrading me). What I don't understand is why I have to pay that price too, or my brothers or my sister or any child at all? All I am certain of, is the abusers rarely change. To break the cycle has to be the choice of the abused.
Above all, this was a cry for public awareness. The problem is more widespread than anyone would like to admit. I know not the answers, I only know I feel like screaming "It's Gotta Stop!"
RobertB, very interesting thoughts.
Gloria, indeed, by the time a child realizes it's not their fault their lives are all too frequently already shattered.
WildChild, you are so right...We can't change the past but we can be aware of our own actions and remember our our pains when dealing with our children. It may take a child a little while to appreciate discipline, but they will never understand abuse. There is a definate distinction. An abused child who never realizes this distinction, usually repeats the abuse.
Kess, I relate well to that build up of inner emotion. I have heard a mother doesn't "instinctively" love her children. I don't know why that is such a hard concept for me to grasp, but your statement is cetainly justified by it. "There is a difference in just giving birth and being a mother."
Tara, that's exactly how it is. Like Faithful dogs coming back for more.
Luna, "love" is only something I'm learning of. When your abused so long by whom you look up to and love, knowing little else in your life, your perception of what love is becomes very distorted. That all of you at Passions have given so freely of it is overwhelming to me.
Nate, thanks. I know you can relate to my feelings of opression.
Bridgette, thanks and I will.
KitKat, thanks, *hugging myself*
Gen, sorry I made you cry again. You personally have shown me what love is. Something I never witnessed between my father or mother. I know we still have much to learn about eachother still, but this much I know, I love you too, babe. I don't necessarily know who I am or who I want to be...but I do know who I "don't" want to be. We can build from that.
RG, thank you. Mikey will never know this type of abuse in my house. It is in all my hopes and prayers both he an my daughter never will in their mother's home.